what else is there?

a dear friend of mine was kind enough to read my blog and worry about me. he was saddened to read my word "recovering" describing my process when a best girlfriend of mine just moved to san francisco (even if only temporarily, depending upon the economic situation there which doesn't seem too promising). since he will remain nameless on my blog, i don't think he'll mind if i post his email. and he is such a dear person that after only two conversations in person and a few over email, i do consider him a dear friend:

I read "recovering" on your blog and felt bad for you. My gut reaction is to say move to Portland. When you talk about family it is clear that you are not just saying family is important like everyone says family is important. It's important way beyond most people's standards, and that is clearly what makes moving to Portland or San Francisco seemingly impossible. However, I would still say go. Your family sounds amazingly complex and interesting on many different levels, and you are wonderfully connected to nephews and sisters-in-law in ways that many people would find too time consuming or energy draining, but the power of place is something to seriously consider, and when you talk about places like Lincoln and Omaha, the presence of family is clearly the thing that holds you here, and little else. As you know, Lincolns and Omahas can be found all over the map, and some of them have much better weather, more liberal politics, and many other amenities, but of course,
they don't have your family. Both you and Clint could find work wherever you went, and the value of a house is becoming a bit of a question mark in "this changing economy" - whatever the hell that means :) I would encourage you to not live conservatively. Thirty is really, really young. There is no way I, or probably anyone else, can fully appreciate the enormous importance of your family in your life, so its crazy, and undoubtedly hypocritical for me to be offering this advice, but if attachments to family are preventing you from making your life the adventure you want it to be, I would say take the leap, enter the forest where there is no path. Your family won’t stop loving you and you may love them even more.

So, I want to kind of respond to him and to myself here now because this gets to a lot of issues that I like to deal with in my blog.

First of all, I'd say family isn't the only thing keeping me here (poor them). Sometimes perhaps I place too much value in my family. But, they are wonderful people, and the opportunity to get to know them and spend holidays with them has been a great gift. It's also been wonderful watching nephews and nieces grow up, and I guess sometimes I even feel over-invested in them... But I love the fact that my family is here, with the exception of two single brothers, one of whom plans ultimately to return. To me, it's nice to be in a place where we can live our whole lives (with forays). There's continuity and yet interest in it.

I'm actually finding this kind of way too big to write about, hence why conversation might be a better entrance.

But, some quick responses... When I was living in San Francisco with some of the best friends a girl could ask for, I had some concerns: 1) I wasn't meeting any men; 2) I wasn't home to watch my nephews and nieces grow up and to be near my dad as he ages nor to continue building bonds with my siblings and their spouses; 3) I wasn't having nearly as much adventure living in a big city as I wanted because of working demands and home responsibilities and grocerying, etc. We did have a party, and we were just getting established. But I found myself not wanting to get established there. I liked it for the fun and novelty, but I didn't want to have kids there. It just seemed too far removed from my family, and too far removed from the relaxed place where I came from... Also, having no seasons bugged my internal clock.

Have I ever regretted leaving? Yes, sometimes. But mostly I do not. I do not because a) I have romantic love with someone who loves me very much; b) I like where I'm living for the most part; and you can imagine the rest... my family is here, etc.

What are the sacrifices I make living here? Well, I won't say friends, but I will say friends my age. But, I don't feel that it's completely a sacrifice. The thing is that the people I'm finding I best relate to are those who are either experienced or searching. When Zulaika was here, we related about being experienced in traveling, speaking Spanish, being literary types, and writing. We also related about not knowing what would happen in our lives, though increasingly I felt like I knew about my own life.

As for my own life, I really enjoy being in a relationship with someone I'm comfortable with. That is not always an adventure, and yet it is. A big open question would be: why does someone stay with someone they're comfortable with? Well, I think you can still learn together, you can still have fun together, you can deepen your bond, and well, you can have kids together without worrying that the other will run off because they haven't so far, and as long as you keep your bond good, you're assuming they won't.

In my case, my relationship does tie me to Nebraska. For the foreseeable future, Clint does not want to move. He'd like to travel if we had the money, but he loves his job here, it's very secure and fulfilling for him, and his family is here. I'm not built the same as he is. I've had different experiences, and I come from a different family. Thus sometimes I do feel torn. But... for having kids, this seems like a good place to be. I like being with someone who I enjoy and like and feel comfortable with who would be a good father, and we live in a good place with our families close by. I like that. True, there are no mountains to explore here. True, there is no ocean. But there are lakes and camping and bike trails. There is nature here just like anywhere else.

As for hustle and bustle, well, I don't dig that all that much. I understand Portland to be a great place because it's beautiful, there's beautiful nature, there's great food, and I guess it's well-planned. Well, okay. In my case, seeking this fortune would mean getting divorced and going there alone, trying to get a new job, and starting completely over. Since I would probably still want kids, I'd want to find someone quick, hope I liked his family a lot, and hope I made enough money to fly home once in awhile. And my dad would be sad. So would my current husband. And, despite the adventuresome part in me, I suspect I'd be pretty sad about those losses, too.

So, what is there here? Well, I do still have adventure, it's just of a different kind. And I do have friends, they're just not typically 28-32 with lots of travel experience and Master's degrees... Past travel makes for an interesting perspective, which can be shared, but unless a person went to the same place or went with you, usually most people don't enjoy living vicariously all that much (though I do). And Master's degrees only signify maybe more interesting work and a tendency to like independent films rather than Blockbusters. That's worth something, though I know many wonderful people with that preference and no Master's degrees, and thankfully we have a great independent theater here. But whatever on those things for the most part is what I'm trying to say. Some of my dearest friends are in between the ages of 50-62. Oh what fun, you might say... But, that's the thing. I've grown up relating with older people. So, I like the conversations we have. I like the fact that they're still searching at their ages, and I like to hear what kind of answers they come up with. It's true that those I enjoy tend to be liberal. And, it's true that finding liberal people in a "red" state can be like trying to find a vegetarian meal at the steakhouse. But, I also am becoming more comfortable with the steakhouse people, too, and I enjoy the consistent tastes of their palette. As long as they stay happy, I'm interested in them. Mostly I'm interested in how people stay happy. And if they're not happy, well, to the extent that we interact, perhaps some of the things that make me happy most of the time will rub off.

So, what, you might ask, keeps you happy in Nebraska? Well, since you ask, I'll answer :) I don't need tons of friends. I just need to enjoy those I do have. And I've been doing that. True, I'll miss Zulaika, but she's off having another adventure. I hope it turns out well for her, and I look forward to talking to her next time I hear from her (and my situation with her makes me feel like I relate to empty-nesters whose kids go out and explore even more)...

As for the adventures I have here, well, I really love my yoga journey. I love my yoga teacher as one of the best, finest specimens of human being I've ever met who teaches me how to become the kind of human being I'd like to be. Ultimately, I'd like to be a teacher like her, and then I can help others like she does, either through yoga or writing or whatever.

Then there is also my writing journey. There is a writer's community in Lincoln, and there is the university here. I probably should utilize the writer's community more, and I plan to. I just didn't last night because I wanted the comfort of home, but that's okay. Comfort is okay sometimes, too. And there is a lot of comfort in Nebraska, I can say that much. I think that outer comfort is necessary for the inner journey... Writing and relationships are an inner journey, and there are only so many of those that a person can have... And then there is plenty to do physically here, and that is another journey in itself.

And then there is the journey of having kids and teaching, and that is a level of involvement that is very outer, and very important, and I feel like it necessitates a community of support. Basically I have that here. I could trade it for another community of support, like friends, in another city, but that's not something that's so easily traded. So what do you say?

Move to Portland, hope to find another mate, make some friends, get a job, and hope you can have kids in the next 5 years? Or give up on the kids? To you I say, that's an idea, and it might be very fun, but it also might really sacrifice what I've spent the last 7 years building. So nice try. Or maybe it would have been. But I'm not unhappy. I feel happy just writing this. I feel happy hanging out with my older friends. I feel happy going to yoga. I feel happy visiting my younger friends. I feel happy not spending a lot of money on drinks and food out to eat with them (though I do love a good margarita, but being pregnant you can't drink those anyway, and being a parent you shouldn't drink too many). So, this is this. I hope I get a good job in Lincoln eventually. I have some (one?) in mind that would be particularly wonderful.

I'd love to keep getting advice. I don't mind thinking and spinning my wheels so keep it coming. I'm off to get some dinner.