with pete today. covered some buddhist concepts. going over that some more on monday. educational/therapeutic. talked about highly interested vs. attachment and different realms: the practical and the ideal, how we can have experiences that reach both levels. off to yoga for some grounding.
looking forward to my extended visit in california, too.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
positive changes flow forward
i'm going to san francisco from the 7-17th! i was able to change my ticket for $134!
yay. yay. yay. that's really all there is to say about that. can't wait to see everybody. can't wait to walk around. can't wait to float on russian river. can't wait to maybe even check out the job scene. even though it looks like i'll be in lincoln for awhile. it would be so nice to be hired somewhere though. wow.
going to san francisco! yay. yay. yay. i could cry for joy :)
miss you. you know who i mean. you.
yay. yay. yay. that's really all there is to say about that. can't wait to see everybody. can't wait to walk around. can't wait to float on russian river. can't wait to maybe even check out the job scene. even though it looks like i'll be in lincoln for awhile. it would be so nice to be hired somewhere though. wow.
going to san francisco! yay. yay. yay. i could cry for joy :)
miss you. you know who i mean. you.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
good quote
thanks for this, cindy:
Do not take life's experiences too seriously. Above all, do not let them hurt you, for in reality they are nothing but dream experiences.... if circumstances are bad and you have to bear them, do not make them a part of yourself. Play your part in life, but never forget it is only a role. What you lose in the world will not be a loss to your soul. Trust in God and destroy fear, which paralyzes all efforts to succeed and attracts the very things you fear.—Paramahansa Yogananda
Do not take life's experiences too seriously. Above all, do not let them hurt you, for in reality they are nothing but dream experiences.... if circumstances are bad and you have to bear them, do not make them a part of yourself. Play your part in life, but never forget it is only a role. What you lose in the world will not be a loss to your soul. Trust in God and destroy fear, which paralyzes all efforts to succeed and attracts the very things you fear.—Paramahansa Yogananda
center of my world
i went to omaha today to get my master's thesis back and ended up going to my dad's. i was hungry and forgot my wallet (because originally i was headed to my house to do laundry and then decided to be off to omaha instead). so i went to my dad's to raid his change and get a sandwich or something. but he was there (which i thought was good). and thus began an hour or so with my dad which i found rather psychologicaly pivotal. now that i'm back in lincoln, in my town, with a mexican mocha at the downtown mill, i can be chill again. but parent/child emotion/conflict is at least worth processing.
i don't even know where to start, so please don't expect something polished. it was good to see my dad. i asked him if he wanted to go out to eat and talk, but he'd eaten, so i looked in the fridge and saw nothing but a bunch of healthy choice things. then he realized he had some vegetable soup that he said was really good. i decided to give it a go, and he got up and started fretting. this is how it should go in the microwave. this is how it should sit on the table. not on the placemat, i might spill, those are for decoration, etc. i wanted to talk to my dad, but he kept talking. i listened, waiting my turn. eventually i realized he might not want to hear anything i wanted to say. we talked for awhile about marilyn's family reunion, how of course he's not going, that would be like me going to the berg's. we talked about how he'd like to talk to tom. then my dad started in on how august 3 is the anniversary of the john coleman story, 1964, etc. i told him it's lauren's birthday. it also came out that my dad was in a car accident last week but didn't tell me because he thought i had too much on my mind. he only told his assistant kristi. i was kind of nervous about my dad's driving. eventually i suggested we go talk on the couches.
so far i'm making this sound really boring, but mostly i do enjoy talking to my dad. i love him. finally, during a big transition for me, i got took the opportunity to try to talk about my life, and my dad too easily got confrontational. i tried to keep talking to him. i wanted to explain myself to him. i wanted to be understood. i wanted to be supported. when we would reference clint, we would both be looking at clint's place on the couch. our talk kind of went all over the place. i told my dad the messages i got from him about clint. he said that we never got along. then he asked why we even got married, building a case for such a string of mistakes. i told my dad why i married clint. i told him that i learned from the relationship and do not regret it. we agreed about some things about clint. but i was stressed. my dad kept finding fault.
then the subject changed to the present some. my career. where i will live. who i will love. yikes. at some points, my dad said why do you even talk to me? because we have a relationship, i thought. i didn't need my dad's validation or approval. i wanted him to understand. i wanted him to support me. i wished he were the kind of dad who would say "well, let's look at your options." or "what do you want?" or "what options do you see for yourself?" instead, he got into my string of "mistakes." going to california. not finishing law school. not being him.
when i told him i might move to california if things don't work out for me in lincoln by the end of the school year, he got all upset again. he doesn't want to "lose" me (this is kristi, his assistant's word for how my dad sees the idea of me going to california). he thinks i should move to omaha. right now, that's not what i want. but i am considering that by may, maybe i will decide going to teach in omaha is my best bet. my dad said he would help me buy a house. i told him i don't really want a house by myself. oh, isn't that dumb, he got across. don't i ever want to buy a house? not necessarily. not by myself. yes, you'll see the big houses of your brothers and sister... it was annoying. not once was my dad seeing me for me.
hmmm... i tried other tactics. did my dad think he and my mom would still be together if she were alive? he said no because of age. not money. he sees himself as financially impervious now, even though he filed bankruptcy at 65. he kept seeing things in terms of age and money. i get that those are factors in life. for a guy whose main currency in life is money and advice, i get where my dad is coming from. but it kept feeling like he was sucking the soul out of everything i was saying or feeling.
it came down to he really hopes i'm "established" before he dies. he hopes i find my niche. i told him it may be in english, psychology, or teaching. he nodded. said i've had so many "false starts." he doesn't get that the wesleyan job was always temporary. he doesn't get that i didn't want to be a lawyer. he doesn't get that it was hard to stay in california when every time i talked to him, he was mad at me, told me i was making a huge mistake and needed to come back to nebraska and go to law school until that felt like my only option emotionally, when things got tough.
i love my dad. he raised me by himself and i am grateful to him. i understand him. i try to teach him how to understand me, interact with me. my dad wonders why i married clint. the thing is that i thought conflict was normal. the only way to survive with my dad sometimes is to argue back. he is so intense and so opinionated. i thought clint's family was more stable. i wanted something like that. despite the fact that clint and i are different, i was glad to be loved by a man who i knew would never cheat on me and would always try and would love me. there is more to it than that. having things to talk about is important. having ways to talk that are emotionally fulfilling for both partners is important. i'd only had that with a gay man (and of course women). i thought conflict was inevitable. in some respects, i guess it is. i tried to take a spiritual path, learning about the dalai lama, religion, and doing yoga and all that. i think that helped. it didn't give clint and i more in common, though.
when i left, i hugged my dad and told him i love him. we had a more adult relationship. again, i didn't need his approval and validation. he told me i look good, by the way. he looked like he was about in tears. he looked like he felt like he'd lost his daughter. he had said something about how parents shouldn't expect someone to take care of. i said, "do you feel like you're taking care of me?" he said, "i mean the other way around." me taking care of him. the thing is, i would like to. i would like to stay in nebraska. i would like to visit my dad in the nursing home or be a part of his never having to go. i do love my family. i do want to stay here. but, i don't know. i don't know if a single life in lincoln is what i want long-term. i don't think a single life in omaha is what i want. i guess i could try. but my family members living there as married people with families and me being single does not seem like my cup of tea. my friends are in california (those that aren't in lincoln).
it comes down to the fact that i'm exploring my options in lincoln. it is kind of a hard place to get a job. i'm going to apply for a phd and for an ma in counseling and see what happens. i'll keep trying to get a job in lincoln public schools. i realize it's a bad time for the economy. i realize that if i would have taken the seward job, maybe i would have stayed with clint. maybe not.
i'll get the internet in my apartment on monday. that will help me look more at my options. it was sad today because i said the words to my dad "the reality is that people spend their time doing the work that they love and being with the people they love. the reality is that families usually only get together sporadically. i want to spend time with the people i love. i want to have fun with the people i love." not that i have to be going to parties, etc. this prompted my dad saying "you're going to get back into drugs?" like i'm a druggy. i told him i might smoke a little pot. he cringed.
my dad thinks i'm really floundering for 30. i don't feel like that. i feel like i've got a good mind, some good degrees and experiences, self and worldly knowledge, a good spiritual foundation... i feel like i've learned a lot about marriage and a lot about relationships. i understand where my dad is coming from. i wish i knew how to defuse his shouting, confrontation, and pointing out what he sees as all my mistakes. i wish i could teach him to be a teacher. i wish i could teach him to be a counselor. i wish i could teach him that i'm the best expert on my own happiness.
i know he's seen a lot of relationships. and he's been in two marriages. i know he needs to see me succeed, to feel like he did a good job. he kept saying "i don't understand why you haven't been hired in lincoln." i explained that to him. i explained how it took a nebraska supreme court justice's wife 7 years to be hired in lincoln. he said i sure wouldn't want to live in lincoln. i understand that. but, i have options here. the phd program, etc.
i feel like i'm going to be okay. i went to my dad's office after his house to pick up a check, i admit perhaps not sufficiently chagrined at my own spoiling. i told my dad's secretary kristi the low-down. she's very aware of how he takes things. she's very aware that i'm the center of his world, aside from his job and his writing. i guess i needed to be so primary for a long time. it's been part of my identity. but my dad could branch out. he has 5 other kids. he could learn their kids' names. he could get a girlfriend. he could tell me he trusts me to make decent decisions. he could tell me he wants me to be happy. maybe he will find his compassion. maybe i will somehow get established, find my niche, give my dad some security. there's always law school :)
ps. and while this blog about one important interaction with my dad is true, i also have to say he taught me a lot. he taught me to be persistent, to be curious, to be a good conversationalist, to have interests, to have a sense of humor, to be passionate, to love good movies and good books. he taught me to really enjoy going out to eat :) he taught me that history is important, to have opinions, to support them, to be independent. i guess he also taught me to stand up for myself. some of the stuff he taught me i feel like i had to un-learn to get along with people. i also know that i'm not responsible for my dad's happiness, and he's not responsible for mine. but, i wish we could all learn to be a bit more harmonious more consistently. i know we're not always going to be coming from the same place at the same time. time will tell.
i don't even know where to start, so please don't expect something polished. it was good to see my dad. i asked him if he wanted to go out to eat and talk, but he'd eaten, so i looked in the fridge and saw nothing but a bunch of healthy choice things. then he realized he had some vegetable soup that he said was really good. i decided to give it a go, and he got up and started fretting. this is how it should go in the microwave. this is how it should sit on the table. not on the placemat, i might spill, those are for decoration, etc. i wanted to talk to my dad, but he kept talking. i listened, waiting my turn. eventually i realized he might not want to hear anything i wanted to say. we talked for awhile about marilyn's family reunion, how of course he's not going, that would be like me going to the berg's. we talked about how he'd like to talk to tom. then my dad started in on how august 3 is the anniversary of the john coleman story, 1964, etc. i told him it's lauren's birthday. it also came out that my dad was in a car accident last week but didn't tell me because he thought i had too much on my mind. he only told his assistant kristi. i was kind of nervous about my dad's driving. eventually i suggested we go talk on the couches.
so far i'm making this sound really boring, but mostly i do enjoy talking to my dad. i love him. finally, during a big transition for me, i got took the opportunity to try to talk about my life, and my dad too easily got confrontational. i tried to keep talking to him. i wanted to explain myself to him. i wanted to be understood. i wanted to be supported. when we would reference clint, we would both be looking at clint's place on the couch. our talk kind of went all over the place. i told my dad the messages i got from him about clint. he said that we never got along. then he asked why we even got married, building a case for such a string of mistakes. i told my dad why i married clint. i told him that i learned from the relationship and do not regret it. we agreed about some things about clint. but i was stressed. my dad kept finding fault.
then the subject changed to the present some. my career. where i will live. who i will love. yikes. at some points, my dad said why do you even talk to me? because we have a relationship, i thought. i didn't need my dad's validation or approval. i wanted him to understand. i wanted him to support me. i wished he were the kind of dad who would say "well, let's look at your options." or "what do you want?" or "what options do you see for yourself?" instead, he got into my string of "mistakes." going to california. not finishing law school. not being him.
when i told him i might move to california if things don't work out for me in lincoln by the end of the school year, he got all upset again. he doesn't want to "lose" me (this is kristi, his assistant's word for how my dad sees the idea of me going to california). he thinks i should move to omaha. right now, that's not what i want. but i am considering that by may, maybe i will decide going to teach in omaha is my best bet. my dad said he would help me buy a house. i told him i don't really want a house by myself. oh, isn't that dumb, he got across. don't i ever want to buy a house? not necessarily. not by myself. yes, you'll see the big houses of your brothers and sister... it was annoying. not once was my dad seeing me for me.
hmmm... i tried other tactics. did my dad think he and my mom would still be together if she were alive? he said no because of age. not money. he sees himself as financially impervious now, even though he filed bankruptcy at 65. he kept seeing things in terms of age and money. i get that those are factors in life. for a guy whose main currency in life is money and advice, i get where my dad is coming from. but it kept feeling like he was sucking the soul out of everything i was saying or feeling.
it came down to he really hopes i'm "established" before he dies. he hopes i find my niche. i told him it may be in english, psychology, or teaching. he nodded. said i've had so many "false starts." he doesn't get that the wesleyan job was always temporary. he doesn't get that i didn't want to be a lawyer. he doesn't get that it was hard to stay in california when every time i talked to him, he was mad at me, told me i was making a huge mistake and needed to come back to nebraska and go to law school until that felt like my only option emotionally, when things got tough.
i love my dad. he raised me by himself and i am grateful to him. i understand him. i try to teach him how to understand me, interact with me. my dad wonders why i married clint. the thing is that i thought conflict was normal. the only way to survive with my dad sometimes is to argue back. he is so intense and so opinionated. i thought clint's family was more stable. i wanted something like that. despite the fact that clint and i are different, i was glad to be loved by a man who i knew would never cheat on me and would always try and would love me. there is more to it than that. having things to talk about is important. having ways to talk that are emotionally fulfilling for both partners is important. i'd only had that with a gay man (and of course women). i thought conflict was inevitable. in some respects, i guess it is. i tried to take a spiritual path, learning about the dalai lama, religion, and doing yoga and all that. i think that helped. it didn't give clint and i more in common, though.
when i left, i hugged my dad and told him i love him. we had a more adult relationship. again, i didn't need his approval and validation. he told me i look good, by the way. he looked like he was about in tears. he looked like he felt like he'd lost his daughter. he had said something about how parents shouldn't expect someone to take care of. i said, "do you feel like you're taking care of me?" he said, "i mean the other way around." me taking care of him. the thing is, i would like to. i would like to stay in nebraska. i would like to visit my dad in the nursing home or be a part of his never having to go. i do love my family. i do want to stay here. but, i don't know. i don't know if a single life in lincoln is what i want long-term. i don't think a single life in omaha is what i want. i guess i could try. but my family members living there as married people with families and me being single does not seem like my cup of tea. my friends are in california (those that aren't in lincoln).
it comes down to the fact that i'm exploring my options in lincoln. it is kind of a hard place to get a job. i'm going to apply for a phd and for an ma in counseling and see what happens. i'll keep trying to get a job in lincoln public schools. i realize it's a bad time for the economy. i realize that if i would have taken the seward job, maybe i would have stayed with clint. maybe not.
i'll get the internet in my apartment on monday. that will help me look more at my options. it was sad today because i said the words to my dad "the reality is that people spend their time doing the work that they love and being with the people they love. the reality is that families usually only get together sporadically. i want to spend time with the people i love. i want to have fun with the people i love." not that i have to be going to parties, etc. this prompted my dad saying "you're going to get back into drugs?" like i'm a druggy. i told him i might smoke a little pot. he cringed.
my dad thinks i'm really floundering for 30. i don't feel like that. i feel like i've got a good mind, some good degrees and experiences, self and worldly knowledge, a good spiritual foundation... i feel like i've learned a lot about marriage and a lot about relationships. i understand where my dad is coming from. i wish i knew how to defuse his shouting, confrontation, and pointing out what he sees as all my mistakes. i wish i could teach him to be a teacher. i wish i could teach him to be a counselor. i wish i could teach him that i'm the best expert on my own happiness.
i know he's seen a lot of relationships. and he's been in two marriages. i know he needs to see me succeed, to feel like he did a good job. he kept saying "i don't understand why you haven't been hired in lincoln." i explained that to him. i explained how it took a nebraska supreme court justice's wife 7 years to be hired in lincoln. he said i sure wouldn't want to live in lincoln. i understand that. but, i have options here. the phd program, etc.
i feel like i'm going to be okay. i went to my dad's office after his house to pick up a check, i admit perhaps not sufficiently chagrined at my own spoiling. i told my dad's secretary kristi the low-down. she's very aware of how he takes things. she's very aware that i'm the center of his world, aside from his job and his writing. i guess i needed to be so primary for a long time. it's been part of my identity. but my dad could branch out. he has 5 other kids. he could learn their kids' names. he could get a girlfriend. he could tell me he trusts me to make decent decisions. he could tell me he wants me to be happy. maybe he will find his compassion. maybe i will somehow get established, find my niche, give my dad some security. there's always law school :)
ps. and while this blog about one important interaction with my dad is true, i also have to say he taught me a lot. he taught me to be persistent, to be curious, to be a good conversationalist, to have interests, to have a sense of humor, to be passionate, to love good movies and good books. he taught me to really enjoy going out to eat :) he taught me that history is important, to have opinions, to support them, to be independent. i guess he also taught me to stand up for myself. some of the stuff he taught me i feel like i had to un-learn to get along with people. i also know that i'm not responsible for my dad's happiness, and he's not responsible for mine. but, i wish we could all learn to be a bit more harmonious more consistently. i know we're not always going to be coming from the same place at the same time. time will tell.
yoga journey
just finished an iyengar class with krista. i used to be kind of intimidated by krista because we're similar people, but she's more advanced in the things that i see as my strengths. krista introduced me to the concept of yoga/writing people. she is one of these people, and evidently i am, too. she alerted me to the fact that there is a community of these people. they're in bigger cities, but they have conferences. and we've done yoga/writing things at five willows. a couple of people i go to yoga with went to the writer's conference in lincoln with me, and we were thinking about starting a writer's group.
anyways, i digress a lot consistently right now :) barb asked me for krista's name over email this morning because krista is a writing coach. i knew krista was moving sometime soon and asked her about this, especially as i've been really eager to have coffee with her. we have all kinds of things to talk about soon. i was relieved to hear that krista and charles, her partner, are not moving until the fall or winter. so i will get to talk to krista about "all kinds of things." she also helped me stretch my calves today which i sorely needed :)
in the locker room/changing room/whatever, i got to talk to two new attendees of yoga. they are from mexico and we got to speak a little spanish. i love when i'm able to connect with spanish-speaking people in lincoln, and i've been meaning to do more of that. i love the song on right now. radiohead. always love radiohead. want to get this cd and a reiki cd, but maybe i'll settle for some kind of download at some point. actually, i think carl said he'd make me a copy, and we're supposed to get together soon.
in the name of promoting yoga, i'm going to share something i would usually not share, particularly on my blog. i was telling this mexican mother and daughter how great yoga has been for me. i got to use a phrase i taught from the textbook "haciendo yoga alivia el estres" (doing yoga alleviates stress). i told them i'd lost a lot of weight in the last two years because of it. and then i got on the scale and realized i'd lost 45 pounds in two years. that is a lot. i'm kind of shocked by that. and now i enjoy being active and want to do more running and things. not that i really want to get much thinner, but being toned is nice. anyways, sorry for sharing that as though i'm bragging, but i really think that yoga is a powerful and calming tool.
also, i'll share that i'm feeling really good. krista wanted to talk about it. she and and i are definitely kindred spirits. but i'm looking forward to talking to her about why my soul is at such peace.
i wish you all wonderful days. i'm going to see kyla, get some things from home/the house, whatever i call it. today is wednesday. maybe i will actually call american airlines.
also, i might go to lpsdo and change my name, if they'll let me, like get a new id. i talked to an english teacher from irving before yoga. i told her about my divorce. she was happy for me. she said her niece just went through this, and that sometimes this is what we need to be a whole person again. she said all the right things. and i want to get business cards to give to such teachers so they can contact me for sub jobs. but i feel like i'd like to change my name for that.
anyways, i digress a lot consistently right now :) barb asked me for krista's name over email this morning because krista is a writing coach. i knew krista was moving sometime soon and asked her about this, especially as i've been really eager to have coffee with her. we have all kinds of things to talk about soon. i was relieved to hear that krista and charles, her partner, are not moving until the fall or winter. so i will get to talk to krista about "all kinds of things." she also helped me stretch my calves today which i sorely needed :)
in the locker room/changing room/whatever, i got to talk to two new attendees of yoga. they are from mexico and we got to speak a little spanish. i love when i'm able to connect with spanish-speaking people in lincoln, and i've been meaning to do more of that. i love the song on right now. radiohead. always love radiohead. want to get this cd and a reiki cd, but maybe i'll settle for some kind of download at some point. actually, i think carl said he'd make me a copy, and we're supposed to get together soon.
in the name of promoting yoga, i'm going to share something i would usually not share, particularly on my blog. i was telling this mexican mother and daughter how great yoga has been for me. i got to use a phrase i taught from the textbook "haciendo yoga alivia el estres" (doing yoga alleviates stress). i told them i'd lost a lot of weight in the last two years because of it. and then i got on the scale and realized i'd lost 45 pounds in two years. that is a lot. i'm kind of shocked by that. and now i enjoy being active and want to do more running and things. not that i really want to get much thinner, but being toned is nice. anyways, sorry for sharing that as though i'm bragging, but i really think that yoga is a powerful and calming tool.
also, i'll share that i'm feeling really good. krista wanted to talk about it. she and and i are definitely kindred spirits. but i'm looking forward to talking to her about why my soul is at such peace.
i wish you all wonderful days. i'm going to see kyla, get some things from home/the house, whatever i call it. today is wednesday. maybe i will actually call american airlines.
also, i might go to lpsdo and change my name, if they'll let me, like get a new id. i talked to an english teacher from irving before yoga. i told her about my divorce. she was happy for me. she said her niece just went through this, and that sometimes this is what we need to be a whole person again. she said all the right things. and i want to get business cards to give to such teachers so they can contact me for sub jobs. but i feel like i'd like to change my name for that.
morning
was able to sleep last night. but then i woke up worrying, without a dream for my dream journal that i'm supposed to show to peter. i'm already a night behind since i didn't sleep last night. so i went back to sleep to have a dream, which usually i'm good at but not lately. and i had one! i wrote it down. of course, i think i understand this dream. i think i understand exactly what thoughts and anxieties it reveals. but i made a sooner appointment with peter, thursday at 3. i feel like i need to see him sooner. and thursdays are always good.
now i'm at the mill south. i'm across the street from a bakery i've always meant to go in but have never been in before. i bought the new prairie schooner and a water for breakfast. i'm hungry, but i'll eat after yoga, where i'm going next. you're really not supposed to eat 2 hours before yoga. maybe that has helped me lose weight as i've become a yoga fanatic.
people are talking about subs and teachers behind me. i need to check jobs. i need to check emails. i need to walk kyla. i need to read this new prairie schooner. i need to call american airlines. bye.
now i'm at the mill south. i'm across the street from a bakery i've always meant to go in but have never been in before. i bought the new prairie schooner and a water for breakfast. i'm hungry, but i'll eat after yoga, where i'm going next. you're really not supposed to eat 2 hours before yoga. maybe that has helped me lose weight as i've become a yoga fanatic.
people are talking about subs and teachers behind me. i need to check jobs. i need to check emails. i need to walk kyla. i need to read this new prairie schooner. i need to call american airlines. bye.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
where to start?
i'm back at the mill. some blonde children and their mother just sauntered through the door. my drive to the mill was full of lincoln wonders. there were little girls playing in front of a house dressed up like fairies on j street. there was a couple in love walking into their apartment. i drove by lincoln high, where i loved teaching, even though i was teaching spanish and not english and was not engaging the kids like i wanted to. but i did get to know those kids. their favorite activity (as far as i could tell) was when i had them break into groups by their horoscope sign and collaboratively translate a spanish description of their sign into english. it was kind of too big of a task. but they enjoyed doing it together. one of the brightest students, alex, said that he felt like it was authentically tailored to them. better than "i like to scuba dive. i want to climb mountains." i feel like i kind of sucked as a spanish teacher :) but i tried.
lincoln is kind of bumping for a tuesday night. people were driving with their windows down, smoking their cigarrettes and listening to their music loud. i was listening to npr. i spent the late afteroon listening to the cd "music to make love by," watching the colors and movements of its energy swirl on my computer screen, while i swam safely and warmly in my soul.
right now there's some arabic music playing at the mill and i'm eating a pastrami and swiss cheese sandwich. the guy said "that will be $5.87 for the water, and the sandwich is free." i laughed. i am happy. i have just lived a day that met all of my needs. wow.
really, it was about 3 hours in specific that were the most sublime of my life today. and i can't even go into that. some things appear on my radar for the first time as truly private. sacred. that's all that can be said about that.
this afternoon i think i slept for awhile. i didn't sleep last night. i tried. i'd had plans at 2am that were changed, and then i couldn't sleep, so i started calling back my late night friends. i called cindy back and talked to her calmly for awhile, which was a nice change. she and randy are off to mexico. yay. then i called dave back. he was on his way home, said to come over. i was hoping for guitar so maybe i could sleep. he was thinking espn. then aaron woke up with heartburn and went out to the balcony to smoke a cigarrette and play some guitar. i went out there wrapped up in a blanket and lied down. aaron played. i relaxed. i started to almost fall asleep. he was having kind of an off night on the guitar. we decided we're kindred spirits. it's nice. he kind of brings out the ultra-feminine in me. different people bring different parts out. those that really bring the soul out, well, that's a lot.
i love this pastrami sandwich. i'm totally freewriting right now. after i napped i started thinking in lots of snippets of stories. i feel like i've lost them. i can't wait to get an internet connection so i can blog on call. i get the hook-up next monday. and i have an appointment with pete then, too. so that means at the earliest, i'll go to california monday afternoon. still have to call american airlines. i feel like dealing with one business thing a day. today was time warner cable. i was very polite. much more polite and kind and sweet than i'm used to being. that's good, huh? now that i'm no longer in such a button-pushing home life, i'm freed up.
the kids are swirling and playing. cute. talked to my friend alison today. she's a taurus married to a taurus. these taureans. alison is married to jens who is german. they have a baby hannah. alison is blissed out about hannah. we shared our bliss on the phone. i told her i'm getting a divorce, etc. sounds weird. i sound funny. but oh well. i know my own mind/heart. what else matters, yeah?
yeah, yeah, yeah. :)
i had to let go a little bit today. it was okay. one of the stories i was thinking about telling was my deepest memory with my mom. i was 4 1/2. she was telling me my grandpa had died. her father was the most important person in her life. he was really fun-loving, masculine, full of praise, and giving. he bought me lots of kind of big presents. like he had to search all over omaha for the right rocking horse for me that would whinny and everything. i used to go up into the attic when i was too old to ride that horse anymore and climb on, just to hear it do its clicking and whinnying. i was amazed it still did that. after people had died and everything. my grandpa died of cancer. he was a bald and beautiful man. i remember him much more clearly today. his name was bob hammond. my grandma annie fell in love with him when they were six. they were born a week apart. my grandma, whose mother was born in scotland and came over with two kids after her husband died in world war II, converted to catholicism to marry my grandpa. the religion ended up meaning more to her than him. anyways, i digress a lot. i think i'm pretty opened up right now.
when my grandpa died, my mom tried to explain it to me. she told me he died and went to heaven. she said we wouldn't see him again, like he wouldn't come over, but he was in heaven. i asked my mom if she would die. i think i sensed there was danger. looking at her pscyhiatrist records i see that she wished she were in the coffin when she saw him in it. i see that she was severely depressed when she was telling me about this. i asked my mom if she would die, and she said no, and i said "promise?" i had learned please and thank you. now i was learning what a promise is. she promised. this is usually like my most painful memory, the deepest, most important promise ever made to me that was broken.
i feel like i can bring it up now because i've got the support. pete knew me when i was trying to work on my master's thesis like 3-4 years ago. now it's bound and done. i don't think i've read it since i wrote it. i needed to get it out and get the friggin' degree. my old neighbor has had it for a year. last summer when sarah thomas got me to sell arbonne with her (and thus i got to understand my mom's mary kay experience) i went to see everyone i'd known. this neighbor sue had always been fascinating to me. we had various connections. my brother used to sell her daughter pot. she wasn't overly concerned about this. it was the late 70's. my grandma had a painting by sue that my mom had bought her. sue didn't know my mom very well, but she'd met her. when i went to see sue, we talked for like 5 hours. i had no idea how liberal and cool she is, especially for bellevue. her husband stan is so sweet, too. he's retired military. at first i bristle at such a designation, but stain was so sweet. he was depressed. he was retired and didn't feel very vital. he would meet with his buddies and talk about investing. he watched dvd's with sue. they gave me a bunch to watch which i still haven't gotten to. some on warren buffet. a lot on psychology. sue is into psychology, new age kind of stuff, just really well read. she took me down into her studio. she's a self-taught artist. she gave me a ton of prints. pretty awesome stuff that i have rolled up on top of a bookcase in the purple room that was maybe going to be a nursery someday in clint and i's house. i tried to tell clint about it. i never got to. he never saw the art. it's rolled up on top of the bookcase waiting for what comes next. sue said she'd give me this one print when i was pregnant. she wanted to meet clint. i knew it wouldn't happen. anyways, i need to see her to get my bound thesis back. she passed it along to her daughter sarah who is a paraplegic now. she had a really bad drug trip and fell off a cliff, naked and alone in the wilderness. now she's a buddhist. i need to meet sarah. sue thought sarah would appreciate my piece in the fragmented thesis on seeing the dalai lama.
when you try to capture your experience, it does come out in fragments. i love that i've gained an understanding of this. my new and kind of old idea is that i want to work with older people. i really like older people. i feel repetitive. i love hearing people's life stories, and i feel like people really need to relive their memories when they're older. i've watched my grandparents do this, my dad, etc. i need to re-read mary pipher's book on aging. can't remember what it's called. need to get all of her books out of the basement.
last night i called my dad at midnight and said i want to become a geriatric counselor. it was kind of a joke. it was also kind of serious. he laughed and was my dad who doesn't mind too much if i need to call him at a bad hour to say something important. we started doing this in college. i called him anytime i would think of something to say or ask him. it's our relationship. we like it. i called him tonight briefly to talk about some practical things, told him going ahead with divorce. he could hear i was happy. he called me sweetheart. i'm so grateful he's alive. done with chemo. back to being him. not in crisis. wow.
steve and tom are going to be in town. they're going to maybe come visit me in lincoln. they want to come here i guess. steve likes to get down to lincoln. he's staying with ron right now. tom will stay with marilyn. they'll have to entertain a lot of barelman's, marilyn's family, for the family reunion. since i'm not on marilyn's side of the family, i'm not going. my old high school principal was marilyn's cousin. small world.
i'm like going on and on. i don't imagine you will read this. but i like typing a lot at the mill right now. i've had a beautiful day, and i don't want it to end. my pastrami sandwich is almost done. i feel like i'm ready to go back to teaching writing and grading papers. but i won't do that this year because i'm taking classes. in a way, i'm like what was i thinking? i was thinking a phd in english. i don't know. a job would be better. we'll see. i'll be glad to go back to teaching, even subbing, in august. will be good to be part of that again. also looking forward to taking joy castro's narrative non-fiction class. even though it kind of scares me because it's been so important to me. because i feel like personal narrative can save your life. or make your life. it's complicated, and it's simple.
it's beautiful, i will tell you that. i am really, really lucky. i feel so lucky. i learned my body's major chord. it's E. i knew that. i want to hear some music soon. dave said music can be on tonight. i need it to be just music. just connection. my soul is full. it wants to be vibrate. it wants to wait. it wants to live. it wants to love. fully.
lincoln is kind of bumping for a tuesday night. people were driving with their windows down, smoking their cigarrettes and listening to their music loud. i was listening to npr. i spent the late afteroon listening to the cd "music to make love by," watching the colors and movements of its energy swirl on my computer screen, while i swam safely and warmly in my soul.
right now there's some arabic music playing at the mill and i'm eating a pastrami and swiss cheese sandwich. the guy said "that will be $5.87 for the water, and the sandwich is free." i laughed. i am happy. i have just lived a day that met all of my needs. wow.
really, it was about 3 hours in specific that were the most sublime of my life today. and i can't even go into that. some things appear on my radar for the first time as truly private. sacred. that's all that can be said about that.
this afternoon i think i slept for awhile. i didn't sleep last night. i tried. i'd had plans at 2am that were changed, and then i couldn't sleep, so i started calling back my late night friends. i called cindy back and talked to her calmly for awhile, which was a nice change. she and randy are off to mexico. yay. then i called dave back. he was on his way home, said to come over. i was hoping for guitar so maybe i could sleep. he was thinking espn. then aaron woke up with heartburn and went out to the balcony to smoke a cigarrette and play some guitar. i went out there wrapped up in a blanket and lied down. aaron played. i relaxed. i started to almost fall asleep. he was having kind of an off night on the guitar. we decided we're kindred spirits. it's nice. he kind of brings out the ultra-feminine in me. different people bring different parts out. those that really bring the soul out, well, that's a lot.
i love this pastrami sandwich. i'm totally freewriting right now. after i napped i started thinking in lots of snippets of stories. i feel like i've lost them. i can't wait to get an internet connection so i can blog on call. i get the hook-up next monday. and i have an appointment with pete then, too. so that means at the earliest, i'll go to california monday afternoon. still have to call american airlines. i feel like dealing with one business thing a day. today was time warner cable. i was very polite. much more polite and kind and sweet than i'm used to being. that's good, huh? now that i'm no longer in such a button-pushing home life, i'm freed up.
the kids are swirling and playing. cute. talked to my friend alison today. she's a taurus married to a taurus. these taureans. alison is married to jens who is german. they have a baby hannah. alison is blissed out about hannah. we shared our bliss on the phone. i told her i'm getting a divorce, etc. sounds weird. i sound funny. but oh well. i know my own mind/heart. what else matters, yeah?
yeah, yeah, yeah. :)
i had to let go a little bit today. it was okay. one of the stories i was thinking about telling was my deepest memory with my mom. i was 4 1/2. she was telling me my grandpa had died. her father was the most important person in her life. he was really fun-loving, masculine, full of praise, and giving. he bought me lots of kind of big presents. like he had to search all over omaha for the right rocking horse for me that would whinny and everything. i used to go up into the attic when i was too old to ride that horse anymore and climb on, just to hear it do its clicking and whinnying. i was amazed it still did that. after people had died and everything. my grandpa died of cancer. he was a bald and beautiful man. i remember him much more clearly today. his name was bob hammond. my grandma annie fell in love with him when they were six. they were born a week apart. my grandma, whose mother was born in scotland and came over with two kids after her husband died in world war II, converted to catholicism to marry my grandpa. the religion ended up meaning more to her than him. anyways, i digress a lot. i think i'm pretty opened up right now.
when my grandpa died, my mom tried to explain it to me. she told me he died and went to heaven. she said we wouldn't see him again, like he wouldn't come over, but he was in heaven. i asked my mom if she would die. i think i sensed there was danger. looking at her pscyhiatrist records i see that she wished she were in the coffin when she saw him in it. i see that she was severely depressed when she was telling me about this. i asked my mom if she would die, and she said no, and i said "promise?" i had learned please and thank you. now i was learning what a promise is. she promised. this is usually like my most painful memory, the deepest, most important promise ever made to me that was broken.
i feel like i can bring it up now because i've got the support. pete knew me when i was trying to work on my master's thesis like 3-4 years ago. now it's bound and done. i don't think i've read it since i wrote it. i needed to get it out and get the friggin' degree. my old neighbor has had it for a year. last summer when sarah thomas got me to sell arbonne with her (and thus i got to understand my mom's mary kay experience) i went to see everyone i'd known. this neighbor sue had always been fascinating to me. we had various connections. my brother used to sell her daughter pot. she wasn't overly concerned about this. it was the late 70's. my grandma had a painting by sue that my mom had bought her. sue didn't know my mom very well, but she'd met her. when i went to see sue, we talked for like 5 hours. i had no idea how liberal and cool she is, especially for bellevue. her husband stan is so sweet, too. he's retired military. at first i bristle at such a designation, but stain was so sweet. he was depressed. he was retired and didn't feel very vital. he would meet with his buddies and talk about investing. he watched dvd's with sue. they gave me a bunch to watch which i still haven't gotten to. some on warren buffet. a lot on psychology. sue is into psychology, new age kind of stuff, just really well read. she took me down into her studio. she's a self-taught artist. she gave me a ton of prints. pretty awesome stuff that i have rolled up on top of a bookcase in the purple room that was maybe going to be a nursery someday in clint and i's house. i tried to tell clint about it. i never got to. he never saw the art. it's rolled up on top of the bookcase waiting for what comes next. sue said she'd give me this one print when i was pregnant. she wanted to meet clint. i knew it wouldn't happen. anyways, i need to see her to get my bound thesis back. she passed it along to her daughter sarah who is a paraplegic now. she had a really bad drug trip and fell off a cliff, naked and alone in the wilderness. now she's a buddhist. i need to meet sarah. sue thought sarah would appreciate my piece in the fragmented thesis on seeing the dalai lama.
when you try to capture your experience, it does come out in fragments. i love that i've gained an understanding of this. my new and kind of old idea is that i want to work with older people. i really like older people. i feel repetitive. i love hearing people's life stories, and i feel like people really need to relive their memories when they're older. i've watched my grandparents do this, my dad, etc. i need to re-read mary pipher's book on aging. can't remember what it's called. need to get all of her books out of the basement.
last night i called my dad at midnight and said i want to become a geriatric counselor. it was kind of a joke. it was also kind of serious. he laughed and was my dad who doesn't mind too much if i need to call him at a bad hour to say something important. we started doing this in college. i called him anytime i would think of something to say or ask him. it's our relationship. we like it. i called him tonight briefly to talk about some practical things, told him going ahead with divorce. he could hear i was happy. he called me sweetheart. i'm so grateful he's alive. done with chemo. back to being him. not in crisis. wow.
steve and tom are going to be in town. they're going to maybe come visit me in lincoln. they want to come here i guess. steve likes to get down to lincoln. he's staying with ron right now. tom will stay with marilyn. they'll have to entertain a lot of barelman's, marilyn's family, for the family reunion. since i'm not on marilyn's side of the family, i'm not going. my old high school principal was marilyn's cousin. small world.
i'm like going on and on. i don't imagine you will read this. but i like typing a lot at the mill right now. i've had a beautiful day, and i don't want it to end. my pastrami sandwich is almost done. i feel like i'm ready to go back to teaching writing and grading papers. but i won't do that this year because i'm taking classes. in a way, i'm like what was i thinking? i was thinking a phd in english. i don't know. a job would be better. we'll see. i'll be glad to go back to teaching, even subbing, in august. will be good to be part of that again. also looking forward to taking joy castro's narrative non-fiction class. even though it kind of scares me because it's been so important to me. because i feel like personal narrative can save your life. or make your life. it's complicated, and it's simple.
it's beautiful, i will tell you that. i am really, really lucky. i feel so lucky. i learned my body's major chord. it's E. i knew that. i want to hear some music soon. dave said music can be on tonight. i need it to be just music. just connection. my soul is full. it wants to be vibrate. it wants to wait. it wants to live. it wants to love. fully.
Monday, July 28, 2008
hmmm
well, i'm having a lot of fun hanging out at the mill, getting an internet connection, emailing, and listening to music on krnu. i'm so into music since my movie-watching mode left me.
had a pretty great day. it started slow. had a sad night last night, my first tears shed in my apartment. part of the process. this morning read up on astrology and napped until my appointment with pete, my friend and now counselor. we hugged hello. not goodbye, though. now he's my therapist :)
pete was very understanding and moved by a good story :) he was very helpful and affirming. he's a taurus. :) and he totally believes in the zodiac :) he's great. makes me want to be a counselor (again). we used to be in a writing group together. but i left that group. i miss him and don hanway, though. don is a retired episcopal minister. he wrote a book called loveletters to the church about how god does not reject homosexuality. i want to buy his book and pete's book on paradox. i wonder how to get those. will check into that later, when i'm not interested in spending money to spend more time in california. after i get some dates straight tomorrow and check the latest lps job listings, i will try to change my ticket for california. need to see my peops in person there for as long as possible.
things are getting better. yesterday i sucked at yoga. i was like, omg, will i ever be a yogi again? i had no energy. today i went to two classes and did all of my living on foot. it was really good. saw some interesting things. oh good, i just remembered i drove here not walked, so i don't have to worry about walking home in the dark alone.
but we are never alone. i am learning that now that i'm living as a single person. my yoga teacher reminded me of that (terri the capricorn).
anyways, i'm boring myself. been typing for quite awhile. last thing i have to say: i get my grandma annie more today. i get her loving spirit. she waited for the love of her life while he fought in world war II. she liked to use the phrase "waiting for your ship to come in" a lot. she knew what that was about. she waited for her ship to come. it did. my grandpa lived through iwa jima. then he gave her two kids. she wanted four. my mom had two of her own. my grandma's life wasn't easy. at all. but she kept on loving. she always kept on loving. my grandma is an inspiration. she should have taken better care of herself. but wow i loved her. and she loved me. she was wonderful.
to all of you. love to you. if you needed healing energy, i tried to send it to you today. i healed myself some, too. feeling much better today.
you rock. life is good.
had a pretty great day. it started slow. had a sad night last night, my first tears shed in my apartment. part of the process. this morning read up on astrology and napped until my appointment with pete, my friend and now counselor. we hugged hello. not goodbye, though. now he's my therapist :)
pete was very understanding and moved by a good story :) he was very helpful and affirming. he's a taurus. :) and he totally believes in the zodiac :) he's great. makes me want to be a counselor (again). we used to be in a writing group together. but i left that group. i miss him and don hanway, though. don is a retired episcopal minister. he wrote a book called loveletters to the church about how god does not reject homosexuality. i want to buy his book and pete's book on paradox. i wonder how to get those. will check into that later, when i'm not interested in spending money to spend more time in california. after i get some dates straight tomorrow and check the latest lps job listings, i will try to change my ticket for california. need to see my peops in person there for as long as possible.
things are getting better. yesterday i sucked at yoga. i was like, omg, will i ever be a yogi again? i had no energy. today i went to two classes and did all of my living on foot. it was really good. saw some interesting things. oh good, i just remembered i drove here not walked, so i don't have to worry about walking home in the dark alone.
but we are never alone. i am learning that now that i'm living as a single person. my yoga teacher reminded me of that (terri the capricorn).
anyways, i'm boring myself. been typing for quite awhile. last thing i have to say: i get my grandma annie more today. i get her loving spirit. she waited for the love of her life while he fought in world war II. she liked to use the phrase "waiting for your ship to come in" a lot. she knew what that was about. she waited for her ship to come. it did. my grandpa lived through iwa jima. then he gave her two kids. she wanted four. my mom had two of her own. my grandma's life wasn't easy. at all. but she kept on loving. she always kept on loving. my grandma is an inspiration. she should have taken better care of herself. but wow i loved her. and she loved me. she was wonderful.
to all of you. love to you. if you needed healing energy, i tried to send it to you today. i healed myself some, too. feeling much better today.
you rock. life is good.
Sunday, July 27, 2008
the promise of play
just heard stuart brown, director of the national institute of play on "fresh air" on npr with terri gross. he was talking about the promise of play. he was saying that human beings are kind of permanent adolescents and that we need play, but that our culture only emphasizes work. he says now that in biology we have discovered neurogenesis, the regeneration of the brain through aerobic exercise, we see that play (or in that case exercise) is essential to our health. however, it needs to be non-competitive to truly be play. he and terri were talking about how for many adults playing is hard because our culture teaches that adulthood means workaholism. and some people have a hard time learning what play can be for them. brown referenced joseph campbell about "following your bliss." he recommended starting with movement, like dance (or even yoga). very interesting and important stuff... i think this line of thinking has a lot to offer the pursuit of happiness.
i guess brown has a pbs series i'd love to see, and there's a link on npr's blog about him. looking forward to getting a tv and the internet in my place.
i guess brown has a pbs series i'd love to see, and there's a link on npr's blog about him. looking forward to getting a tv and the internet in my place.
Friday, July 25, 2008
wish list
i wish i had a digital camera. and a dvd player. i have a tv. steve says marilyn (his mom) is getting rid of some things. i hardly need very many things. i guess i could decorate my apartment. i feel like i have too many things already. i like being really minimal right now. it feels like i'm living in a dorm room with wood floors, a cute little kitchen, a huge closet, an okay bathroom (and no friggin' tub!) how will i survive? showering standing up is good, too. listening to music is good. looking out my windows is good. having a fire escape is good. i had kyla there with me one night but found it kind of weird to take her out in the middle of the night. i feel like she's my kid, and i'm experimenting with visitation. clint said i could leave her here or take her. i think i might take her tonight. i need to get a tv to watch at night sometimes. so far have been listening to music, dancing, talking on the phone, and reading. and hanging out with the guy friends a bit: music, movies, and talking/being creative...
well, abba is good. i can be a dancing queen. nice that i still have this house to come back to for the internet, the washer and dryer, the dog, some familiarity. i'll have to start doing dishes by hand. i need to get groceries. i'm saying a lot of single people stuff. i think married people say this stuff to each other maybe if they're not afraid of being bored. some single people say this stuff. my friends say "i just bought some avocadoes." "i got us this biolage shampoo." there is always something to say. there is always something to do.
well, abba is good. i can be a dancing queen. nice that i still have this house to come back to for the internet, the washer and dryer, the dog, some familiarity. i'll have to start doing dishes by hand. i need to get groceries. i'm saying a lot of single people stuff. i think married people say this stuff to each other maybe if they're not afraid of being bored. some single people say this stuff. my friends say "i just bought some avocadoes." "i got us this biolage shampoo." there is always something to say. there is always something to do.
okay
i'm somewhere in between good and okay. i'm really using this blog as a live journal right now. if you're reading, hope you don't mind.
last night i spent with the musicians. dave and aaron had over kyle, who's in dave's band, and another guy (in the band?) who works at guitar center, whose name i think is matt, but they called him luna, moon-man. funny. he was a funny guy. had an announcer type voice that he was very aware of and used to comedic effect. and of course dave is just plain hilarious. all are gifted musicians. it's a really good place for me to go because in some ways i feel like i missed my 20's. i love that i spent my 20's loving someone i love. but the experiences i have with them are kind of like a continuation of my college days, and it's good to be able to have continuances in places. aaron is going to europe for his graduation present in december, maybe to london. i kind of have no desire to go london again right now. i think i've been there 3 times, maybe only 2, don't even remember. i was more interested in dave's jamaica trip. dave plays reggae (i'm missing their pool party august 9th, damn), and i guess the whole 10-day trip is $1300. i feel like renewing my passport just in case.
speaking of renewing my passport, well, my sister ann was very kind yesterday. i thought she might be disappointed about the divorce. she sang at my wedding. actually she said it was really hard watching me struggle being married, continuing to say "i'll keep trying" when it wasn't working. she thinks my spirit should be free, that i should explore other dimensions of it. she sees that since i started doing yoga, i've been really freed up in terms of really getting in touch with myself. have been missing yoga a bit lately, but will get back tomorrow morning. need to get back to that.
so, it was good to have ann's affirmation. and my friends are wonderful. and i'm really happy because my brother steve is in town from baton rouge, and my brother tom is coming into town from new york, so i'll get to see everyone as a becoming single divorcee. what? i'm a divorcee? almost. steve and i plan to hang out next week. he's also a divorcee. and in law school. in his 50's. and tom is kind of a divorcee, too. steve was telling me about this show on amc that i should watch that's set in the 60's and would show me what our dad's life was like or something. steve said i wouldn't like the first episode because it's sexist, but after the first few episodes, i would like it. it's an incentive to get cable. still don't have a tv in my place. the big tv i have as an extra (i took this old one of my dad's with me to iowa in 2001 and still have it) is heavy. i think clint might help me take that to my apartment and help me hook up the computer.
everything is weird. everything is fine. divorce is painful. life is large.
part of me wanted to take off to california yesterday. like i just didn't want to feel this process. it is a process. but i've got good options. i'll be teaching for lps and taking some classes probably at unl when the fall comes. i've been a little nervous about the winter. hopefully i will be in a place where i can read and do a lot of yoga then. i'm not very into the idea of being alone in nebraska in the winter right now. but alone is an interesting word. it also means free. it also means me. that's not so bad.
last night i spent with the musicians. dave and aaron had over kyle, who's in dave's band, and another guy (in the band?) who works at guitar center, whose name i think is matt, but they called him luna, moon-man. funny. he was a funny guy. had an announcer type voice that he was very aware of and used to comedic effect. and of course dave is just plain hilarious. all are gifted musicians. it's a really good place for me to go because in some ways i feel like i missed my 20's. i love that i spent my 20's loving someone i love. but the experiences i have with them are kind of like a continuation of my college days, and it's good to be able to have continuances in places. aaron is going to europe for his graduation present in december, maybe to london. i kind of have no desire to go london again right now. i think i've been there 3 times, maybe only 2, don't even remember. i was more interested in dave's jamaica trip. dave plays reggae (i'm missing their pool party august 9th, damn), and i guess the whole 10-day trip is $1300. i feel like renewing my passport just in case.
speaking of renewing my passport, well, my sister ann was very kind yesterday. i thought she might be disappointed about the divorce. she sang at my wedding. actually she said it was really hard watching me struggle being married, continuing to say "i'll keep trying" when it wasn't working. she thinks my spirit should be free, that i should explore other dimensions of it. she sees that since i started doing yoga, i've been really freed up in terms of really getting in touch with myself. have been missing yoga a bit lately, but will get back tomorrow morning. need to get back to that.
so, it was good to have ann's affirmation. and my friends are wonderful. and i'm really happy because my brother steve is in town from baton rouge, and my brother tom is coming into town from new york, so i'll get to see everyone as a becoming single divorcee. what? i'm a divorcee? almost. steve and i plan to hang out next week. he's also a divorcee. and in law school. in his 50's. and tom is kind of a divorcee, too. steve was telling me about this show on amc that i should watch that's set in the 60's and would show me what our dad's life was like or something. steve said i wouldn't like the first episode because it's sexist, but after the first few episodes, i would like it. it's an incentive to get cable. still don't have a tv in my place. the big tv i have as an extra (i took this old one of my dad's with me to iowa in 2001 and still have it) is heavy. i think clint might help me take that to my apartment and help me hook up the computer.
everything is weird. everything is fine. divorce is painful. life is large.
part of me wanted to take off to california yesterday. like i just didn't want to feel this process. it is a process. but i've got good options. i'll be teaching for lps and taking some classes probably at unl when the fall comes. i've been a little nervous about the winter. hopefully i will be in a place where i can read and do a lot of yoga then. i'm not very into the idea of being alone in nebraska in the winter right now. but alone is an interesting word. it also means free. it also means me. that's not so bad.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
amicable
we are handling things amicably, trying to have a different paradigm. it's nice. it's also hard to be here at home anymore. back to apartment. hope i get the internet soon.
whoa. life changes are big. breathing is good. will go to yoga. before going home to new place.
i'm glad clint is ready to talk about specifics, but the business nature of things is weird. it's weird how marriage can be a business. i guess life can be a business much as most of us don't want that. we don't want to lose the emotion, at least the positive ones.
whoa. life changes are big. breathing is good. will go to yoga. before going home to new place.
i'm glad clint is ready to talk about specifics, but the business nature of things is weird. it's weird how marriage can be a business. i guess life can be a business much as most of us don't want that. we don't want to lose the emotion, at least the positive ones.
name
i changed my name on gmail and facebook and hotmail. first it felt good, then it hurt, then i felt like i could breathe better, now it still hurts, i also feel my body relaxing and like the pain is moving out more, like (thinking of the ascension of chakras), up my throat and things, like i will be able to speak about this, and i will be free again, and i will be okay, and this is all making my head feel a lot better, and the pain is relieving some, and i am so friggin' glad to be able to express myself, and last night i told aaron my name was heather hunter, that hunter was my last name again, and that felt really good because in many ways i don't feel that it can be berg anymore, and i was hardly ever very comfortable with that either, and i don't ever know if or when i'll change my name again, and i don't know when and if i'll make this name change formal and go to all of the institutions and tell them, tell the institutions of my changes of heart and changes of life as i seek to be mentally healthy and happy all over again. and yet it is a relief to admit all this. a lot is loosening up for me. and i wonder if marriage is a shackle. and i wonder if i can marry someone again. and i wonder if i can trust my feelings about wanting to marry someone, but marriage does take two people. and it takes two people every day trying to do what's best for themselves and each other. and i guess we ask for the wisdom to know the difference, for that kind of serenity.
hmmm
well, i said i'd take a sabbatical. i think maybe i'll blog more part-time. :)
i'm feeling pretty okay about the mysteries of life right now. you could say life is just about our choices. i guess right now i'm feeling okay about my choices. in yoga, we say listen to your body. i've been doing that. i've been listening to myself. i've fought myself a lot in the past before and didn't end up very happy sometimes.
but it seems listening to myself may also lead me to being single. i feel that it's okay, though. i wanted to have a kid so i stayed in a relationship even when i didn't feel like it was very good for me sometimes. i just kept going to counseling or going to yoga, and i achieved a measure of peace and maybe some serenity.
some people think that happiness is elusive or illusion. i don't really think so.
i stayed the night at my apartment last night and was comfortable there. i'm back to the house to use the internet, see my dog, kind of put loose ends together.
sometimes i think it's just true that we have the energy for what we want to do.
no one wants to be a selfish person. but well, i don't know. i don't have the answers. i just know that i'm feeling more at peace right now. i had a good night last night. i've had some great times lately. and tough ones, too.
as for marriage, i don't claim to be an expert. i've tried to be one. i guess an expert cook gets to stay an expert cook. the ingredients are always the same, and when they try to grow, well, there's always a new recipe. you could say the same for marriage, but i think compatibility is a really interesting and complicated thing. so much so that maybe being single just works better. again, i don't know. but i want to study psychology some more. and i know i can really concentrate in my apartment.
i'm feeling pretty okay about the mysteries of life right now. you could say life is just about our choices. i guess right now i'm feeling okay about my choices. in yoga, we say listen to your body. i've been doing that. i've been listening to myself. i've fought myself a lot in the past before and didn't end up very happy sometimes.
but it seems listening to myself may also lead me to being single. i feel that it's okay, though. i wanted to have a kid so i stayed in a relationship even when i didn't feel like it was very good for me sometimes. i just kept going to counseling or going to yoga, and i achieved a measure of peace and maybe some serenity.
some people think that happiness is elusive or illusion. i don't really think so.
i stayed the night at my apartment last night and was comfortable there. i'm back to the house to use the internet, see my dog, kind of put loose ends together.
sometimes i think it's just true that we have the energy for what we want to do.
no one wants to be a selfish person. but well, i don't know. i don't have the answers. i just know that i'm feeling more at peace right now. i had a good night last night. i've had some great times lately. and tough ones, too.
as for marriage, i don't claim to be an expert. i've tried to be one. i guess an expert cook gets to stay an expert cook. the ingredients are always the same, and when they try to grow, well, there's always a new recipe. you could say the same for marriage, but i think compatibility is a really interesting and complicated thing. so much so that maybe being single just works better. again, i don't know. but i want to study psychology some more. and i know i can really concentrate in my apartment.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
sigh
hmmm... had maybe the best conversation of my life today. in that it was fully, wholly gratifying and fun and everything that matters. hmmm.
off to yoga and then to a movie with a friend. hopefully will hear some guitar music soon, too. i want to learn to play the guitar. if i had a kid, that would be something i would want to give them. my mom got my brother a guitar.
life is interesting.
love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love.
off to yoga and then to a movie with a friend. hopefully will hear some guitar music soon, too. i want to learn to play the guitar. if i had a kid, that would be something i would want to give them. my mom got my brother a guitar.
life is interesting.
love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
sabbatical
i'm going to take a sabbatical from my blog writing starting now, i think.
my intent this summer was not to blog, blog, blog but to go into nature and write again. i had some stories in mind. but now i just want to get back to freewriting and nature, a la natalie goldberg and a la rich martin's nature writing class, where, alone with the sun, i had quite the transcendental mystic experience. no drugs. no touch. but powerful (amy, you remember what i'm talking about).
so, my writing is about to go into notebooks. any subscriptions to my mind in that venue will have to be solicited and sought. but not here free on the web. for awhile at least.
ciao.
my intent this summer was not to blog, blog, blog but to go into nature and write again. i had some stories in mind. but now i just want to get back to freewriting and nature, a la natalie goldberg and a la rich martin's nature writing class, where, alone with the sun, i had quite the transcendental mystic experience. no drugs. no touch. but powerful (amy, you remember what i'm talking about).
so, my writing is about to go into notebooks. any subscriptions to my mind in that venue will have to be solicited and sought. but not here free on the web. for awhile at least.
ciao.
beautiful comment
from one of sarah's students in the journal-star guestbook:
Guest Book for
Sarah Skean
Page 1 of 3 | ||||||
|
sad news
an old neighbor of mine, and friend, who was an english teacher in lincoln and inspired me, died on sunday of leukemia. she was 32.
i just learned of this on facebook because i don't read the paper enough. this really sucks. she had just been through a divorce. i just talked to him on facebook last week. he gave me some good advice. man.
i just learned of this on facebook because i don't read the paper enough. this really sucks. she had just been through a divorce. i just talked to him on facebook last week. he gave me some good advice. man.
| |||||
| Sarah Skean | | ||||
 Sarah Skean 32, died Sunday (7/20/08) after a heroic battle with Leukemia. By her side were her parents, sister and grandmother. She was comfortable and peaceful, and she surprised everyone with her strong pulse and fortitude in her final hours. She always did like to be the last one to leave a party.Since receiving her degree from UNL in 1999, she had become one of the most beloved and respected English teachers at Lincoln Northeast High. Though she graduated from Lincoln High, she now considered herself a Rocket through and through. For several years, she served as speech coach, and was never happier than when she was sharing stories about her "kids'" successes. Sarah was brilliant, witty, and sarcastic, a teaser, a giggler, and a fun-starter. She hosted infamous brunches and Thanksgiving dinners, created a blog on cooking and local restaurants, and served in so many of her friends' weddings that she adopted the moniker "the universal bridesmaid." She would spend all week planning elaborate menus for her Sunday night family dinners. She adored travel, good food and wine, literature, the Simpsons, garage sales, crafting, writing, cats, camping and most of all spending time with the people she loved. To honor her passion for teaching, Sarah's friends and family will establish a scholarship in her name. In lieu of flowers, please send contributions to "Sarah Skean Scholarship," c/o Lincoln Public Schools Foundation. Sarah is survived by her parents, Jonathan and Margaret Skean; and her sister and brother-in-law, Katie Skean and Mark Coleman, all of Lincoln; and her grandmother, Bobbie Chambers, West Virginia. She has a gaggle of aunts, uncles and cousins, and a huge circle of friends, who are perhaps the best representation of her loveable and generous spirit. Services: 3 p.m. Friday (07/25/08), First Plymouth Church, 2000 D Street. Published in the Lincoln Journal Star on 7/22/2008 | |||||
Sarah Skean's Memorial Service
Global
Information
| Host: | Skean's friends/family |
| Type: |
| Date: | Friday, July 25, 2008 |
| Time: | 3:00pm - 4:00pm |
| Location: | First Plymouth Church |
| Street: | 2000 D Street |
| City/Town: | Lincoln, NE |
Description
lives of quiet desperation
i miss being an english student right now, where i get to experience meaning that resonates me that's not necessarily connected to a living person's availability.
in college, i had three favorite professors: my english professor, rich martin, my politics professor, craig allin, and my spanish professor carol lacy-salazar even though she and i ended up being pretty different people. but we did go to bolivia for a month together (with the rest of the class), and that was an experience i will never forget.
hmm... well, went to yoga for two sessions tonight. great to be with liz. i thought she helped me work out a lot. then i come home and check my email and feel back in the quiet desperation. so maybe i'll unplug and get a different home or something. talk to my friends on the phone. venture out into the world on foot or something.
my thoughts are all over the place. they are on getting a longer stay in california. they are on looking into journalism jobs. they are on...
during yoga, i can have a lot of thoughts and feelings, like a constant stream, especially in hot yoga where i'm really familiar with the postures. liz talks and guides, and i move and process inside. it is therapy. then i come home into really still air and come to this computer and type, which is what i've been wanting to do for like the last 2 hours of yoga anyway, so it works out.
a little under 2 years ago, i quit going to therapy. my counselor charlie and i decided that the only thing i needed to deal with at that point was getting more exercise. so i started going to yoga and fell in love with liz and her teachings, and the rest is history. liz finds yoga superior to "therapy" too. there's just a lot of wisdom in movement and listening to our insides. not that it necessary helps us to control much outside of ourselves. but it opens up channels. today we did a little chakra healing. i know i need a lot more.
i had a whole bunch of stuff i wanted to say. oh, like how in rich martin's class i started to think a lot more. actually, in all three of my favorite professor's classes, i started to think a lot more, in my case about meaning/literature, meaning/politics, and meaning/foreign language, culture, and experience. it was great. i would't trade my cornell experience now that i'm really thinking about it. except thinking like i do is not always valued and maybe does not always lead to happy life. i don't know... thinking makes one non-conventional. and then maybe we still want to live a kind of conventional life. but, there are so many complications that it seems thinking can barely get us out of if at all. in some cases, it seems that never learning to think would be preferable. being a secretary (not that don't they think) and making dinner (not that it doesn't take thinking). a legal secretary would make a good income. she'd just have to deal with the lawyers.
when i went to college, i thought i wanted to marry clint and be a psychologist and/or a lawyer. then i took those other classes, and the stream of events happened where i ended up here.
i fell in love with literature. i fell in love with the passionate way rich martin talked about it, from hemingway to faulkner to charlotte perkins gilman... right now i want to read: charlotte, national hawthorne's scarlet letter, and that's all for now. maybe i will pick those up and do something with them. i feel like reading them in my apartment, but i have a house and maybe a husband. we don't know right now. all i know is what i'm saying in this blog at this moment, and that's for real.
clint is napping. i am starving and will probably eat something. probably should go to the grocery store. i typically love grocery stores. now i'm not in the best of moods. so i don't want to go.
about food, though, in case anyone is interested, liz tells this story of this woman who quit eating when was 12 because people kept telling her she ate too much. so she rebelled. supposedly she didn't eat for 50 years and lived just fine. clint and i have discussed this story at length. he doesn't believe it's true that we get what we need from the air, and that our bodies really don't need a lot of food for energy. if anyone wants to know more, they should talk to liz.
but, i do know that i believe everything she says. i can't help it. i do. and i want to.
in college, i had three favorite professors: my english professor, rich martin, my politics professor, craig allin, and my spanish professor carol lacy-salazar even though she and i ended up being pretty different people. but we did go to bolivia for a month together (with the rest of the class), and that was an experience i will never forget.
hmm... well, went to yoga for two sessions tonight. great to be with liz. i thought she helped me work out a lot. then i come home and check my email and feel back in the quiet desperation. so maybe i'll unplug and get a different home or something. talk to my friends on the phone. venture out into the world on foot or something.
my thoughts are all over the place. they are on getting a longer stay in california. they are on looking into journalism jobs. they are on...
during yoga, i can have a lot of thoughts and feelings, like a constant stream, especially in hot yoga where i'm really familiar with the postures. liz talks and guides, and i move and process inside. it is therapy. then i come home into really still air and come to this computer and type, which is what i've been wanting to do for like the last 2 hours of yoga anyway, so it works out.
a little under 2 years ago, i quit going to therapy. my counselor charlie and i decided that the only thing i needed to deal with at that point was getting more exercise. so i started going to yoga and fell in love with liz and her teachings, and the rest is history. liz finds yoga superior to "therapy" too. there's just a lot of wisdom in movement and listening to our insides. not that it necessary helps us to control much outside of ourselves. but it opens up channels. today we did a little chakra healing. i know i need a lot more.
i had a whole bunch of stuff i wanted to say. oh, like how in rich martin's class i started to think a lot more. actually, in all three of my favorite professor's classes, i started to think a lot more, in my case about meaning/literature, meaning/politics, and meaning/foreign language, culture, and experience. it was great. i would't trade my cornell experience now that i'm really thinking about it. except thinking like i do is not always valued and maybe does not always lead to happy life. i don't know... thinking makes one non-conventional. and then maybe we still want to live a kind of conventional life. but, there are so many complications that it seems thinking can barely get us out of if at all. in some cases, it seems that never learning to think would be preferable. being a secretary (not that don't they think) and making dinner (not that it doesn't take thinking). a legal secretary would make a good income. she'd just have to deal with the lawyers.
when i went to college, i thought i wanted to marry clint and be a psychologist and/or a lawyer. then i took those other classes, and the stream of events happened where i ended up here.
i fell in love with literature. i fell in love with the passionate way rich martin talked about it, from hemingway to faulkner to charlotte perkins gilman... right now i want to read: charlotte, national hawthorne's scarlet letter, and that's all for now. maybe i will pick those up and do something with them. i feel like reading them in my apartment, but i have a house and maybe a husband. we don't know right now. all i know is what i'm saying in this blog at this moment, and that's for real.
clint is napping. i am starving and will probably eat something. probably should go to the grocery store. i typically love grocery stores. now i'm not in the best of moods. so i don't want to go.
about food, though, in case anyone is interested, liz tells this story of this woman who quit eating when was 12 because people kept telling her she ate too much. so she rebelled. supposedly she didn't eat for 50 years and lived just fine. clint and i have discussed this story at length. he doesn't believe it's true that we get what we need from the air, and that our bodies really don't need a lot of food for energy. if anyone wants to know more, they should talk to liz.
but, i do know that i believe everything she says. i can't help it. i do. and i want to.
friends
talked to two friends today, which was really good. darcy and i haven't talked on the phone for years. it's really nice when you have a new person to talk to. the energy is really exciting like a new shirt only better, of course, because it's a person
darcy is going to bring a thich nhat hanh book on love to russian river. that will be good to read.
darcy also pointed out some spiritual concepts i hadn't heard of or at least don't remember. something like there's seven steps up and seven steps down (as we live life in a kind of spiral), and that all of the steps can lead to a good place. i don't totally understand it, but it sounds like a good thing.
also, darcy mentioned some new oprah concept about the thinking/talking/doing balance. something like that. i think i need to spend more time doing. so we got off the phone. i'm going to take this cable card back to the cable company because clint canceled cable, for better or for worse. i wonder if he will play a lot of computer games. i guess i'll read.
today, i'm going to go back to yoga. i haven't been since friday. today is tuesday. that's kind of a long time for me.
i want to get back to a really happy place. i feel pretty happy inside. we'll see how this works.
darcy is going to bring a thich nhat hanh book on love to russian river. that will be good to read.
darcy also pointed out some spiritual concepts i hadn't heard of or at least don't remember. something like there's seven steps up and seven steps down (as we live life in a kind of spiral), and that all of the steps can lead to a good place. i don't totally understand it, but it sounds like a good thing.
also, darcy mentioned some new oprah concept about the thinking/talking/doing balance. something like that. i think i need to spend more time doing. so we got off the phone. i'm going to take this cable card back to the cable company because clint canceled cable, for better or for worse. i wonder if he will play a lot of computer games. i guess i'll read.
today, i'm going to go back to yoga. i haven't been since friday. today is tuesday. that's kind of a long time for me.
i want to get back to a really happy place. i feel pretty happy inside. we'll see how this works.
believing in love
is the last frontier.
do we need religion and convention to believe in love? to have it last?
does it help if we share things professionally? or does that matter? maybe we're just supposed to share chicken and a house.
also, i guess, a history of other experiences. some fun times in life and sharing the tragedies. how rich should/can these experiences be?
do we need religion and convention to believe in love? to have it last?
does it help if we share things professionally? or does that matter? maybe we're just supposed to share chicken and a house.
also, i guess, a history of other experiences. some fun times in life and sharing the tragedies. how rich should/can these experiences be?
starting now
how does this sound?
we've got love, folks, we've got love. if we're married, we're so lucky to have someone to say goodnight to, eat dinner with, maybe tell about our day at work or not at work. we've got love, guys, we've got love. she'll go to my doctor's appointment. i'll go with her to pick out a dvr player. she decorates the house. i mow the lawn. we've got love, guys, we've got love. it may not be 401k, but we're trying to build one of those, too. i'm betting when we retire, i will still love you. we'll have so much to do. just me and you. doodle-doodle-y-doo. maybe we'll raise some cute kids, too. we've got love, guys, we've got love. ta-da
we've got love, folks, we've got love. if we're married, we're so lucky to have someone to say goodnight to, eat dinner with, maybe tell about our day at work or not at work. we've got love, guys, we've got love. she'll go to my doctor's appointment. i'll go with her to pick out a dvr player. she decorates the house. i mow the lawn. we've got love, guys, we've got love. it may not be 401k, but we're trying to build one of those, too. i'm betting when we retire, i will still love you. we'll have so much to do. just me and you. doodle-doodle-y-doo. maybe we'll raise some cute kids, too. we've got love, guys, we've got love. ta-da
with any luck
i'll be the queen of stable marriage soon, and i'll be posting "stable marriage" posts. i've felt like that before. maybe i'll start posting recipes. ways to make your man feel like....
home economics... the economics of love... meeting lots of stable couples, where we're not comparing happiness, because, hey, we've just all got it.
home economics... the economics of love... meeting lots of stable couples, where we're not comparing happiness, because, hey, we've just all got it.
future
future is uncertain right now. i'd like to say i'll stay with clint. i'd like to be happy with him. i love him love the stable love he provides. i'd like to be able to be a part of that stable life.
history shows our relationship to be very up and down. some might say because i have needs that this relationship doesn't fulfill. i'm sure i've been much harsher on clint than i needed to be or should have been. being harsh on anyone doesn't feel good. now people are perhaps justifiably being harsh on me. his parents were hoping i wouldn't come back, that i would be done with him so he could be done with me. i guess his friends were thinking the same thing. the consensus seems to be that i don't know what i want.
universe, let me try to put out there what i want. i want to be able to think. i want to be able to be creatively engaged. i want to feel like i'm growing. i want to feel i'm a positive person who is not hurting people. i want to appreciate others, particularly for their strengths. i want to be appreciated for my strengths. i want to be emotionally stable. i want to love really deeply.
if i could have those things, i think i'd also like to have a child. if i could find my internal holy grail, so to speak, i'd like to be able to offer that to others, particularly to one of my own.
but, if a baby doesn't happen, and if it does, i want good work. i want work where i feel fairly compensated, and by that i don't mean big numbers necessarily. i've wanted to teach english at the middle school or high school level, where i can engage young people in my favorite practices, help them to grow, and be paid in the process. that's a grail thing, too.
i also love yoga because it makes me feel so good inside and outside and feel like i can offer that to others. some people get annoyed with the yogi part of my nature because they feel that its positivity is unpractical. and that i expect others to be similarly positive when they're just trying to cope with going to work, taking care of their home, taking care of their relationships through rituals like meals, and i seem to be much more selfish than that. not that i wouldn't mind rituals like meals. i'd like them to be kind of lively and positive, though. that's how i like to be. i realize people don't always have something to say. i'd be comfortable with silence, i guess. i guess we're comfortable with silence when we're with people we....
tried to process some feelings and thoughts in this blog... getting a lot of flack from what's expected of me... getting a headache... no more to say now.
history shows our relationship to be very up and down. some might say because i have needs that this relationship doesn't fulfill. i'm sure i've been much harsher on clint than i needed to be or should have been. being harsh on anyone doesn't feel good. now people are perhaps justifiably being harsh on me. his parents were hoping i wouldn't come back, that i would be done with him so he could be done with me. i guess his friends were thinking the same thing. the consensus seems to be that i don't know what i want.
universe, let me try to put out there what i want. i want to be able to think. i want to be able to be creatively engaged. i want to feel like i'm growing. i want to feel i'm a positive person who is not hurting people. i want to appreciate others, particularly for their strengths. i want to be appreciated for my strengths. i want to be emotionally stable. i want to love really deeply.
if i could have those things, i think i'd also like to have a child. if i could find my internal holy grail, so to speak, i'd like to be able to offer that to others, particularly to one of my own.
but, if a baby doesn't happen, and if it does, i want good work. i want work where i feel fairly compensated, and by that i don't mean big numbers necessarily. i've wanted to teach english at the middle school or high school level, where i can engage young people in my favorite practices, help them to grow, and be paid in the process. that's a grail thing, too.
i also love yoga because it makes me feel so good inside and outside and feel like i can offer that to others. some people get annoyed with the yogi part of my nature because they feel that its positivity is unpractical. and that i expect others to be similarly positive when they're just trying to cope with going to work, taking care of their home, taking care of their relationships through rituals like meals, and i seem to be much more selfish than that. not that i wouldn't mind rituals like meals. i'd like them to be kind of lively and positive, though. that's how i like to be. i realize people don't always have something to say. i'd be comfortable with silence, i guess. i guess we're comfortable with silence when we're with people we....
tried to process some feelings and thoughts in this blog... getting a lot of flack from what's expected of me... getting a headache... no more to say now.
Monday, July 21, 2008
hmmm
well, blog,
i don't know quite what to say to you. other than that life is interesting. there are so many kinds of love. it's hard to know what to call kinds of love. they all have different purposes in our lives, i guess. i remember when my sister married kumy and moved to pakistan and told me she loved him and she loved me, and even then i was very confused by different kinds of love.
the show big love is interesting, about the mormons who have multiple wives. i wonder if women ever get to have multiple husbands anywhere? hard record-keeping for babies, i suppose.
well, i asked myself what if a long time ago. and then it depends on a lot of things...
the rolling stones keep coming to mind.
i wonder what i will be saying to this blog for awhile.
man.
i'm a married woman. for such a kid-feeling person, that's something. something very stable. with the continuous potential for improvement and maturity. the day to day is something to appreciate. a lot. on all fronts. but the people who bear with us at home deserve shout outs.
i don't know quite what to say to you. other than that life is interesting. there are so many kinds of love. it's hard to know what to call kinds of love. they all have different purposes in our lives, i guess. i remember when my sister married kumy and moved to pakistan and told me she loved him and she loved me, and even then i was very confused by different kinds of love.
the show big love is interesting, about the mormons who have multiple wives. i wonder if women ever get to have multiple husbands anywhere? hard record-keeping for babies, i suppose.
well, i asked myself what if a long time ago. and then it depends on a lot of things...
the rolling stones keep coming to mind.
i wonder what i will be saying to this blog for awhile.
man.
i'm a married woman. for such a kid-feeling person, that's something. something very stable. with the continuous potential for improvement and maturity. the day to day is something to appreciate. a lot. on all fronts. but the people who bear with us at home deserve shout outs.
Thursday, July 17, 2008
the power of now?
i kind of have a contention with eckhart tolle that i haven't told anyone about. i think eckhart tolle doesn't understand the power of memory in a human being. yes, the present moment is a powerful goddess, etc., etc. that can be.
but, has eckhart tolle talked with many elderly people? i feel like i have. i was raised by my dad, who was always 48 older than me, and my grandma, who was always something like 55 years older than me, and carolee, who was like 43 years older than me. and when they talked to me, they didn't like to complain about their present. after all, i was a little kid in their midst. but my dad and grandma in particular had experienced great losses. they had lost the most joyful times in their lives, and as much as they would have loved to get the ones they most loved back, they knew they couldn't. so they would tell me about those times. my grandma would talk about going to yellowstone with my grandpa. about how they met when they were 6 when he chased her up a cherry tree, were born a week apart, and then he showed up at her high school, and the rest was history. not that he stayed faithful, but still it was history.
of course my dad talked non-stop about my mom. except on holidays when he was so, so sad. that was hard. there was not much i could do to cheer him up then. and sometimes people don't realize that intense pain also can paralyze other people. i don't know the answer for intense pain. i try to write about it, to do yoga.
today i don't feel like i can go to yoga. i have been a fish lying at the bottom of a tank. not very responsive to those around me, though i talked to zulaika for a minute.
i think back on a happy memory, of sitting on a bench in a park, alone and dazed like i was elderly, maybe with dementia, not knowing what to make of my past or future, watching the clouds softly drift over my little world in a sky domed park framed by trees. the children's play equipment didn't matter. the people were there were probably really nice but hardly grazed my vision. i felt like it was the end of something. i didn't want it to be.
i keep thinking about those white clouds. this is what liz (my yoga teacher) notices. the clouds drifting by overhead. the last vivid memories i've heard of hers (though she has kids and nieces, etc.), but the last vivid memories i've heard of hers of love was her two weeks with the yogananda, her two weeks of bliss. then there was her husband who didn't stay but who she forgave.
i don't feel like i can go to yoga. but i may be able to walk kyla to that park. i may even be able to read there.
but, has eckhart tolle talked with many elderly people? i feel like i have. i was raised by my dad, who was always 48 older than me, and my grandma, who was always something like 55 years older than me, and carolee, who was like 43 years older than me. and when they talked to me, they didn't like to complain about their present. after all, i was a little kid in their midst. but my dad and grandma in particular had experienced great losses. they had lost the most joyful times in their lives, and as much as they would have loved to get the ones they most loved back, they knew they couldn't. so they would tell me about those times. my grandma would talk about going to yellowstone with my grandpa. about how they met when they were 6 when he chased her up a cherry tree, were born a week apart, and then he showed up at her high school, and the rest was history. not that he stayed faithful, but still it was history.
of course my dad talked non-stop about my mom. except on holidays when he was so, so sad. that was hard. there was not much i could do to cheer him up then. and sometimes people don't realize that intense pain also can paralyze other people. i don't know the answer for intense pain. i try to write about it, to do yoga.
today i don't feel like i can go to yoga. i have been a fish lying at the bottom of a tank. not very responsive to those around me, though i talked to zulaika for a minute.
i think back on a happy memory, of sitting on a bench in a park, alone and dazed like i was elderly, maybe with dementia, not knowing what to make of my past or future, watching the clouds softly drift over my little world in a sky domed park framed by trees. the children's play equipment didn't matter. the people were there were probably really nice but hardly grazed my vision. i felt like it was the end of something. i didn't want it to be.
i keep thinking about those white clouds. this is what liz (my yoga teacher) notices. the clouds drifting by overhead. the last vivid memories i've heard of hers (though she has kids and nieces, etc.), but the last vivid memories i've heard of hers of love was her two weeks with the yogananda, her two weeks of bliss. then there was her husband who didn't stay but who she forgave.
i don't feel like i can go to yoga. but i may be able to walk kyla to that park. i may even be able to read there.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
head shop
there was a shop that sold heads. no one knew who owned it.
all the heads bounced around looking to see if they wanted to buy another head, a companion. some boy heads looked for girl heads that would smile back at them forever because they admired them so much. some girl heads looked for boy heads that promised only to love them. some heads just chose to keep looking around. other heads promised to look out for everyone's best interest, to save the day. some heads decided to tell stories about the other heads. and the heads kept bopping around. they waited for the other heads to say things. they wondered who they should say things to. what would happen if they did. what would happen if they said interesting things. and then the store closed and all the heads were alone. some of them were fine. some of them were sad. all of them were heads.
all the heads bounced around looking to see if they wanted to buy another head, a companion. some boy heads looked for girl heads that would smile back at them forever because they admired them so much. some girl heads looked for boy heads that promised only to love them. some heads just chose to keep looking around. other heads promised to look out for everyone's best interest, to save the day. some heads decided to tell stories about the other heads. and the heads kept bopping around. they waited for the other heads to say things. they wondered who they should say things to. what would happen if they did. what would happen if they said interesting things. and then the store closed and all the heads were alone. some of them were fine. some of them were sad. all of them were heads.
fish in a tank
a fish
was swimming
in a tank
when a
large hand
reached in
and started to
hold it
the hand said
oh, my hand
was so hot
and now it is
so cool
holding you
the fish said
wow, i like this
too. i am so glad
you are here.
and for awhile
the fish forgot
about the water
and forgot
about the tank
it felt that smooth
hand caressing
all of its wild parts
and felt wet and
known
and then the hand
said, well, better
get back
to my body
i've got so many
people to see
and the fish
wondered
about its tank
it wondered
about its stripes
it wondered all
over again
when it could
ever forget
it was swimming
when it would
ever quit worrying
about drowning
if it would ever feel
happy to be held
again.
was swimming
in a tank
when a
large hand
reached in
and started to
hold it
the hand said
oh, my hand
was so hot
and now it is
so cool
holding you
the fish said
wow, i like this
too. i am so glad
you are here.
and for awhile
the fish forgot
about the water
and forgot
about the tank
it felt that smooth
hand caressing
all of its wild parts
and felt wet and
known
and then the hand
said, well, better
get back
to my body
i've got so many
people to see
and the fish
wondered
about its tank
it wondered
about its stripes
it wondered all
over again
when it could
ever forget
it was swimming
when it would
ever quit worrying
about drowning
if it would ever feel
happy to be held
again.
choices
carolee told me we don't always get to make choices in life. life makes them for us. i couldn't believe she would say that to me. what was the point then? what was the point of loving? what was the point of caring? what was the point of trying? of trying to decide anything?
living the questions
put that heavy belief/unbelief book down for now. on to living the questions: essays inspired by the work and life of parker j. palmer. palmer is one of the educators that i love.
between belief and unbelief
i'm finally opening an interesting book by paul w. pruyser, a clinical psychologist at the menninger foundation exploring the dynamics of belief in a pluralistic society. it's called between belief and unbelief. its book jacket states:
today religious belief is no longer the norm and unbelief the exception. as society becomes increasingly secular and pluralistic, unbelief is seen to be much more than a psychological vacuum which awaits the fulfillment of belief: it is a complex system unique to each unbeliever ... pruyser shows how both religious belief and its rejection are states of alienation based on conflicting conceptions of society... the major theme of the book is: that both religion and irreligion, belief and unbelief, spring from a common root, man's pursuit of happiness. (sorry, but yeah, something new?)
this pursuit unfolds a number of existential themes which beset the entire life span: mystery, options, Providence, and fantasy versus reality (getting more interesting). dr. pruyser studies how both attitudes are used to cope with these themes, drawing from classical texts in the psychology of religion ....
belief and unbelief are thus intimately interrelated. they are means of dealing with important life themes. they do not have to be held as love and hate objects in their own right, but may be understood as varied expressions of differing perceptions (interesting).
where pruyser is going: in the book's final section (jacket says) pruyser addresses the problem of where the meeting point between belief and unbelief may be found in a pluralistic society. he rejects the mere civil contract of toleration in favor of the positive value of tolerance, which recognizes, respects, and affirms the divergent states of belief and visions of reality (yay for pruyser).
well, i feel like i've met people and read people saying such things that seem to make such sense, but if i absorb anything new from pruyser, i'll try to relay it.
today religious belief is no longer the norm and unbelief the exception. as society becomes increasingly secular and pluralistic, unbelief is seen to be much more than a psychological vacuum which awaits the fulfillment of belief: it is a complex system unique to each unbeliever ... pruyser shows how both religious belief and its rejection are states of alienation based on conflicting conceptions of society... the major theme of the book is: that both religion and irreligion, belief and unbelief, spring from a common root, man's pursuit of happiness. (sorry, but yeah, something new?)
this pursuit unfolds a number of existential themes which beset the entire life span: mystery, options, Providence, and fantasy versus reality (getting more interesting). dr. pruyser studies how both attitudes are used to cope with these themes, drawing from classical texts in the psychology of religion ....
belief and unbelief are thus intimately interrelated. they are means of dealing with important life themes. they do not have to be held as love and hate objects in their own right, but may be understood as varied expressions of differing perceptions (interesting).
where pruyser is going: in the book's final section (jacket says) pruyser addresses the problem of where the meeting point between belief and unbelief may be found in a pluralistic society. he rejects the mere civil contract of toleration in favor of the positive value of tolerance, which recognizes, respects, and affirms the divergent states of belief and visions of reality (yay for pruyser).
well, i feel like i've met people and read people saying such things that seem to make such sense, but if i absorb anything new from pruyser, i'll try to relay it.
LOVE
LOVE makes me cry. it's also why i live. it's why we all live. it is so, so powerful.
i have a friend who is like a shaman. i guess you could say the merging of any two energies, focuses, is shamanistic. we are taking what we have seen and loved and tried to understand and putting it together, seeing what our mutual focus and attention yields. with a given person, it can yield so much. it depends on what kind of meaning we want to share. maybe we will share jokes. maybe we will share our histories. maybe we will share our perceptions of other people, other people's histories, their engagements with the world and their sorrows.
we probably know we are constantly constructing meaning. we hope we like the meaning of what we construct. we try to. if we put enough love into our meanings, we assume their power will hold us. love's power does hold us. it shapes us, and it holds us. and we try to stay organized in its midst. pay the bills. love some more. stand back. reflect on what's been created. what we create. and the longer we go on, the more we learn to be grateful for the time.
i have a friend who is like a shaman. i guess you could say the merging of any two energies, focuses, is shamanistic. we are taking what we have seen and loved and tried to understand and putting it together, seeing what our mutual focus and attention yields. with a given person, it can yield so much. it depends on what kind of meaning we want to share. maybe we will share jokes. maybe we will share our histories. maybe we will share our perceptions of other people, other people's histories, their engagements with the world and their sorrows.
we probably know we are constantly constructing meaning. we hope we like the meaning of what we construct. we try to. if we put enough love into our meanings, we assume their power will hold us. love's power does hold us. it shapes us, and it holds us. and we try to stay organized in its midst. pay the bills. love some more. stand back. reflect on what's been created. what we create. and the longer we go on, the more we learn to be grateful for the time.
gentle places to place our love
i think i have looked for gentle places to rest my love. i have looked for people who could help me figure out how to serve others. and i have looked for people who i could help. i have looked for people with similar philosophies as i hone what i think is best for me and what is best for me to give others.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
today's wisdom
"each in his own way. in his own time."
the body has about 250 muscles. we normally use about 10 of these per day.
in yoga, we use all of them.
strong body = strong mind = strong spirit
i used to think i only needed a strong mind. that got me in a lot of arguments. and reading all the time got my body out of shape. my spirit, too (though it does kind of depend on what you read, if you can talk with anyone about what you read, be understood, teach maybe, etc.).
i'm grateful for yoga. i'm grateful for my intuition, which leads me to what i need.
the body has about 250 muscles. we normally use about 10 of these per day.
in yoga, we use all of them.
strong body = strong mind = strong spirit
i used to think i only needed a strong mind. that got me in a lot of arguments. and reading all the time got my body out of shape. my spirit, too (though it does kind of depend on what you read, if you can talk with anyone about what you read, be understood, teach maybe, etc.).
i'm grateful for yoga. i'm grateful for my intuition, which leads me to what i need.
Monday, July 14, 2008
reality bites
just talked to jenny. the girl who kept me at cornell. promised life gets better after freshman year and was always there to create an oral drama of play while staying in reality. and being honest about it. maybe too honest. maybe too stark. she teaches kids with behavior problems. she teaches them well. i don't like to think i'm a kid with behavior problems. she loves me.
sometimes, it seems that the world can change. sometimes, it seems entrenched, as much as it would like to change.
we have to keep loving the world. mostly, we have to love ourselves even more. or at least in a balance with the world. probably that. we are part of the world. the only part we can truly change.
and we have to evaluate our options as objectively and lovingly as we can.
sometimes, it seems that the world can change. sometimes, it seems entrenched, as much as it would like to change.
we have to keep loving the world. mostly, we have to love ourselves even more. or at least in a balance with the world. probably that. we are part of the world. the only part we can truly change.
and we have to evaluate our options as objectively and lovingly as we can.
unconditional love
just had two great yoga sessions, the first with liz, and we practiced nostril breathing, breathing from BOTH SIDES. that was useful. i told liz i'd like to take her out to dinner or lunch soon. she exclaimed (in her wise way) "Steak and lobster!" we didn't make any plans today.
terri was in the class with liz and i (and everyone else). she made the next class a continuation, and it also felt very tailored. based on what i've shared.
the hot yoga room is still not functioning. it hasn't been for about a week and a half. i miss it, but i'm having new experiences in new rooms. today we were in the south ballet room, which is chartreuse with lots of light. i met a really nice woman. she has her phd in speech pathology. we talked about "the diving bell and the butterfly." i'd seen the movie, she read the book. she is moving to cincinnatti with her family in three weeks. we talked about our work, how we both want to help people express. i really admired her. i had great respect for her.
i wish i could relay all of the wisdom of what terri said and did today. i know i appreciate it and internalized most of it.
it's interesting the ways in which in yoga, the way we talk about the body can also be applied to the mind, to the spirit, to life.
one thing i'm being re-taught is to use (my body, life) for balance but not to grab. we can't grab life. we use it for greater balance.
today we used the ballet bars. i was thinking about joseph campbell and how he says that every experience in our lives prepares us for the next ones. i remembered the ballet room in the house i grew up in. it was a room in the basement with a parquet floor and a ballet bar. my mom was not a serious dancer but was serious enough to want that. by the time i was about 7, my dad put a desk in that room. that was good because i really didn't know what to do in there. i quit taking ballet and tap when my mom died. it's hard for a single guy to work and get his kid to lessons, etc. understandable.
i remember being really fully engaged in that room. in the credenza behind the desk, i put my encyclopedias. i kind of tried to make the big lawyer's desk mine. i sat there and talked on the phone with friends. i would ask them about the most interesting people in their lives. my friend katie would tell me about her friend tanya. even though katie's dad was in prison for murder, tanya most fascinated us. she had had several abortions. poor tanya. tanya was also my dog's name. it was odd making sense of the world in such circumstances. but i would write rhyming poems about people when i got off the phone. i had no control over tanya. i didn't even know her. but i was katie's friend. i still am. she reads a lot of novels. she works in a science lab in omaha, microbiology like her mom. she still lives with her mom. another story... katie is about 33.
at the dance bar, a lot of this went through my head. i looked in the mirror and saw how tan i am right now. i felt like i did when i was 8, going to the pool every day diving after coins and things we would throw in the pool. i feel very similar to that 8-year-old right now. happy and unsure. flexible and not in control.
our ending meditation was about love. about unconditional love. about accepting love. it is hard to find. this made me tear up. and yet we also have to accept that we're not in charge of the dominoes. if someone takes one of the dominoes out, we just have to accept and love unconditionally.
terri was saying we have to be content. that is an aa-ism. perhaps a truism if terri is saying that, too. not every meal is going to be steak and lobster. maybe no meals may be. but we can accept the love that we are given. we can accept those gifts. we can love the world. we can love the simple love, too.
i smell chemicals. i'm not back at the pool. but there must be a cleaning project somewhere nearby. good for them.
terri was in the class with liz and i (and everyone else). she made the next class a continuation, and it also felt very tailored. based on what i've shared.
the hot yoga room is still not functioning. it hasn't been for about a week and a half. i miss it, but i'm having new experiences in new rooms. today we were in the south ballet room, which is chartreuse with lots of light. i met a really nice woman. she has her phd in speech pathology. we talked about "the diving bell and the butterfly." i'd seen the movie, she read the book. she is moving to cincinnatti with her family in three weeks. we talked about our work, how we both want to help people express. i really admired her. i had great respect for her.
i wish i could relay all of the wisdom of what terri said and did today. i know i appreciate it and internalized most of it.
it's interesting the ways in which in yoga, the way we talk about the body can also be applied to the mind, to the spirit, to life.
one thing i'm being re-taught is to use (my body, life) for balance but not to grab. we can't grab life. we use it for greater balance.
today we used the ballet bars. i was thinking about joseph campbell and how he says that every experience in our lives prepares us for the next ones. i remembered the ballet room in the house i grew up in. it was a room in the basement with a parquet floor and a ballet bar. my mom was not a serious dancer but was serious enough to want that. by the time i was about 7, my dad put a desk in that room. that was good because i really didn't know what to do in there. i quit taking ballet and tap when my mom died. it's hard for a single guy to work and get his kid to lessons, etc. understandable.
i remember being really fully engaged in that room. in the credenza behind the desk, i put my encyclopedias. i kind of tried to make the big lawyer's desk mine. i sat there and talked on the phone with friends. i would ask them about the most interesting people in their lives. my friend katie would tell me about her friend tanya. even though katie's dad was in prison for murder, tanya most fascinated us. she had had several abortions. poor tanya. tanya was also my dog's name. it was odd making sense of the world in such circumstances. but i would write rhyming poems about people when i got off the phone. i had no control over tanya. i didn't even know her. but i was katie's friend. i still am. she reads a lot of novels. she works in a science lab in omaha, microbiology like her mom. she still lives with her mom. another story... katie is about 33.
at the dance bar, a lot of this went through my head. i looked in the mirror and saw how tan i am right now. i felt like i did when i was 8, going to the pool every day diving after coins and things we would throw in the pool. i feel very similar to that 8-year-old right now. happy and unsure. flexible and not in control.
our ending meditation was about love. about unconditional love. about accepting love. it is hard to find. this made me tear up. and yet we also have to accept that we're not in charge of the dominoes. if someone takes one of the dominoes out, we just have to accept and love unconditionally.
terri was saying we have to be content. that is an aa-ism. perhaps a truism if terri is saying that, too. not every meal is going to be steak and lobster. maybe no meals may be. but we can accept the love that we are given. we can accept those gifts. we can love the world. we can love the simple love, too.
i smell chemicals. i'm not back at the pool. but there must be a cleaning project somewhere nearby. good for them.
breathing
today focusing on letting go while still feeling.
this came about after amy helped me through sobbing and suffocating with g-mail biofeedback. she is good.
also had nice gchat with monique. our spirits are very kindred right now (and always, but very much now).
darcy was great last night.
ouch. trying to let go.
looked at some of tom's art online.
art expresses the soul. but the soul's breathing is most important. thinking about camping alone. need fresh air.
this came about after amy helped me through sobbing and suffocating with g-mail biofeedback. she is good.
also had nice gchat with monique. our spirits are very kindred right now (and always, but very much now).
darcy was great last night.
ouch. trying to let go.
looked at some of tom's art online.
art expresses the soul. but the soul's breathing is most important. thinking about camping alone. need fresh air.
Sunday, July 13, 2008
tomorrow's monday
what is it that you need?
tomorrow my dad needs his last dose of chemo.
tomorrow clint goes to the eye doctor.
tomorrow i will wait and see what happens.
tomorrow i will go to yoga. i will work on some kind of book for someone.
i will see if someone needs tutoring.
i will maybe go on a bike ride. i will maybe go running.
i will try to wait and see. i will try to breathe.
we will be in touch.
tomorrow my dad needs his last dose of chemo.
tomorrow clint goes to the eye doctor.
tomorrow i will wait and see what happens.
tomorrow i will go to yoga. i will work on some kind of book for someone.
i will see if someone needs tutoring.
i will maybe go on a bike ride. i will maybe go running.
i will try to wait and see. i will try to breathe.
we will be in touch.
really good yoga
great yoga session infused with seasonal wisdom.
following, an interesting and validating talk about what matters with terri and pat. i love pat. always have.
following, an interesting and validating talk about what matters with terri and pat. i love pat. always have.
tell us about the boys
i can't get the song out of my head that my sister used to sing on the road "ooh ah ooh ah boop boop kitty. tell us about the boys from new york city." i keep singing it in my head and occasionally dancing to this song. as a 4 and 5 year old this was the coolest song ever. i think it might have made me boy crazy back then. we had a cassette of my sister singing it that my dad and i would listen to in the car. then it either broke or we lost it. but it never left my head.
poor clint has a really bad headache, which he thinks might stem from an untreated eye infection. poor guy. needs to go to the doctor. so i don't sing this around him right now. only in my head or when i get into a room alone while i put away my clean clothes, think about doing more cleaning, and consider my exercise options for the day. will probably end up walking kyla and going to yoga with terri at 2. she's really into ayurveda, and i'm currently reading a book about it, if i can ever get through a book again.
oh, and i'm thinking i probably won't come to new york because my brother tom is coming here for his mom's side's of the family's reunion in early august. i'll save the free ticket. and not spend any money or time in new york this summer. i don't need any more mental racket :)
poor clint has a really bad headache, which he thinks might stem from an untreated eye infection. poor guy. needs to go to the doctor. so i don't sing this around him right now. only in my head or when i get into a room alone while i put away my clean clothes, think about doing more cleaning, and consider my exercise options for the day. will probably end up walking kyla and going to yoga with terri at 2. she's really into ayurveda, and i'm currently reading a book about it, if i can ever get through a book again.
oh, and i'm thinking i probably won't come to new york because my brother tom is coming here for his mom's side's of the family's reunion in early august. i'll save the free ticket. and not spend any money or time in new york this summer. i don't need any more mental racket :)
Saturday, July 12, 2008
love tricks
sometimes i forget how good the old pros in my life are at loving me. my sister ann was in tip-top shape yesterday delivering life wisdom during the most mundane of tasks while making it all seem hand-crafted to a particular matter.
clint also was a masterful partner in meeting cuddly needs and delivering the most cuddly, balanced, of loving pillow i-don't-know-what-to-call-it: human speech. :)
i am a blessed person for all of you gifts in my life. it's really nice. thank you.
clint also was a masterful partner in meeting cuddly needs and delivering the most cuddly, balanced, of loving pillow i-don't-know-what-to-call-it: human speech. :)
i am a blessed person for all of you gifts in my life. it's really nice. thank you.
free to be you, free to be me
well, i just had a nice afternoon by myself. actually kyla (my dog) was with me. kyla and i took a walk around holmes lake. i stopped to watch a mother duck with EIGHT ducklings! what a brave duck. it reminded me of a book my mom read to me about a mother duck trying to cross the road with her ducklings. i think it's called "make way for ducklings." something like that... the walk was nice. noticed a lot of people. there was a big party going on that looked fun. had a great talk with amy.
then went to get some supplies for a cleaning project. i went to the gas station that zulaika would frequent and got some rubbing alcohol, salt, and water. i asked the guy if he knew zulaika, if he had her car. he said, no, that's brad. i said, oh, you know zulaika? he said, yeah, she's a great lady. i said she's my best friend and felt momentarily juvenile :) zulaika is a lady. :) i said, yeah, she's out in san francisco. he said, yeah, i hope she's eating a lot of seafood out there. i'm jealous. i said yeah.
now, i'm off to get ready for katie's wedding. i'm pretty happy about that. i think there will be lots of good feelings there and i can't wait to see her so happy. she and luke are such beautiful people. they will be stunning, i bet. looking forward to it. i think this may be the first wedding where i've showed up alone, and i really don't care.
then went to get some supplies for a cleaning project. i went to the gas station that zulaika would frequent and got some rubbing alcohol, salt, and water. i asked the guy if he knew zulaika, if he had her car. he said, no, that's brad. i said, oh, you know zulaika? he said, yeah, she's a great lady. i said she's my best friend and felt momentarily juvenile :) zulaika is a lady. :) i said, yeah, she's out in san francisco. he said, yeah, i hope she's eating a lot of seafood out there. i'm jealous. i said yeah.
now, i'm off to get ready for katie's wedding. i'm pretty happy about that. i think there will be lots of good feelings there and i can't wait to see her so happy. she and luke are such beautiful people. they will be stunning, i bet. looking forward to it. i think this may be the first wedding where i've showed up alone, and i really don't care.
Friday, July 11, 2008
sharing love
it was really nice to share my love with my sister's family today. i don't know what lies in store for me, but i know i had a really great day, and my sister rocks my socks off. we did a bunch of work and then let our hair down, and we haven't done that quite like that for as long as i can remember, though i know that used to happen when she didn't have little kids (adore them as i do). now they rock my socks off, too.
drove home in a really bad storm and was afraid i was going to die. i wasn't sure what to do. the interstate was flooding, and i pulled behind some semis on the side of the road for awhile. i wasn't sure who to call. i tried clint once, but there was no answer. he was sleeping. it was scary, and i'm glad i made it home alive. usually he drives home from there, i guess, and also i was just so happy i was almost wondering if it was safe to drive so happy, not that i was manic but just full of joy.
anyways, home now and off to bed. goodnight. warm wishes. all that. hmmm.
drove home in a really bad storm and was afraid i was going to die. i wasn't sure what to do. the interstate was flooding, and i pulled behind some semis on the side of the road for awhile. i wasn't sure who to call. i tried clint once, but there was no answer. he was sleeping. it was scary, and i'm glad i made it home alive. usually he drives home from there, i guess, and also i was just so happy i was almost wondering if it was safe to drive so happy, not that i was manic but just full of joy.
anyways, home now and off to bed. goodnight. warm wishes. all that. hmmm.
a supposed first chapter... a draft i wrote a couple weeks ago
Chapter 1: The Get-Away
As I blaze past the green fields of corn in my 1987 black Honda Prelude, I look in my rearview mirror and see my sister Ann’s beige minivan following behind. It is 1996, and Ann is driving with our dad, who I suspect is agitated, and her baby son Samir. Ann agreed to help drive my stuff to college in Mt. Vernon, five hours east of Omaha. I imagine what I would be facing had Ann not been so saintly as to come: my dad with a U-Haul latched to the back of his 1982 Buick Riviera, embarrassing me as its whale-like body pulled into the circle of my dormitory. My 66-year-old father would have alternated between cussing about what we were doing, flirting with the college girls, and making unbearable jokes to the guys. With Ann with us, everything is mediated and goes much more smoothly.
When we pull over to a gas station to take a break, Ann points out she’s worried by the way I change lanes. I turn on my turn signal and just go, not far enough ahead when I pull in front of the semis. I think, C’mon, I’ve been driving for two years, I know what I’m doing. I think I’m grown up, I sold dead relatives’ jewelry on my own to buy this car; I can drive it. But I’m more careful when I get back on the road. I’m grateful to Ann. I’m grateful she gave me a job over the summer nannying Samir, gave me something to do this awkward summer before college and let me pretend a little bit that he’s my baby, though I’m so glad I’ve made it this far without becoming a mom. That has been a goal.
I remember taking this trip across Iowa with my dad back when things were calmer between us at the beginning of my senior year. I wanted to go away to Seattle for college. My brother Ron was dating a girl from there, and I thought it seemed like a cool place and far away. I was mad at my dad. I was tired of being raised by a single, old man, tired of not having a mom. I wanted to understand why my mom killed herself when I was four, and I hadn’t figured it out.
Tom, my dad’s youngest son of the five kids from his first marriage, was visiting my dad and I for an afternoon. I was considering going to the University of Iowa, compromising a bit since I only had the little I’d inherited from my grandma to help pay for college. My dad had suffered financial losses that had led him to file bankruptcy when I was sixteen. We he had leave our big, beautiful home that we’d shared with my mom and moved into a condo off a highway.
Tom encouraged me to consider a small college. He said I should be a big fish in a small pond and mentioned Cornell College, which was close to Iowa City where he’d lived for the past ten years. He put everything in such a way that I thought it was my idea to go to Cornell. I got excited about their one-course-at-a-time and felt nonconformist to be considering such a unique system of education. I thought I might even be able to show my dad that I was just as smart as him if I could table math and science for awhile and focus on one-course-at-a-time.
When my dad took me for the college visit, we got on the Interstate and headed east and drove for hours talking. I kept asking “Shouldn’t we look at a map?” but my Dad kept saying he knew where was he was going, like he had already memorized America. But he drove us straight to Mt. Vernon, getting off at all the right exits. We stayed in a hotel in Cedar Rapids and found a restaurant we would later frequent every time he visited me.
But before I made the decision to go there, I was shocked when my dad seemed to pull a route to a cemetery out of his sleeve, where he showed me the graves of my great-grandmother and great-grandfather who he revealed met at Cornell. I realized I’d been set-up, but I fell too in love with the college to care.
I can still remember the peppery-haired, bearded English professor with a rich, seasoned voice who sold me on the college experience at Cornell. He told us about the London trip where they took students on a theatre tour during one 3 ½ week class. I couldn’t believe a college class could actually go to London. The more I heard during the English class I sat in on, the more I couldn’t believe this was real. My dad chatted up the senior who gave us a tour of the campus. It looked like what I’d always thought a college should look like without ever having visited one, aside from Nebraska's biggest university. It was a distance but not too far from home, it was beautiful, I had family roots there, it seemed manageable and stimulating, and I was sold.
Now that it was time to leave, though, I was much more emotionally complex. I couldn’t believe I was leaving my dad. I didn’t know if he’d be okay without me. What would he be without me? I didn’t know what I’d be without him. I’d fought with him so much my senior year. I now had a serious boyfriend, and my dad could do nothing but annoy me. I hated the condo where we lived, even though I had the basement to myself, which I decorated with a framed poster of “The Scream” and a futon with a dark, abstract pattern. The condo didn’t feel like home after living my whole life in the only house where I’d known my mom. My dad said that maybe this was nature, that parent and child must war before the child leaves home just so they can leave the nest. I hated how my dad seemed to have a stupid answer for everything.
I thought my dad must have done something to make my mom kill herself, but I hadn’t figured it out yet. I tried to figure it out through writing. I interviewed everyone I knew who'd known her and wrote a column for my high school newspaper about her suicide. I’m sure no one in my audience could relate, and perhaps I was horrifying them. But I needed to figure it out. And I felt that I needed to get away from my dad to do it.
On the day I left for college, I was filled with so much more than hate and resentment. I loved my dad, and many aspects of my life in Nebraska, but I was confused. I had just returned from a trip to San Francisco paid for my mom’s aunt, who I barely knew. I stayed with my mom’s cousin who worked as a scientific researcher at Stanford University. My mom’s cousin Margaret, which was also my mom’s name before she had it legally changed to Stephanie, was generously determined to show me what life held outside of Nebraska. Over lunch at what she carefully pointed out was an authentic Mexican food restaurant, she told me that Ronald Reagan was not the hero my dad touted. She said he was a horrible man who had invented a lie called the trickle-down theory. The rich stayed rich, and the poor got poorer. But my dad loved Ronald Reagan. My dad was named Ron and was a lawyer who wore suits every day; as a child, I had imagined he was just as capable of being elected as Ronald Reagan. I didn’t know why Margaret had such a vendetta against Ronald Reagan, but I wanted to find out more about what the problem with Republicans was all about.
Margaret had gone to school at Grinnell College, in Iowa, so she tantalized me with praises of an intellectual existence outside Nebraska, my dad, and Omaha’s Republican influence. After doing well in college, she’d gone out to San Francisco, and still there, she introduced me to the new tastes of dim sum, Japanese food, the subway system, and the beauty of the San Francisco hills. She said the world was corrupt and that being a scientific researcher was the only ethical profession she could think of. She thought not even teaching was a suitable career because even then you’re grading and evaluating people. She had a beautiful home, which she owned with her husband, who was a very kind man, was as nuclear physicist at Stanford, and was much less bitter than Margaret. They had shelves full of books, and she assured me that Gore Vidal and Norman Mailer were more important than the books that shelved my dad’s library.
I came home amazed by San Francisco but resentful of Margaret, who had never had children and refused to watch anything but documentaries. I felt belittled by her but also impressed by all that she had shown me. Mostly, I felt confused. I loved my dad and Omaha and didn’t want to hate them or leave them, but she made me feel like the more I learned, the more I would want to move away. I didn’t want to fight with my dad, and I didn’t want to be alone when I said goodbye.
The goodbye was hard, sad, and made me cry, yet also made me feel weird for being curious about this new chapter. I wanted to succeed in college and make new friends, but I was also so tied to home. I didn’t want my boyfriend in Nebraska to forget about me. And I also didn’t want to squander this opportunity. It was my inheritance from the Hammonds, my mother’s family, who were now all dead, that was paying for 1/4 of my education. None of the Hammonds had gone to college, and they had worked hard for their money and to survive and have happy times despite the dysfunction of their family’s existence. I wanted to understand my family, the damage of their history, and I wanted to make something positive of my life. I would study as much as I needed to get straight A’s, and I would try not to live the mistakes of my mother’s footsteps. I had a boyfriend I loved in Nebraska. I didn’t know how or if we’d stay together, but I was satisfied on the romance front. I decided to focus and start learning everything I could.
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