lives of quiet desperation

i miss being an english student right now, where i get to experience meaning that resonates me that's not necessarily connected to a living person's availability.

in college, i had three favorite professors: my english professor, rich martin, my politics professor, craig allin, and my spanish professor carol lacy-salazar even though she and i ended up being pretty different people. but we did go to bolivia for a month together (with the rest of the class), and that was an experience i will never forget.

hmm... well, went to yoga for two sessions tonight. great to be with liz. i thought she helped me work out a lot. then i come home and check my email and feel back in the quiet desperation. so maybe i'll unplug and get a different home or something. talk to my friends on the phone. venture out into the world on foot or something.

my thoughts are all over the place. they are on getting a longer stay in california. they are on looking into journalism jobs. they are on...

during yoga, i can have a lot of thoughts and feelings, like a constant stream, especially in hot yoga where i'm really familiar with the postures. liz talks and guides, and i move and process inside. it is therapy. then i come home into really still air and come to this computer and type, which is what i've been wanting to do for like the last 2 hours of yoga anyway, so it works out.

a little under 2 years ago, i quit going to therapy. my counselor charlie and i decided that the only thing i needed to deal with at that point was getting more exercise. so i started going to yoga and fell in love with liz and her teachings, and the rest is history. liz finds yoga superior to "therapy" too. there's just a lot of wisdom in movement and listening to our insides. not that it necessary helps us to control much outside of ourselves. but it opens up channels. today we did a little chakra healing. i know i need a lot more.

i had a whole bunch of stuff i wanted to say. oh, like how in rich martin's class i started to think a lot more. actually, in all three of my favorite professor's classes, i started to think a lot more, in my case about meaning/literature, meaning/politics, and meaning/foreign language, culture, and experience. it was great. i would't trade my cornell experience now that i'm really thinking about it. except thinking like i do is not always valued and maybe does not always lead to happy life. i don't know... thinking makes one non-conventional. and then maybe we still want to live a kind of conventional life. but, there are so many complications that it seems thinking can barely get us out of if at all. in some cases, it seems that never learning to think would be preferable. being a secretary (not that don't they think) and making dinner (not that it doesn't take thinking). a legal secretary would make a good income. she'd just have to deal with the lawyers.

when i went to college, i thought i wanted to marry clint and be a psychologist and/or a lawyer. then i took those other classes, and the stream of events happened where i ended up here.

i fell in love with literature. i fell in love with the passionate way rich martin talked about it, from hemingway to faulkner to charlotte perkins gilman... right now i want to read: charlotte, national hawthorne's scarlet letter, and that's all for now. maybe i will pick those up and do something with them. i feel like reading them in my apartment, but i have a house and maybe a husband. we don't know right now. all i know is what i'm saying in this blog at this moment, and that's for real.

clint is napping. i am starving and will probably eat something. probably should go to the grocery store. i typically love grocery stores. now i'm not in the best of moods. so i don't want to go.

about food, though, in case anyone is interested, liz tells this story of this woman who quit eating when was 12 because people kept telling her she ate too much. so she rebelled. supposedly she didn't eat for 50 years and lived just fine. clint and i have discussed this story at length. he doesn't believe it's true that we get what we need from the air, and that our bodies really don't need a lot of food for energy. if anyone wants to know more, they should talk to liz.

but, i do know that i believe everything she says. i can't help it. i do. and i want to.