What If

What if our religion was each other
If our practice was our life
If prayer, our words
What if the temple was the earth
If forests were our church
If holy water--the rivers, lakes, and oceans
What if meditation was our
relationships
If the Teacher was life
If wisdom was self-knowledge
If love was the center of our being

-Munay Radtke

the dog park

have you ever eaten a pine tree?
actually stuck your mouth around a pine
needle, covered with snow?
if you haven't, you might need to reconsider

lately, have you walked through a drift of snow
and had a siberian husky tunnel in front of you with her nose?

i've been reading essays about how words can fail
to convey experience
and realize maybe we've just got to live our own

but have you seen two saint bernards
in their russet, thick fur
come up to a husky
and seem to say, you may be the more direct descendant
of the wolf
but the humans had a better idea with us

the husky runs away
bearing her teeth
saying i got these from the wolf
and now i'm on my way

when's the last time
you've eaten snow?

if there's snow outside
and you haven't had a bite today
you might
be making a mistake.

i crossed paths a couple times
with a woman with three dogs
one was a tan beagle
with a bark bigger than his bite
and i wondered why she didn't try to
calm my environment and shut him up
she had accepted her circumstances
gabbing away on the phone
telling someone she thought that
was the best thing they should do

but i'm wondering:
really, have you eaten snow?
there's something healing,
deeper than water
or ice

a man just walked by with a cowboy hat
carrying a round case saying something
about a cowboy

and i want to tell you
it's all spiritual

so was the man with the beard
who could be a santa claus
but looked like he spent more time
on a motorcyle
and today he had a german shepherd pup
who he can count on spending at least
12 years with

what a policy
a dog represents
and that pine needle
with its snow for today

and those drops of honey
you put in your tea
and the cheese-flavored chex-mix

and the papers you need to grade

and those lips you dreamed of kissing today
especially after you ate the snow.

the thing about poetry

the thing about poetry
or words that don't go all the way across
the page
but try to be more contained
is that it helps you make better choices
you see how in a few words
rather than racing thoughts
trying to claim
chapters of your life
you can shape your vision
you can represent yourself
look at it
and think
how would i like to better represent
experience
not just on the page
but in life
you can sort of
reshape your eyes
to make sure
you're looking at the trees
that you're listening to the om
song

you realize more acutely
maybe
your om song
i'm from omaha
i've actually never lived there
i'm from bellevue
but i've driven in omaha
and hung out there
and had family there
enough to feel like i'm from there

and then i've lived in lincoln for 8 years
it has been this funny place
in my head a lot
where it's just me a lot
figuring out life
while living my 20's here
and now it's the 30's
and somehow i set up some gigs
so that this little place
that has trees, too
and some restaurants
feels kind of like home
and this apartment
where i've been since halloween
is nice
i've lived here for about 10 years
and 2 days

Sunday morning

Ever wake up
on a Sunday morning
at 6 or 7 am
and know who you want to talk to
know who you wish your arm could be around
that moment
and you want to talk to him?

You know he's in his own place
sick in a bed of sorts
and you want to drive over
but you finally have the sanity
to realize the best thing
is to let him sleep?

You get in your car anyway.
You look for light.
You go through Starbuck's
some kind of friendliness at this early hour
while you wait for them to turn your phone back on
now that you've made a payment
even Sunday mornings sometimes require payment

The girl on the other side of the Starbucks speaker
doesn't understand your language
you're trying to speak hers
going to the trouble of saying Grande
when you know that it's medium

you say you want hot tea
she doesn't understand
"you mean the most complicated drink ever that will cost
more than the two dollars you're holding?"
no, just tea, please
you mean... and eventually you tell her
they say they don't have it
you revise
she gets another woman on the line to make sure
she understands you
all this before 8am
and then you're proud
when a man gives you your change, and you're
not mad at anyone
you remembered yesterday that it feels better
when you let go
of all resentments.

you want to talk to that one person still
instead, you drive by the house you almost bought with him.
it's beautiful. you still wish you could live there.
you realize more clearly where he is, wherever he is
you think if you did live in this lovely house,
still for sale,
it would have Christmas lights up right now

you drive down that street to the east
the sun is still coming up, and canopied by trees
there is beauty
you see an elementary school with a sign saying
book fair and music concert
and you think is life too complicated, or am i
for me to think it would be fun to go here with my kid
for it to be that simple?

you want to call somebody
a friend on the east coast perhaps
where they're awake
but busy, even on a sunday morning, you're sure

you've finally thought of what to do, what you could do today
and you might walk in the woods later with your snowpants
and your dog
and you will definitely read/grade papers
and you will drink the tea
and you love all the music you play
and you play it again and again
so happy that you can make choices
that make you feel better

and you know that what he needs is to feel better
and you feel glad for him
that he has the freedom
of figuring out what will make him feel better

and you get a phone call
and you hope it's someone you love
you don't get it in time because your ringer is too quiet
but there's a message
from a random guy "from class"
who saw your message on facebook
that you'd lost your phone
and he did the same thing, and it's no problem
and you say thank you on the internet
and glimpse at his pictures
and see some ones where you think this guy is nice
and it's not an attraction thing
it's a human thing
and you're human
and you're glad about the humans

and you look forward to later in the day
when you do something nice for your dog
and your tea
and all the things you'd love to do

and you realize nothing is going to kill you
maybe you'll put up walls of fear
once in awhile
to get out and work through

and then you'll climb through them
to some place snow-covered or sun-strewn
and you'll be back on the beach again
and you'll see green again
and as dar williams says, you'll push on into that mystery
and it will push back
and there are worse things than that

and as for home, you're somewhere right now
you lucky dog
and there's no way this could have an end
because love doesn't
and life chooses us after all
dar says

and we choose back

The Balance of F

Future
Fuck
Freedom
French Fries
Frank
France

Franchise
Fat
Failure
Forward Bend
French

Fallen
Fantastic
Forgotten
Fa Jian

Fry-daddy
Frailty
Future
For now

Free
French
Fellatio
Fall down
Friends

Father
Fry-daddy
Fantastic
Forever
Foot down

Frankly
Forever
Forgotten
For now

Find me
Feeling
Frisky
For hope
For now

Find Freedom
Five Fingers
Five Femurs
Five Friends

Five
Fifty
Five-Fingered-Feet
don't fall down

quotes

"We are never so confident as when judging other people. But to be ourselves is the true test of confidence."

Courage is leaving a part of who you were behind to find out who you are now, to become..."

-Heather Hunter

all of it

your whole life
has meaning.
and it's all as positive
as what you tried to give it.
that's the gift
under the tree of life
that we all take with us.