Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Friday, December 25, 2009
Charles Bukowski
Christmas eve, alone,
in a motel room
down the coast...
near the Pacific—
hear it?
they’ve tried to do this place up
Spanish, there’s
tapestry and lamps, and
the toilet’s clean, there are
tiny bars of pink
soap.
they won’t find us
here:
the barracudas or the ladies or
the idol
worshippers.
back in town
they’re drunk and panicked
running red lights
breaking their heads open
in honor of Christ’s
birthday. that’s nice.
soon I’ll finish this 5th of
Puerto Rican rum.
in the morning I’ll vomit and
shower, drive back
in, have a sandwich by 1 p.m.,
be back in my room by
2,
stretched on the bed,
waiting for the phone to ring,
not answering,
my holiday is an
evasion, my reasoning
is not.
in a motel room
down the coast...
near the Pacific—
hear it?
they’ve tried to do this place up
Spanish, there’s
tapestry and lamps, and
the toilet’s clean, there are
tiny bars of pink
soap.
they won’t find us
here:
the barracudas or the ladies or
the idol
worshippers.
back in town
they’re drunk and panicked
running red lights
breaking their heads open
in honor of Christ’s
birthday. that’s nice.
soon I’ll finish this 5th of
Puerto Rican rum.
in the morning I’ll vomit and
shower, drive back
in, have a sandwich by 1 p.m.,
be back in my room by
2,
stretched on the bed,
waiting for the phone to ring,
not answering,
my holiday is an
evasion, my reasoning
is not.
alimony
so alimony is like an unemployment check for the divorced. usually only women get it. you've put so many years into the system, and this is what you get back for when you're not married. it's temporary. and it's an opportunity to find new purpose
Jesus
Yesterday my yoga teacher Liz mentioned that Jesus came to Earth (or we might say was born) to help the humans do something in particular. I can't remember what, though. I'll have to ask her. Was he born to help people? What would Jesus do in this blizzard on his birthday right now? Would he help me move my car? Is he on the Catholics' shoulders as they distribute mass-produced turkey to people who are further along in the aging continuum?
What kind of associations am I supposed to be making today? The snow is coming down, and the world is very white, with a smattering of orange leaves and brown trunks.
It is peaceful. It is peaceful to be a being all by herself, with or without the Internet, with or without a dog. That's kind of the surprise of the day.
Last night I felt like there was no room for me and my dog at any inns or family members' homes. It was okay. I made do with more than a manger. I had heat. I had three wise friends over the phone.
I want to remember what Jesus was trying to do... I think he was trying to uplift, to tell us that we'd have life everlasting... I don't think he mentioned hell (didn't the Puritan priest, Jonathan Edwards, come up with that--sinners in the hands of an angry God?) I have a feeling Jesus wasn't trying to start religious wars. He wasn't trying to torment people for not believing in his divinity. I'm sure he wanted us to remember ours. His last words, I believe were: "Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they do." ... (But, I'm wondering, do you really think we don't know what we're doing, Jesus? I mean right or wrong, we know what we're doing. If you want to live in a duality anyway. Maybe we're just not making excuses for being ourselves. I mean what would you have done if God weren't so clearly your father? What did you do that we don't know about? :) )
Oh, wait. The reason why Jesus said that was because they were imposing the death penalty on him as, my brother-in-law Kumy says, he was doing tree pose on the cross. (Maybe Jesus' ego didn't even feel the persecution at all.) I want to remember why they put they imposed the death penalty on Jesus again... hmmm... Because he was a Jew, yeah? And the Romans didn't like it? What was Pontius Pilate's point? Say that five times fast.
Did Jesus come to Earth to fall in love with humans and humanity, to tell his dad/the creative force we were worthy of forgiveness? It's such an interesting story, that God gave us free will and then maybe was disappointed when we didn't follow the rules. (I think many people would argue the creative force wants us to be as creative as possible, so long as we're not too taxing on the system?) Some people believe in some of the rules more than the others. I guess that's what people fight about, and maybe I take issue with some rules, too.
But I hope we all agree that it's precious to be a part of it, my dear Spinoza.
It's so lucky to have the chance. And Liz says it goes on even after we die. So this essence of us, that has the good fortune to fall in love with you, and brussel sprouts, and even an inspiring philosopher or poet or teacher along the way--this is something sacred, part of it, and yet unique in its particular combination of energies.
Holy buckets of snow (much easier to see than all those snowflakes blizzing through the air). There is good fortune. And if I need to be forgiven, I'm supposed to know that Jesus and God will forgive me. And me, too.
So Happy Birthday... and global warming or not, thanks for giving me a chance to have Christmas all to myself. Hope to see you next year (and sooner, maybe even Sunday)
What kind of associations am I supposed to be making today? The snow is coming down, and the world is very white, with a smattering of orange leaves and brown trunks.
It is peaceful. It is peaceful to be a being all by herself, with or without the Internet, with or without a dog. That's kind of the surprise of the day.
Last night I felt like there was no room for me and my dog at any inns or family members' homes. It was okay. I made do with more than a manger. I had heat. I had three wise friends over the phone.
I want to remember what Jesus was trying to do... I think he was trying to uplift, to tell us that we'd have life everlasting... I don't think he mentioned hell (didn't the Puritan priest, Jonathan Edwards, come up with that--sinners in the hands of an angry God?) I have a feeling Jesus wasn't trying to start religious wars. He wasn't trying to torment people for not believing in his divinity. I'm sure he wanted us to remember ours. His last words, I believe were: "Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they do." ... (But, I'm wondering, do you really think we don't know what we're doing, Jesus? I mean right or wrong, we know what we're doing. If you want to live in a duality anyway. Maybe we're just not making excuses for being ourselves. I mean what would you have done if God weren't so clearly your father? What did you do that we don't know about? :) )
Oh, wait. The reason why Jesus said that was because they were imposing the death penalty on him as, my brother-in-law Kumy says, he was doing tree pose on the cross. (Maybe Jesus' ego didn't even feel the persecution at all.) I want to remember why they put they imposed the death penalty on Jesus again... hmmm... Because he was a Jew, yeah? And the Romans didn't like it? What was Pontius Pilate's point? Say that five times fast.
Did Jesus come to Earth to fall in love with humans and humanity, to tell his dad/the creative force we were worthy of forgiveness? It's such an interesting story, that God gave us free will and then maybe was disappointed when we didn't follow the rules. (I think many people would argue the creative force wants us to be as creative as possible, so long as we're not too taxing on the system?) Some people believe in some of the rules more than the others. I guess that's what people fight about, and maybe I take issue with some rules, too.
But I hope we all agree that it's precious to be a part of it, my dear Spinoza.
It's so lucky to have the chance. And Liz says it goes on even after we die. So this essence of us, that has the good fortune to fall in love with you, and brussel sprouts, and even an inspiring philosopher or poet or teacher along the way--this is something sacred, part of it, and yet unique in its particular combination of energies.
Holy buckets of snow (much easier to see than all those snowflakes blizzing through the air). There is good fortune. And if I need to be forgiven, I'm supposed to know that Jesus and God will forgive me. And me, too.
So Happy Birthday... and global warming or not, thanks for giving me a chance to have Christmas all to myself. Hope to see you next year (and sooner, maybe even Sunday)
Sunday, December 13, 2009
What If
What if our religion was each other
If our practice was our life
If prayer, our words
What if the temple was the earth
If forests were our church
If holy water--the rivers, lakes, and oceans
What if meditation was our
relationships
If the Teacher was life
If wisdom was self-knowledge
If love was the center of our being
-Munay Radtke
If our practice was our life
If prayer, our words
What if the temple was the earth
If forests were our church
If holy water--the rivers, lakes, and oceans
What if meditation was our
relationships
If the Teacher was life
If wisdom was self-knowledge
If love was the center of our being
-Munay Radtke
the dog park
have you ever eaten a pine tree?
actually stuck your mouth around a pine
needle, covered with snow?
if you haven't, you might need to reconsider
lately, have you walked through a drift of snow
and had a siberian husky tunnel in front of you with her nose?
i've been reading essays about how words can fail
to convey experience
and realize maybe we've just got to live our own
but have you seen two saint bernards
in their russet, thick fur
come up to a husky
and seem to say, you may be the more direct descendant
of the wolf
but the humans had a better idea with us
the husky runs away
bearing her teeth
saying i got these from the wolf
and now i'm on my way
when's the last time
you've eaten snow?
if there's snow outside
and you haven't had a bite today
you might
be making a mistake.
i crossed paths a couple times
with a woman with three dogs
one was a tan beagle
with a bark bigger than his bite
and i wondered why she didn't try to
calm my environment and shut him up
she had accepted her circumstances
gabbing away on the phone
telling someone she thought that
was the best thing they should do
but i'm wondering:
really, have you eaten snow?
there's something healing,
deeper than water
or ice
a man just walked by with a cowboy hat
carrying a round case saying something
about a cowboy
and i want to tell you
it's all spiritual
so was the man with the beard
who could be a santa claus
but looked like he spent more time
on a motorcyle
and today he had a german shepherd pup
who he can count on spending at least
12 years with
what a policy
a dog represents
and that pine needle
with its snow for today
and those drops of honey
you put in your tea
and the cheese-flavored chex-mix
and the papers you need to grade
and those lips you dreamed of kissing today
especially after you ate the snow.
actually stuck your mouth around a pine
needle, covered with snow?
if you haven't, you might need to reconsider
lately, have you walked through a drift of snow
and had a siberian husky tunnel in front of you with her nose?
i've been reading essays about how words can fail
to convey experience
and realize maybe we've just got to live our own
but have you seen two saint bernards
in their russet, thick fur
come up to a husky
and seem to say, you may be the more direct descendant
of the wolf
but the humans had a better idea with us
the husky runs away
bearing her teeth
saying i got these from the wolf
and now i'm on my way
when's the last time
you've eaten snow?
if there's snow outside
and you haven't had a bite today
you might
be making a mistake.
i crossed paths a couple times
with a woman with three dogs
one was a tan beagle
with a bark bigger than his bite
and i wondered why she didn't try to
calm my environment and shut him up
she had accepted her circumstances
gabbing away on the phone
telling someone she thought that
was the best thing they should do
but i'm wondering:
really, have you eaten snow?
there's something healing,
deeper than water
or ice
a man just walked by with a cowboy hat
carrying a round case saying something
about a cowboy
and i want to tell you
it's all spiritual
so was the man with the beard
who could be a santa claus
but looked like he spent more time
on a motorcyle
and today he had a german shepherd pup
who he can count on spending at least
12 years with
what a policy
a dog represents
and that pine needle
with its snow for today
and those drops of honey
you put in your tea
and the cheese-flavored chex-mix
and the papers you need to grade
and those lips you dreamed of kissing today
especially after you ate the snow.
the thing about poetry
the thing about poetry
or words that don't go all the way across
the page
but try to be more contained
is that it helps you make better choices
you see how in a few words
rather than racing thoughts
trying to claim
chapters of your life
you can shape your vision
you can represent yourself
look at it
and think
how would i like to better represent
experience
not just on the page
but in life
you can sort of
reshape your eyes
to make sure
you're looking at the trees
that you're listening to the om
song
you realize more acutely
maybe
your om song
i'm from omaha
i've actually never lived there
i'm from bellevue
but i've driven in omaha
and hung out there
and had family there
enough to feel like i'm from there
and then i've lived in lincoln for 8 years
it has been this funny place
in my head a lot
where it's just me a lot
figuring out life
while living my 20's here
and now it's the 30's
and somehow i set up some gigs
so that this little place
that has trees, too
and some restaurants
feels kind of like home
and this apartment
where i've been since halloween
is nice
i've lived here for about 10 years
and 2 days
or words that don't go all the way across
the page
but try to be more contained
is that it helps you make better choices
you see how in a few words
rather than racing thoughts
trying to claim
chapters of your life
you can shape your vision
you can represent yourself
look at it
and think
how would i like to better represent
experience
not just on the page
but in life
you can sort of
reshape your eyes
to make sure
you're looking at the trees
that you're listening to the om
song
you realize more acutely
maybe
your om song
i'm from omaha
i've actually never lived there
i'm from bellevue
but i've driven in omaha
and hung out there
and had family there
enough to feel like i'm from there
and then i've lived in lincoln for 8 years
it has been this funny place
in my head a lot
where it's just me a lot
figuring out life
while living my 20's here
and now it's the 30's
and somehow i set up some gigs
so that this little place
that has trees, too
and some restaurants
feels kind of like home
and this apartment
where i've been since halloween
is nice
i've lived here for about 10 years
and 2 days
Sunday morning
Ever wake up
on a Sunday morning
at 6 or 7 am
and know who you want to talk to
know who you wish your arm could be around
that moment
and you want to talk to him?
You know he's in his own place
sick in a bed of sorts
and you want to drive over
but you finally have the sanity
to realize the best thing
is to let him sleep?
You get in your car anyway.
You look for light.
You go through Starbuck's
some kind of friendliness at this early hour
while you wait for them to turn your phone back on
now that you've made a payment
even Sunday mornings sometimes require payment
The girl on the other side of the Starbucks speaker
doesn't understand your language
you're trying to speak hers
going to the trouble of saying Grande
when you know that it's medium
you say you want hot tea
she doesn't understand
"you mean the most complicated drink ever that will cost
more than the two dollars you're holding?"
no, just tea, please
you mean... and eventually you tell her
they say they don't have it
you revise
she gets another woman on the line to make sure
she understands you
all this before 8am
and then you're proud
when a man gives you your change, and you're
not mad at anyone
you remembered yesterday that it feels better
when you let go
of all resentments.
you want to talk to that one person still
instead, you drive by the house you almost bought with him.
it's beautiful. you still wish you could live there.
you realize more clearly where he is, wherever he is
you think if you did live in this lovely house,
still for sale,
it would have Christmas lights up right now
you drive down that street to the east
the sun is still coming up, and canopied by trees
there is beauty
you see an elementary school with a sign saying
book fair and music concert
and you think is life too complicated, or am i
for me to think it would be fun to go here with my kid
for it to be that simple?
you want to call somebody
a friend on the east coast perhaps
where they're awake
but busy, even on a sunday morning, you're sure
you've finally thought of what to do, what you could do today
and you might walk in the woods later with your snowpants
and your dog
and you will definitely read/grade papers
and you will drink the tea
and you love all the music you play
and you play it again and again
so happy that you can make choices
that make you feel better
and you know that what he needs is to feel better
and you feel glad for him
that he has the freedom
of figuring out what will make him feel better
and you get a phone call
and you hope it's someone you love
you don't get it in time because your ringer is too quiet
but there's a message
from a random guy "from class"
who saw your message on facebook
that you'd lost your phone
and he did the same thing, and it's no problem
and you say thank you on the internet
and glimpse at his pictures
and see some ones where you think this guy is nice
and it's not an attraction thing
it's a human thing
and you're human
and you're glad about the humans
and you look forward to later in the day
when you do something nice for your dog
and your tea
and all the things you'd love to do
and you realize nothing is going to kill you
maybe you'll put up walls of fear
once in awhile
to get out and work through
and then you'll climb through them
to some place snow-covered or sun-strewn
and you'll be back on the beach again
and you'll see green again
and as dar williams says, you'll push on into that mystery
and it will push back
and there are worse things than that
and as for home, you're somewhere right now
you lucky dog
and there's no way this could have an end
because love doesn't
and life chooses us after all
dar says
and we choose back
on a Sunday morning
at 6 or 7 am
and know who you want to talk to
know who you wish your arm could be around
that moment
and you want to talk to him?
You know he's in his own place
sick in a bed of sorts
and you want to drive over
but you finally have the sanity
to realize the best thing
is to let him sleep?
You get in your car anyway.
You look for light.
You go through Starbuck's
some kind of friendliness at this early hour
while you wait for them to turn your phone back on
now that you've made a payment
even Sunday mornings sometimes require payment
The girl on the other side of the Starbucks speaker
doesn't understand your language
you're trying to speak hers
going to the trouble of saying Grande
when you know that it's medium
you say you want hot tea
she doesn't understand
"you mean the most complicated drink ever that will cost
more than the two dollars you're holding?"
no, just tea, please
you mean... and eventually you tell her
they say they don't have it
you revise
she gets another woman on the line to make sure
she understands you
all this before 8am
and then you're proud
when a man gives you your change, and you're
not mad at anyone
you remembered yesterday that it feels better
when you let go
of all resentments.
you want to talk to that one person still
instead, you drive by the house you almost bought with him.
it's beautiful. you still wish you could live there.
you realize more clearly where he is, wherever he is
you think if you did live in this lovely house,
still for sale,
it would have Christmas lights up right now
you drive down that street to the east
the sun is still coming up, and canopied by trees
there is beauty
you see an elementary school with a sign saying
book fair and music concert
and you think is life too complicated, or am i
for me to think it would be fun to go here with my kid
for it to be that simple?
you want to call somebody
a friend on the east coast perhaps
where they're awake
but busy, even on a sunday morning, you're sure
you've finally thought of what to do, what you could do today
and you might walk in the woods later with your snowpants
and your dog
and you will definitely read/grade papers
and you will drink the tea
and you love all the music you play
and you play it again and again
so happy that you can make choices
that make you feel better
and you know that what he needs is to feel better
and you feel glad for him
that he has the freedom
of figuring out what will make him feel better
and you get a phone call
and you hope it's someone you love
you don't get it in time because your ringer is too quiet
but there's a message
from a random guy "from class"
who saw your message on facebook
that you'd lost your phone
and he did the same thing, and it's no problem
and you say thank you on the internet
and glimpse at his pictures
and see some ones where you think this guy is nice
and it's not an attraction thing
it's a human thing
and you're human
and you're glad about the humans
and you look forward to later in the day
when you do something nice for your dog
and your tea
and all the things you'd love to do
and you realize nothing is going to kill you
maybe you'll put up walls of fear
once in awhile
to get out and work through
and then you'll climb through them
to some place snow-covered or sun-strewn
and you'll be back on the beach again
and you'll see green again
and as dar williams says, you'll push on into that mystery
and it will push back
and there are worse things than that
and as for home, you're somewhere right now
you lucky dog
and there's no way this could have an end
because love doesn't
and life chooses us after all
dar says
and we choose back
Sunday, December 6, 2009
The Balance of F
Future
Fuck
Freedom
French Fries
Frank
France
Franchise
Fat
Failure
Forward Bend
French
Fallen
Fantastic
Forgotten
Fa Jian
Fry-daddy
Frailty
Future
For now
Free
French
Fellatio
Fall down
Friends
Father
Fry-daddy
Fantastic
Forever
Foot down
Frankly
Forever
Forgotten
For now
Find me
Feeling
Frisky
For hope
For now
Find Freedom
Five Fingers
Five Femurs
Five Friends
Five
Fifty
Five-Fingered-Feet
don't fall down
Fuck
Freedom
French Fries
Frank
France
Franchise
Fat
Failure
Forward Bend
French
Fallen
Fantastic
Forgotten
Fa Jian
Fry-daddy
Frailty
Future
For now
Free
French
Fellatio
Fall down
Friends
Father
Fry-daddy
Fantastic
Forever
Foot down
Frankly
Forever
Forgotten
For now
Find me
Feeling
Frisky
For hope
For now
Find Freedom
Five Fingers
Five Femurs
Five Friends
Five
Fifty
Five-Fingered-Feet
don't fall down
Thursday, December 3, 2009
quotes
"We are never so confident as when judging other people. But to be ourselves is the true test of confidence."
Courage is leaving a part of who you were behind to find out who you are now, to become..."
-Heather Hunter
Courage is leaving a part of who you were behind to find out who you are now, to become..."
-Heather Hunter
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