center of my world

i went to omaha today to get my master's thesis back and ended up going to my dad's. i was hungry and forgot my wallet (because originally i was headed to my house to do laundry and then decided to be off to omaha instead). so i went to my dad's to raid his change and get a sandwich or something. but he was there (which i thought was good). and thus began an hour or so with my dad which i found rather psychologicaly pivotal. now that i'm back in lincoln, in my town, with a mexican mocha at the downtown mill, i can be chill again. but parent/child emotion/conflict is at least worth processing.

i don't even know where to start, so please don't expect something polished. it was good to see my dad. i asked him if he wanted to go out to eat and talk, but he'd eaten, so i looked in the fridge and saw nothing but a bunch of healthy choice things. then he realized he had some vegetable soup that he said was really good. i decided to give it a go, and he got up and started fretting. this is how it should go in the microwave. this is how it should sit on the table. not on the placemat, i might spill, those are for decoration, etc. i wanted to talk to my dad, but he kept talking. i listened, waiting my turn. eventually i realized he might not want to hear anything i wanted to say. we talked for awhile about marilyn's family reunion, how of course he's not going, that would be like me going to the berg's. we talked about how he'd like to talk to tom. then my dad started in on how august 3 is the anniversary of the john coleman story, 1964, etc. i told him it's lauren's birthday. it also came out that my dad was in a car accident last week but didn't tell me because he thought i had too much on my mind. he only told his assistant kristi. i was kind of nervous about my dad's driving. eventually i suggested we go talk on the couches.

so far i'm making this sound really boring, but mostly i do enjoy talking to my dad. i love him. finally, during a big transition for me, i got took the opportunity to try to talk about my life, and my dad too easily got confrontational. i tried to keep talking to him. i wanted to explain myself to him. i wanted to be understood. i wanted to be supported. when we would reference clint, we would both be looking at clint's place on the couch. our talk kind of went all over the place. i told my dad the messages i got from him about clint. he said that we never got along. then he asked why we even got married, building a case for such a string of mistakes. i told my dad why i married clint. i told him that i learned from the relationship and do not regret it. we agreed about some things about clint. but i was stressed. my dad kept finding fault.

then the subject changed to the present some. my career. where i will live. who i will love. yikes. at some points, my dad said why do you even talk to me? because we have a relationship, i thought. i didn't need my dad's validation or approval. i wanted him to understand. i wanted him to support me. i wished he were the kind of dad who would say "well, let's look at your options." or "what do you want?" or "what options do you see for yourself?" instead, he got into my string of "mistakes." going to california. not finishing law school. not being him.

when i told him i might move to california if things don't work out for me in lincoln by the end of the school year, he got all upset again. he doesn't want to "lose" me (this is kristi, his assistant's word for how my dad sees the idea of me going to california). he thinks i should move to omaha. right now, that's not what i want. but i am considering that by may, maybe i will decide going to teach in omaha is my best bet. my dad said he would help me buy a house. i told him i don't really want a house by myself. oh, isn't that dumb, he got across. don't i ever want to buy a house? not necessarily. not by myself. yes, you'll see the big houses of your brothers and sister... it was annoying. not once was my dad seeing me for me.

hmmm... i tried other tactics. did my dad think he and my mom would still be together if she were alive? he said no because of age. not money. he sees himself as financially impervious now, even though he filed bankruptcy at 65. he kept seeing things in terms of age and money. i get that those are factors in life. for a guy whose main currency in life is money and advice, i get where my dad is coming from. but it kept feeling like he was sucking the soul out of everything i was saying or feeling.

it came down to he really hopes i'm "established" before he dies. he hopes i find my niche. i told him it may be in english, psychology, or teaching. he nodded. said i've had so many "false starts." he doesn't get that the wesleyan job was always temporary. he doesn't get that i didn't want to be a lawyer. he doesn't get that it was hard to stay in california when every time i talked to him, he was mad at me, told me i was making a huge mistake and needed to come back to nebraska and go to law school until that felt like my only option emotionally, when things got tough.

i love my dad. he raised me by himself and i am grateful to him. i understand him. i try to teach him how to understand me, interact with me. my dad wonders why i married clint. the thing is that i thought conflict was normal. the only way to survive with my dad sometimes is to argue back. he is so intense and so opinionated. i thought clint's family was more stable. i wanted something like that. despite the fact that clint and i are different, i was glad to be loved by a man who i knew would never cheat on me and would always try and would love me. there is more to it than that. having things to talk about is important. having ways to talk that are emotionally fulfilling for both partners is important. i'd only had that with a gay man (and of course women). i thought conflict was inevitable. in some respects, i guess it is. i tried to take a spiritual path, learning about the dalai lama, religion, and doing yoga and all that. i think that helped. it didn't give clint and i more in common, though.

when i left, i hugged my dad and told him i love him. we had a more adult relationship. again, i didn't need his approval and validation. he told me i look good, by the way. he looked like he was about in tears. he looked like he felt like he'd lost his daughter. he had said something about how parents shouldn't expect someone to take care of. i said, "do you feel like you're taking care of me?" he said, "i mean the other way around." me taking care of him. the thing is, i would like to. i would like to stay in nebraska. i would like to visit my dad in the nursing home or be a part of his never having to go. i do love my family. i do want to stay here. but, i don't know. i don't know if a single life in lincoln is what i want long-term. i don't think a single life in omaha is what i want. i guess i could try. but my family members living there as married people with families and me being single does not seem like my cup of tea. my friends are in california (those that aren't in lincoln).

it comes down to the fact that i'm exploring my options in lincoln. it is kind of a hard place to get a job. i'm going to apply for a phd and for an ma in counseling and see what happens. i'll keep trying to get a job in lincoln public schools. i realize it's a bad time for the economy. i realize that if i would have taken the seward job, maybe i would have stayed with clint. maybe not.

i'll get the internet in my apartment on monday. that will help me look more at my options. it was sad today because i said the words to my dad "the reality is that people spend their time doing the work that they love and being with the people they love. the reality is that families usually only get together sporadically. i want to spend time with the people i love. i want to have fun with the people i love." not that i have to be going to parties, etc. this prompted my dad saying "you're going to get back into drugs?" like i'm a druggy. i told him i might smoke a little pot. he cringed.

my dad thinks i'm really floundering for 30. i don't feel like that. i feel like i've got a good mind, some good degrees and experiences, self and worldly knowledge, a good spiritual foundation... i feel like i've learned a lot about marriage and a lot about relationships. i understand where my dad is coming from. i wish i knew how to defuse his shouting, confrontation, and pointing out what he sees as all my mistakes. i wish i could teach him to be a teacher. i wish i could teach him to be a counselor. i wish i could teach him that i'm the best expert on my own happiness.

i know he's seen a lot of relationships. and he's been in two marriages. i know he needs to see me succeed, to feel like he did a good job. he kept saying "i don't understand why you haven't been hired in lincoln." i explained that to him. i explained how it took a nebraska supreme court justice's wife 7 years to be hired in lincoln. he said i sure wouldn't want to live in lincoln. i understand that. but, i have options here. the phd program, etc.

i feel like i'm going to be okay. i went to my dad's office after his house to pick up a check, i admit perhaps not sufficiently chagrined at my own spoiling. i told my dad's secretary kristi the low-down. she's very aware of how he takes things. she's very aware that i'm the center of his world, aside from his job and his writing. i guess i needed to be so primary for a long time. it's been part of my identity. but my dad could branch out. he has 5 other kids. he could learn their kids' names. he could get a girlfriend. he could tell me he trusts me to make decent decisions. he could tell me he wants me to be happy. maybe he will find his compassion. maybe i will somehow get established, find my niche, give my dad some security. there's always law school :)

ps. and while this blog about one important interaction with my dad is true, i also have to say he taught me a lot. he taught me to be persistent, to be curious, to be a good conversationalist, to have interests, to have a sense of humor, to be passionate, to love good movies and good books. he taught me to really enjoy going out to eat :) he taught me that history is important, to have opinions, to support them, to be independent. i guess he also taught me to stand up for myself. some of the stuff he taught me i feel like i had to un-learn to get along with people. i also know that i'm not responsible for my dad's happiness, and he's not responsible for mine. but, i wish we could all learn to be a bit more harmonious more consistently. i know we're not always going to be coming from the same place at the same time. time will tell.