future

future is uncertain right now. i'd like to say i'll stay with clint. i'd like to be happy with him. i love him love the stable love he provides. i'd like to be able to be a part of that stable life.

history shows our relationship to be very up and down. some might say because i have needs that this relationship doesn't fulfill. i'm sure i've been much harsher on clint than i needed to be or should have been. being harsh on anyone doesn't feel good. now people are perhaps justifiably being harsh on me. his parents were hoping i wouldn't come back, that i would be done with him so he could be done with me. i guess his friends were thinking the same thing. the consensus seems to be that i don't know what i want.

universe, let me try to put out there what i want. i want to be able to think. i want to be able to be creatively engaged. i want to feel like i'm growing. i want to feel i'm a positive person who is not hurting people. i want to appreciate others, particularly for their strengths. i want to be appreciated for my strengths. i want to be emotionally stable. i want to love really deeply.

if i could have those things, i think i'd also like to have a child. if i could find my internal holy grail, so to speak, i'd like to be able to offer that to others, particularly to one of my own.

but, if a baby doesn't happen, and if it does, i want good work. i want work where i feel fairly compensated, and by that i don't mean big numbers necessarily. i've wanted to teach english at the middle school or high school level, where i can engage young people in my favorite practices, help them to grow, and be paid in the process. that's a grail thing, too.

i also love yoga because it makes me feel so good inside and outside and feel like i can offer that to others. some people get annoyed with the yogi part of my nature because they feel that its positivity is unpractical. and that i expect others to be similarly positive when they're just trying to cope with going to work, taking care of their home, taking care of their relationships through rituals like meals, and i seem to be much more selfish than that. not that i wouldn't mind rituals like meals. i'd like them to be kind of lively and positive, though. that's how i like to be. i realize people don't always have something to say. i'd be comfortable with silence, i guess. i guess we're comfortable with silence when we're with people we....

tried to process some feelings and thoughts in this blog... getting a lot of flack from what's expected of me... getting a headache... no more to say now.