name

i changed my name on gmail and facebook and hotmail. first it felt good, then it hurt, then i felt like i could breathe better, now it still hurts, i also feel my body relaxing and like the pain is moving out more, like (thinking of the ascension of chakras), up my throat and things, like i will be able to speak about this, and i will be free again, and i will be okay, and this is all making my head feel a lot better, and the pain is relieving some, and i am so friggin' glad to be able to express myself, and last night i told aaron my name was heather hunter, that hunter was my last name again, and that felt really good because in many ways i don't feel that it can be berg anymore, and i was hardly ever very comfortable with that either, and i don't ever know if or when i'll change my name again, and i don't know when and if i'll make this name change formal and go to all of the institutions and tell them, tell the institutions of my changes of heart and changes of life as i seek to be mentally healthy and happy all over again. and yet it is a relief to admit all this. a lot is loosening up for me. and i wonder if marriage is a shackle. and i wonder if i can marry someone again. and i wonder if i can trust my feelings about wanting to marry someone, but marriage does take two people. and it takes two people every day trying to do what's best for themselves and each other. and i guess we ask for the wisdom to know the difference, for that kind of serenity.