unconditional love

just had two great yoga sessions, the first with liz, and we practiced nostril breathing, breathing from BOTH SIDES. that was useful. i told liz i'd like to take her out to dinner or lunch soon. she exclaimed (in her wise way) "Steak and lobster!" we didn't make any plans today.

terri was in the class with liz and i (and everyone else). she made the next class a continuation, and it also felt very tailored. based on what i've shared.

the hot yoga room is still not functioning. it hasn't been for about a week and a half. i miss it, but i'm having new experiences in new rooms. today we were in the south ballet room, which is chartreuse with lots of light. i met a really nice woman. she has her phd in speech pathology. we talked about "the diving bell and the butterfly." i'd seen the movie, she read the book. she is moving to cincinnatti with her family in three weeks. we talked about our work, how we both want to help people express. i really admired her. i had great respect for her.

i wish i could relay all of the wisdom of what terri said and did today. i know i appreciate it and internalized most of it.

it's interesting the ways in which in yoga, the way we talk about the body can also be applied to the mind, to the spirit, to life.

one thing i'm being re-taught is to use (my body, life) for balance but not to grab. we can't grab life. we use it for greater balance.

today we used the ballet bars. i was thinking about joseph campbell and how he says that every experience in our lives prepares us for the next ones. i remembered the ballet room in the house i grew up in. it was a room in the basement with a parquet floor and a ballet bar. my mom was not a serious dancer but was serious enough to want that. by the time i was about 7, my dad put a desk in that room. that was good because i really didn't know what to do in there. i quit taking ballet and tap when my mom died. it's hard for a single guy to work and get his kid to lessons, etc. understandable.

i remember being really fully engaged in that room. in the credenza behind the desk, i put my encyclopedias. i kind of tried to make the big lawyer's desk mine. i sat there and talked on the phone with friends. i would ask them about the most interesting people in their lives. my friend katie would tell me about her friend tanya. even though katie's dad was in prison for murder, tanya most fascinated us. she had had several abortions. poor tanya. tanya was also my dog's name. it was odd making sense of the world in such circumstances. but i would write rhyming poems about people when i got off the phone. i had no control over tanya. i didn't even know her. but i was katie's friend. i still am. she reads a lot of novels. she works in a science lab in omaha, microbiology like her mom. she still lives with her mom. another story... katie is about 33.

at the dance bar, a lot of this went through my head. i looked in the mirror and saw how tan i am right now. i felt like i did when i was 8, going to the pool every day diving after coins and things we would throw in the pool. i feel very similar to that 8-year-old right now. happy and unsure. flexible and not in control.

our ending meditation was about love. about unconditional love. about accepting love. it is hard to find. this made me tear up. and yet we also have to accept that we're not in charge of the dominoes. if someone takes one of the dominoes out, we just have to accept and love unconditionally.

terri was saying we have to be content. that is an aa-ism. perhaps a truism if terri is saying that, too. not every meal is going to be steak and lobster. maybe no meals may be. but we can accept the love that we are given. we can accept those gifts. we can love the world. we can love the simple love, too.

i smell chemicals. i'm not back at the pool. but there must be a cleaning project somewhere nearby. good for them.