new place

i have taken my second bath in my new place. it is looking like home without quite yet feeling like it... will get there...

beautiful image on my walk between new apartment and old: russian women in headscarves stoop to pick up scattered slices of white bread. why has someone thrown good bread on the ground, they seem to ask? one pokes a piece with her cane. i say hello in english. she says hello in english back. they are wearing skirts. they are poking bread.

fresh princess of bel-air

the new building is great. sun rises in the bedroom, sets in the kitchen, over the capitol. for lincoln, it's a pretty perfect pad. the tub is nice, too, though it's a bit tedious filling a tub with a shower head, but maybe something can be done about the plumbing. so nice to be a fish in a tub again. puts me right to sleep. enough of the books...

am loving my sunny new place with its beautiful woodwork and lots of windows. my friend alison reminds me that it's good to take cover before approaching storms... good thing i drive to a new work site every day? good thing cars can't get to bike paths? we'll see...

bliss

even with a bladder infection, i've got a sense of bliss. i hardly noticed even going to the clinic. i was kind of floating. things are really, really good. the peace of life and love. the peace of new promise. i feel silly even writing when i feel this good. like, well, it's time to go to law school... i don't need my creativity to save me... life is good... i don't need to get interested in random people... i've got what i need... i am really excited about my new apartment. enjoying cleaning it, imagining my vision for it. am grateful that kyle and clint are helping me move tomorrow. am grateful to maybe have a roommate... a home... food tastes much better to me today. at open harvest i sampled everything for sampling: heirloom tomatoes and cherry tomatoes with sesame goddess dressing (i bought them); camberbert cheese (i bought some); good bread; and a smattering of other good things... yum. i feel ready to read again... have some good books to read this semester, lots of interesting stuff to learn... i know i'm feeling settled when i can read, and i haven't felt that way in about 3 months... so it's good that i'll be able to read as the weather gets cooler, and i'm getting graded... wonder if a friend of mine will tell me what's up with renaissance art.... i love being a listener right now... i'm no kind of a writer when i feel kind of giddy/happy... thankfully joy castro's energy really inspires me to write as do the other people in that class... when i taught at scc using the natalie goldberg freewriting method, it worked well... i wrote some decent stuff, enjoyed hearing my students stuff... but in the grad writing workshop, it's writing energy on speed. so i'm glad i'll have that to look forward to on tuesdays... on mondays, i think i can handle the sort of staidness of the professor... she can't help having spent the last 7 years in a library in new york... :) she's interesting... she knows about how cultures/attitudes developed based on the conquests/explorations from 1492 on... i feel like i'm really learning about the world. my travels, though i had them, were also limited... i heard bits and pieces about history while i was there... but i really knew nothing going into traveling... now, i have some of the places in mind in terms of my memory... but it will be really cool to finally learn the history... i don't think i've ever been settled enough to want to learn history, but i do now. will be good to be relaxed enough to actually be able to do this reading. also really looking forward to having a bed that is not part of a furnished apartment. furnished apartments do in a pinch, but will be so good to have my own clean things. i don't think i've ever enjoyed cleaning this much. am i becoming a regular domestic? i even want to learn how to cook... like recipes look like interesting challenges :) i watched giada (de laurenta?) on the food channel while waiting at the bank. it was fun because it was me and three spanish speakers--two of them were a couple i worked with with in the prime time program a year ago, and we were really bonding over thinking that food looked good, trying to predict the names of the ingredients with the sound off. i thought it was an excellent language-learning opportunity. we look for authentic experiences in language-learning. while we watched her cook, the husband was like: what are those things called again, and i said i think they're artichokes. then he said they're really good with cream, that they used to do that at a restaurant where he worked, and i said, yeah, over chicken. and then we were trying to guess what kinds of cheese were being added to this pasta dish which looked so good with wilted spinach and cherry tomatoes, and then she put over it this sort of bread-crumb topping... anyways, my memory for recipes is still no good, but we'll see... i also like very simple eating... which is what i tend to do on my own. mostly i try not to just eat chips :) i try to hit more food groups generally. fruit is starting to taste really good to me again, which is a good sign. maybe even better than ever. wow, the cantaloupe today. my dad always loved cantaloupe. my dad has such a reservoir of happiness. he was glad when i called him tonight with signs indicating that i'm settling in lincoln.

new people and places

i just had the honor of meeting three new wonderful people. vi definitely takes on good tenants. just looked at two places and met the people currently living there... all lovely. i'm choosing to live in 509. it's a wonderful place, and the young guy, matt?, i think his name was, was very kind and is leaving me this cool piece of furniture in the kitchen and some beautiful curtains in very sunny bedroom. the living room is perfect and so is the dining room with a sort of wood-coffered ceiling. then there's a sunny closet/dressing room and a nice bathroom with a big clawfoot tub. it's a carpeted bathroom, but i can live. the kitchen is cute. it has a fire escape in the back and a view of the capital. i can keep my bike in the back. and the dining room has some built-in cabinets and closets. so i'm very happy to take that place.

but, alan came in to tell us that i might like the bathroom better in the next building. it doesn't have carpet and has blue and white tile. so vi and i went over and met the beautiful fung-li. her husband dave wasn't home yet, and she graciously showed us around their home. i loved the feel in there and quickly learned that they are buddhists by their decor. fung-li was very excited when i shared my interest in buddhism. she just got back from china and is selling some beautiful decorations. she said i should go to the temple/church place with her husband on sunday. by the time i left, she made dave and i happy by saying she will come, too. i guess she doesn't usually go... he's more into it than she is. their story was very interesting. dave came home after awhile, and vi took off, and i stayed and talked to them until they needed to take their cat to the vet. they are moving to madison on the 1st.

dave has been married three times. the first wife's name is heather. they are still friends. they have a daughter brianna together, who is 21, and i will meet her on sunday. his second wife's name is violet. his last name is fields. heather didn't take fields but violet did, so she remains violet fields, though he says she is more like poison ivy :) dave met fung-li online. he went to a chinalove site not to meet a wife but was just interested in correspondence. he has a great sense of humor and kept remarking with his dry sense of humor how lucky he was that fung-li fell in love with a fat hairy american :) they told me stories about where she's from in china. she still has a 17-year-old son there. she showed me pictures of him.

dave said his teacher will be very happy to meet me. he showed me some of his rituals and his certificate about having received the special precepts... not sure what all of that is... but i liked how he talked about being grateful to the buddha for being a wonderful teacher. it's a good way to think of things. we also talked about christianity and buddhism coming from hinduism but being a reform on it because of the caste system.

i can't believe i've had such a day. fung-li and i really liked each other, and we were both sad not to able to teach each other english/chinese in person. but the offer is there to visit her in madison or even to go to china someday. :) they have my email address, and hopefully i will see them on sunday.

i will move into the new place tomorrow or sunday... maybe finish up the move on monday. very excited about the new space and the promise of meeting more interesting people. thank you for today. :) brought so many pleasant and meaningful surprises. if ever i would say god's hand has been at work, giving god a name even more specific than the universe, it would be today.

right now

listening to once soundtrack.

have appointment with vi at 10am. looking to move into a building with the number 509. that was my childhood address. the apartment is number 3. that was my family's lucky number.

thank you universe. thank you whoever is helping me right now. thank you.

love

thanks to those of you who have loved me.

will try to get new apartment this weekend.

resources

it's interesting to think what are renewable resources. money is a renewable resource. what about love? water is in kind of short supply. but it rains. we're surrounded by oceans. is there enough food for everyone on the planet? is there enough organization to get food to everyone? is there enough kindness to make sure everyone gets it? oil is obviously not a renewable resource. i probably should drive less. i probably should get my bike.

my first erotic experience

I was 13, and we were not in Portland. I'd had curry before, but I had not yet been to the Pacific. We were not on silk sheets. We were on my dad's bed while he was at work. Craig was on out of school suspension, and I pretended to be sick so I could stay home, and he could come over. He walked about six miles to my house, on crutches. He had injured his leg wrestling with a guy at my birthday party a week before. I met him half-way and walked with him. We didn't see any starlings on the way. I would not have noticed them. I was thinking about how much I dug this guy, that I didn't care that he was technically my friend Tammy's boyfriend. She had quit talking to me that year in seventh grade. She was more popular than me, was more voluptuous and cool, and now I was headed to my house, on a school day, with her boyfriend on crutches. She'd taken a boyfriend of mine before. And despite this affair, which was on and off for 3 years as Craig went through juvenile detention, moved, and ran away from home to seek me out, Tammy and I mended our friendship. Things were over for good with Craig when I started seeing Clint, a better man and now my soon-to-be ex-husband. A year ago, I went to Tammy's wedding, her second.

I don't know what happened to Craig. I haven't seen him since I was 17 and don't want to. He joined the Army. Hopefully he's gotten rid of pictures of adolescent me that I never should have given him.

When I was 16, I lied to my dad and said I was going to the Mall of America with my friend and her mom. Instead, my friend and I took my five-speed Honda Prelude and drove to see Craig in Michigan. The journey was fun but the destination not worth it. We found Craig and his mom in a trailer home. He still had the pictures of me. We went to see the Lion King. He touched me inappropriately in the movie theater with my friend sitting beside me. I let him, but I didn't like him after that.

Stacy and I drove to the Mall of America. I went into debt for the first time, spending more than I had saved for the trip from my job at the movie theater. I got a speeding ticket in Iowa on my way home from Minnesota. I'd called my dad from Minnesota, and he deduced that I'd been in Michigan from our phone bill and a friend of mine who turned out to be loose-lipped under pressure. My dad wasn't mad at me. And he didn't pay much attention to the speeding ticket. We went to a driver's class together to get the points off our records. He'd gotten a speeding ticket, too, driving back from a research trip to Montana.

i remember my mother's...

i remember my mother's prickly legs. i was four and grazed my arm against that cactus leg as my feet floated across the soft orange fuzz of the 70's bathroom carpet. I barely remember my mother's voice. I haven't heard it in 26 years. But when I listened to it on a cassette tape writing my Master's thesis about her two years ago, I felt loved. She was standing above my crib cooing to me, her first daughter, the only child of her marriage to my father, the older man who she lured from a 20-year marriage and five children. The fact that I was born accidentally, three years into their marriage, because she'd forgotten to take birth control one night, meant that their union had purpose. In the depths of depression after her father died, my mother could not connect to her purpose. But I remember her legs, that she did not shave every day. I remember the sensation of being in the cool water of a pool with her. I remember her yellow bikini, her short, curly, dark brown hair. I remember the soft skin beneath the stubble. I remember her orange gum. I remember we had to run errands. I remember not understanding that word yet and going anyway. I remember that she would buy me a gift every time we would buy a gift for a birthday party. I remember I was jealous when we bought someone else a gift. I remember that my favorite foods were hot dogs, macaroni and cheese, and fish. I remember her introducing me to plums. I remember she didn't want me to eat Lucky Charms. I remember she took me to ballet lessons while she did aerobics in the next room. I remember she was proud of me at my tap and ballet recital. I remember walking across the blue carpeting at daycare on our way out. I remember my mother loved our dog Tanya. I remember that I would wake up in the morning and go to her bed, and Tanya would be snuggled on her side, and we would get Tanya to jump down so I could be in that space. I remember my mom ironed on butterflies to her bedspread. I remember she loved the way they looked. I remember that yellow was my mom's favorite color. I remember Christmases with my mom, Grandma, Grandpa, Kyle, and my dad. I remember they were rich and full. I remember getting a stuffed pig with little piglets that attached to the teets with velcro on their mouths. I remember it was my Grandpa's last Christmas and that I wore a country western outfit my Grandma gave me. I rode it on the rocking horse he gave me. I got Barbie horses for Christmas, a black one called Midnight and a yellow one called Dallas. I remember my Grandpa was bald, and he loved me. I remember my Grandma had short, white curly hair, and she loved me. She cooked wonderful Christmas dinners. She had been a cook in a school cafeteria.

I remember my mom's love for my brother Kyle. I remember going to see him in drug rehab, and on that occasion she let me have chocolate milk and Frosted Flakes. It was a first. We were happy when Kyle came home. We watched television together, and I exercised my baby teeth on his arm.

my father's hands

My father's hands were never young in my memory. But they held mine as we walked in the parking lot. My father's hands were never one color. They were ruddy with loads of blue veins. My father's hands were never holding my mom's in my memory. They were always holding mine. My father's hands typed on the typewriter faster than I could believe. I thought he had a secretary because he didn't know how to type. I was shocked when I learned he did. My father's fingers were never as crooked as they are now. They were never as beautiful as they are now. My father's hands have not held mine in a long time. I have felt them pat my back perhaps with a little too much slap, but I know they love me. My father's hands are not close to me now, like his voice is. My father uses his hands to pick up the phone. He uses them to drive his car, and I hope he can drive it safely. His hands did not pick up the phone when he recently was in a car accident. Instead, he was wringing them, worrying about my state of mind as I contemplated divorce, my lover.

My father uses his hands to protect me as he knows how. He wants to pick up the pages of my divorce from the fax machine to make sure I'm doing things in a way that will keep me safe, secure my best interests. Today my father's hands fingered a piece I wrote him for Father's Day. I have been so consumed since falling in love, out of marriage. He saw today that it was not long ago that I was consumed with love for him. My father's hands were never weak, even with IVs in them. He went through chemo recently and never used his hands to call anyone to complain. When we would talk, he would tell me about the amazing people he was meeting going through chemo, about how professional, kind, and full of expertise the medical staff at the Med Center is. My father's hands have been responsible for so many people. While perhaps he never used them to change a diaper, he used them for everything he knew how to do for us, from making money, to showing us passion with his engagement in history. My father's hands never shook like they did over my mom, taking flowers to her grave. My father's hands never met one another like they do over his daily prayers to her. My father's hands never held a body he loved like my mom's. My father's hands never wished for anything like they wish for the existence of a heaven where he can see my mom again. My father's hands are never so gentle as when he pets the cats I have given him. My father's hands are always dutiful as he changes the kitty litter, puts the checks in the mail when I need them.

My father's hands will rest whitely in a coffin some day, just as the hands of his parents rested. But his hands will never rest as they push me forward, to be my best, make him proud. My father's hands move my hand along as I write, the one true gift he always recognized and cherished of mine. My father's hands will never rest. They write, too. They preserve the world, they preserve history, they preserve my heart and my life.

where else do i put this?

i don't feel like talking to anyone about what just happened, but i process well through writing, by putting the thoughts and feelings outside of me in a tangible form. this is crappy stuff, so you may not bother reading it. it's not the end of the world. it's just uncomfortable. filling out divorce paperwork. revisiting a dynamic that caused a divorce. i was nice to clint when he came. told him to come up the fire escape. felt like myself. clint looked like himself mostly. his eyes looked good, clear. we hugged. we said this is sad. i wondered how long we would hug, what it would mean. i hugged him until i couldn't breathe. that didn't take long.

i got a phone call with a message while we were filling out the paperwork. i tried to call the person back. it gave me courage and focus. i filled out the paperwork. i will turn it in tomorrow. the back and forth between clint and i seems so arbitrary. one minute i feel he is completely unreasonable. i try to re-focus. more gets accomplished. over and over again i felt him to be so immature. it was hard to function. we did not function well together.

one second he apologized for yelling at me saturday. the next he starts yelling again. one second he won't let me speak, rolls his eyes, interrupts me. the next he's telling to spit out what i have to say. one second he says give me a timeline, how long do you need your stuff in the house? the next he is saying i'm packing up your stuff and putting it in the garage.

emotions are one thing, temporary. feelings are another. this is something i am learning. i wondered for a few minutes if i could be with him. then the drama begins, and i realize there is no way i can be attracted to and happy with this person, even if for a moment i feel his love and attraction for me and feel my love for him. it's not enough. respectful communication is imperative for health. respect for health is imperative for health. we got the paperwork filled out. i was drained of all motivation by the time he left. but i have written about this, and i will submit the papers. the wedding date was a day we got married. a day we weren't fighting. a day we wanted to love each other forever. a day we wanted to trust that we could. we were both perhaps immature and naive. it was never a fully functional relationship. we were just emotional together. caring together. attracted enough together. from the same geographic place and not much else place in common.

maybe it's tacky to write about a divorce. i go to class tonight at 6:30. it is 4:17. i wonder if i will like this class and want to take it. i'm going to apply for jobs. i'm going to turn in the divorce paperwork. i'm going to try to sort some more things. i'm going to hope... i don't feel entirely bad. i can write. there is clarity and space inside me. i am not in an unhappy box inside. i am in a process that leads to more freedom and less conflict. i don't have to deal with clint anymore. except for my stuff. i will learn to place less value on stuff. at one point clint said i can have the flat-screen tv. that made me happy. meaning it is. :)

meaninglessness

i'm thinking right now about meaning and how maybe there is no meaning at all. i hate to even say that. perhaps i'm in a bit of an existential funk and slight sadness. i feel mostly okay. but, everything is about culture. i went to my old house and felt at home. i saw my books. my bookcases. i guess the floors and walls didn't feel mine. the bed didn't feel mine. i feel kind of pathetically human. unsure. i got married. that was my life. i was she who was married. i was she who lived in that house. that was my house. i feel like i can think when i'm there. when i opened cupboards, i was delighted to see food that appetized me. i felt like i was home. i came back to my apartment. it feels okay here. everything is relative. everything is way entirely too relative.

i have no idea. i may apply for a position as acquisitions editor for the university of nebraska press. i have the right degrees. maybe not the right experience. i am scared. i am uncertain. i am coming back alive. i hope i have not made mistakes. isn't that nice to hope about? i'm not sure that anything is a good idea. they are ideas. but some feelings make me feel more alive. i imagine those are good feelings. especially when i feel like i haven't had them before. am i fooling myself about that? i start to change how i see the world, how i feel in the world. and then i wonder more about meaning, if it's there. my family doesn't represent a consistent sense of meaning to me. i like them. my friends are good. sometimes friendship is stressful, though.

liz said in yoga today that we may walk on someone else's path for a little bit, but we're on our own path. they emphasize freedom and happiness. mostly that sounds good to me. poignant. but then i wonder if i focused on that too much. can one focus on that too much? i was married. i had a home. i couldn't breathe anymore. i guess i didn't feel free. i guess i didn't feel happy. but i knew my environment. i go back there and want to stay. for awhile. and i don't. i feel like everything is arbitrary. i see clint has manwich. i decide to go to arby's. i have bananas. i don't want to blend them into a smoothie. none of this matters. the unitarian church had words that i identified with. some of them were simple words like summer and change. we can all identify with that. i fill is so many blanks for myself. i try not to draw blanks. i am supposed to be blank. i cannot be too blank. my bank ledger should not be blank. it almost is. this means i need to work. i wait to be called. i look for places to apply to. i wonder what i should do. i think of options. i think maybe i need to work 24/7. i know i need money. i know i don't have it. i know i have bills. i know i have wants. i don't know about needs. i feel them. but i don't know what to do with them. i hear people talk. i wonder why they do. i wonder if i should. words come out when i go through arby's. it is effortless. i wanted to be at arby's. maybe i should get a job there. that would be gross. grease grosses me out when i don't want it that very second.

i am typing on a computer. it feels real to me. my words and my voice feel real. i think this is maybe self-masturbatory. i don't know that i want to be human right now. it's not that i don't want to live. i don't know what to do. i like being in the country. i like rural landscapes. i want to go back to carroll, iowa. i wonder if i would need any friends. i met a dog. i met blonde children. they were cute. should i want them? no, i don't need them. it is all arbitrary. i'm not sure what to do. i put one foot in front of the other when i'm not sitting. when i'm sitting, i sit. am i actually learning something? is there anything to learn? don't do that. do this. do this. don't do that.

clint is coming by with divorce paperwork at 2:30. i hate divorce paperwork. it feels problematic. i want to say i'm sorry i'm divorcing you. i want to say i'm sorry i married you. i want to say can i come home? that feeling is less strong than others, but it is normal. normal is normal. normal is unknown. normal is abnormal. i don't know anything. i don't want knowledge. i don't believe it.

place and path

place and path
is no longer stable
we owe it more
than symbolic attention

where and how have we found, felt
new life this summer?
drawed upon our separate wellsprings
to find a flow
into renewed common course

all beginning times are fraught
with promise and anxiety
our fragile hope quivers

you have come to see
the worthfulness of life
as best unfolded
not in aloof solitude
not by nameless immersion in multitude
but in the stimulating and rewarding
encounter of spirit

prosperity

cindy just shared with me that one definition of prosperity is having what you need now. so if you have a place to live and food now, most of our anxiety is caused by whether we'll have our needs met in the future, but right now, we're okay. the other stuff will come. what we need will come.

funny talk

had a funny talk with my dad tonight. i can listen a lot better to what went down between he and my mom in light of my current situation. it's funny to me that he never felt too old to be my father. i guess he moved out of his home with marilyn after seeing my mom for two or three weeks. he went to a hotel room. then he got an apartment next to my mom's so he could have the independence of having his own bed once in awhile, but my mom couldn't sleep without him. people are so funny. i asked my dad if he thinks people should feel bad about breaking up marriages. he said no. he said, sure he felt guilty at first, but people get so tied up with being in love. he said they had a really good time together. life is funny. my dad also said he really likes john mccain because mccain went through the same thing. at 40, he started having affairs until he met cindy, who was like 23. mccain said after being a pow, he wanted to be 25 again. my dad really identified. i guess sometimes we get so stressed out or go without having our needs met for so long, that our one life issue kicks in.

my dad said i've really managed to screw up my life and listed 3 factors: 1) failing out of law school; 2) having a failed marriage 3) present situation. :) but then i said, yeah, but don't you think i have to follow my heart? he said, well, there's something to that, too. :) i said yeah, i mean am i supposed to be someone else? what else am i supposed to do? he needed to go eat dinner. life is funny. if nothing else. it's everything else, too. whatever. my dad says he's given up. finally. i've won :)

uncertainty

human experience is interesting. right now i feel like i'm experiencing like the vast majority of human experience all at once. thank god no one is dead.

i feel like i'm losing my semblance of a writer's voice. i want to say my calves are really sore right now for no known reason. i haven't been doing any major exercise. just did two yoga classes and still kind of sore... but it seemed to help my upper body.

i want to say all kinds of things but have no idea where to start... has been my m.o. lately... a few things about today... liz had us do this whirling dervish thing to re-balance us... temporarily, i felt re-balanced... actually i'm getting re-balanced... re-oriented... re-aligned... the whirling dervish thing was cool... we spin around (to the right because the northern hemisphere is aligned as such) while staring at our thumbs... i was really spinning... i hardly remember anything liz said, but she was funny, and that's what happened. during shivasana, i was crying. i was processing things... i was remembering how i went to a & h on the last day of school last year and then found myself there again today on the first day of school. i was like (for ca audience, or for ne, i would say i thought or i said) where did the summer go?

some of my friends have commented that they were depressed making the transition after being on vacation. i think i'm having trouble separating out my feelings lately. my sister says i'm mourning my relationship with clint. there's some of that going on. she says i may also be mourning another relationship. maybe so. during yoga today i also had a burst of clarity about my parents. like really, really understanding my mom completely in a whole new way. i was very, very grateful for that. like, wow, if only i'd had this understanding when i was struggling to write my master's thesis. but it did come. i could thank the universe for that.

and then on to uncertainty. i decided to stay for a second yoga class, and krista started by asking "is anyone else going through some big changes?" i laughed and said yeah, big... so she led a class trying to help with that... at the end, she said, i know we'll be moving in november, and that's about it. she didn't know what date and what city. but i couldn't help but to think later, yeah, but you know who your husband is. you know what kind of work you'll be doing. i felt like she really didn't have that much uncertainty... but it's all relative... as i was feeling temporarily sorry for myself about my level of uncertainty, a girl who is younger than me unexpectedly told me to have a great day. she had compassion. she had handed me the bottle to spray my mat earlier. i wondered if, when we're older than someone, if we're always really surprised by their gestures. intergenerational interactions are endlessly fascinating to me. beautiful actually. michael baker was talking to me about "his generation" during our interview on the radio last night. i didn't feel so unsure or removed from that as before... i wondered if we really had that many differences.

one thing i am noticing, though, is the mr. rogers effect. michael said that his generation had captain kangaroo, which i said was virtually the same as mr. rogers, but michael said that he didn't focus on self-esteem. this idea of self-esteem is interesting. especially because in yoga we are trying to cultivate self-love.

the only other thing i have to say right now is that in addition to self-love, or maybe as part of it, it is so nice to be able to give. i was honored when, walking down the hallway of lincoln high before school started today, a nervous girl asked me to help her open her locker. i was back in her shoes, my shoes, remembering, okay we turn it to the right, then to the left past the first number, then back to the right. i remembered being in junior high asking a teacher to help me with that, and her narrating it out loud like old hat like i did today. it was such a simple way to help someone. and later, i realized that girl in high school in many ways is dealing with uncertainty even bigger than mine. or maybe she doesn't feel that. maybe we are always dealing with uncertainty, always trying to be in the moment, always wishing we had a good plan.

bananas

afraid this blog is about to get pretty boring. when i'm really happy, maybe i don't need to blog so much. :) i've got a lot of bananas to eat. i hear they're good for leg cramps. had a nice day. :) school starts on thursday, of all days. it's a good one. next monday unl starts. i need to look at the books, see if i really want to take those classes. basically, all i have to say other than that things are going well is a to-do list, and that's very boring, and i don't feel like typing anymore. i feel like living.

still back

after a lot of excitement, i'm ready for some chillness. glad to be back. had a great day. flying into nebraska last night was really nice. after a plane ride assuring me that there are many opportunities in the world, should i need them, i felt ready to embrace my happiness to be home. i'm into the idea of letting time go by a little more slowly right now. i've got big things to take care of in increments... divorce papers... learning about the house... starting back to subbing... maybe taking a couple classes....

sfo plans lay on the mantle like pretty potential decoration.

but i'm glad to be back where i can fully breathe and be.

went to yoga today. felt so happy upon entering i hardly needed it. but still, good be back to things. good to share the happiness and also to feel it as my own. looking forward to time with some patience.

back in lincoln

here i am. don't know for how long. but i like being back in my apartment. and lincoln for now. james taylor and i are hanging out right now. last night it was lionel ritchie. it was great to land in omaha and to drive back singing loudly to the radio. needed to come home for some good reason(s). we'll see.

this apartment will be cleaner in the next few hours. many errands to run. things to do. glad to be back in the hot midwest.

being a sweet, open midwesterner in sfo is fun

i just had a full day, and it's only 4:10pm. awoke to zulaika clanging awake in the kitchen, tried to get a few more z's in cindy's bed, and then finally all nebraska chics in sfo sorority house were awake. cindy and i went off to an intense yoga class where i did things i normally don't do. i'm getting the head stand down. i was practicing at russian river and did it on the beach, and now it's coming much more naturally. we went to yoga tree in the castro, which is the very gay part of town, like this is gay world. what are you doing being straight? it was a good experience. there were 70 people there. the next class was 100. the predominant message was "love yourself" (rather than waiting for some dude to love you or whatever).

then i was supposed to meet my socal friends at the moma: shakeh, amy, and monique. but since i lost my phone, i've been trying to coordinate with cindy's phone. cindy and i took a cab down there, but then cindy couldn't get in until 4pm because tickets were sold out. and while a ticket had been purchased for me, i couldn't get in without my friends. so... i went to a concert in a park and danced to some african music and made myself at home in the community. i walked around. i went to an atm. i got a cab back to cindy's after walking around the lobby and gift shops of the moma for like an hour, looking at art books and expensive inspiring baby things, feeling good after yoga.

we went to see the new woody allen flick, which was good but hit a little close to home for my comfort. woody is so wise. it was a great comeback after matchpoint. zulaika was utterly delighted by that.

back from russian river

i got some pictures of thursday in san francisco uploaded on my facebook page. i was tired, but i think the pictures turned out pretty well. still need to get a digital camera. i lost my phone at russian river (and sprint is sending a new one in the mail), but other than that, things are going well. i'm back at cindy's about to take a much-needed nap. but russian river was really wonderful. the fact that amy has assembled such wonderful people in her life is not surprising but is still really friggin' amazing. reminds me why moving to san francisco is a good idea, even though it's not the only idea floating around in my mind. though it seems the most promising, perhaps. i guess there's always renewing my passport...

we had a symbolic fire on amy's birthday night. amy and i sent our 20's up to the universe. there are other ways to let go than in flames, but i think for she and i it felt appropriate. not for our relationship but for others.

so, i am in cindy's apartment trying to get my head on after being with so many people. i went on a several hour hike in the redwoods today. didn't mean to be gone so long, but i was carried away with really enjoying being there, and i'm glad i did it. nature is good. so is activity.

i am wondering if i could live in cindy's place for awhile if i did move here. living with friends is not always a good idea. it's kind of nice to have some independence of mood and living situation. so maybe i would get a studio. these seemed like easy decisions to make based on the fact that i love the place and the people. but they are also very big steps. signing a lease would be a big step, a much bigger commitment in san francisco than in lincoln. also thought about doing a yoga training in september. the instructor, ana forest, has been on my radar since march, and it would be really therapeutic and intense.

so i'm going to take a nap now. i don't have to decide anything today. i have two more days in san francisco. i'm so glad i extended my ticket. i needed this time.

bloggin

i discovered today that if i don't blog i can kind of get overwhelmed by a need for expressing creative energy. the australian guitar players are here, and they get me kind of hyper as we listen to music and watch the olympics, and i dance to the beat while narrating the emotions of the female gymnast olympians and their true life stories. for example, they were so emotionless that i felt sure that they were actually in prison, or marching their way into a prison, and they hoped to keep their colorful suits for when they got out of prison, and they were to keep expressionless, and if they were disapproved of, their masters would shout: "hey you, get back to the bars." tonight i think my ramblings are inspired by like 3 cocktails and some really awesome food that i didn't cook, but i contributed to conversation all day. we had baby scallops with sausage and black beans and really yummy food, all kinds of food, and awesome brownies for dessert, and of course i'm still asking what was really in those brownies. i think people are talking a lot, and it's fun. it's really fun narrating and responding to the olympics. the australian is saying "now that's really difficult. the difficulty factor." imagine that being said in australian. makes me want to move to australia. i have basically never found an australian man that i'm not attracted to. pretty much the same is true for belgian men. and definitely for olympic swimmers, except for that one small guy, but still, he's cute all the same. i swear the olympics has become the michael phelps show. at first i like to think he was my boyfriend, but then i saw enough of his mug and his mom's face. i mean i'm happy for them. but enough of michael phelps. i know he's not the only guy to go to china, and it raises all sorts of questions, like how many heavy medals is one guy allowed to get? isn't there a limit? shouldn't he be on his way to mccdonald's by now?

we are listening to some instrumental journey music. it's got a rather up-beat, and it is questing in a positive, non-hesitant way. i want to find a man like this music. are you out there? soon i will be living in the bay area, so if you're out there, take note of this blog entry because i've been warned by married australians that a good man is rather hard to come by in san francisco. but, they say, everyone who they knew who was single did end up with someone in san francisco eventually. maybe you'll have to lower your standards a bit, one said, but it's like dude, where are you starting from? do i need to move to another country?

i'm mostly b-s-ing here because clearly there are hot men out there. i just need to go to the olympics. i feel like michael phelps and i are almost on a first-name basis. i'd say michael. he'd say heather. i'd say i saw you swim, and i really like it when you stretch your back because you have a really nice back. the back stretches are my favorite." and he'd say, "why thank you, heather. i didn't think anyone saw me do that. really, i felt rather unnoticed at the olympics, so it means a lot to me that you would point that out. so, what time do you want me to come over tonight?" and then i'd say something sweet and deal-clenching, and well, i'm tired of michael phelps is actually the problem.

hmmm. well, california is beautiful. aw, here is a more complicated beat. something more resonantly up and down and wow, i wish i knew more words to describe music. but mary says that i type really fast, so i'm thinking i'm almost playing my own instruments with these words, my own music. can you hear any beat to this music? it' s not really poetry, but it's fun capturing words that accompany the beat of my mind as i listen to music and have a social experience. it's fun narrating the contents of my spirit at the present moment. today i canoed with three of my best friends and most positive people i know on the planet. each time i hang with these ladies i am brought to an ultimatley higher state of happiness, and then i'm like, man, i thought i peaked a long time ago. i forgot how much being around you guys makes me happy. but this is a vacation, and so far we have no plans to go live in the exact same place but moving to california does bring me a lot closer to almost basically every female friend i have my age.

the music is pulsing, and the girl gets ready to attack the bar and go into a state of flow again. she twirls around, does a hand stand, fips, flies, spins, flies, can't even process the quickness of her changes in movement, the music is peaking more, which is nice, and she keeps going, and type faster, wishing i could capture words about what she's doing, but she twirls, and flips.

she claps her hands, actaully really happy with her performance, and she is hugged, kissed, and embraced by many people, and we know we would like to be on her team. even russia congatulates this girl and kisses her. she must be the sweetest most athletic, talented girl on the planet. her rival is uncomfortable. she does not look very happy with herself and life in general. she looks sad, the poor girl. she is showing emotion, not on her way to prison. and this girl is way too thin looking, but the measure of peace and concentration on some of their faces is astounding.

redwood walk

off to the woods! everyone, you can plan on visiting me in california in the future! or we can meet up in nebraska. or we can go somewhere else together. colorado is always wonderful. and there are still so many foreign countries to get to know! i love warm places. so much in california to explore!

el futuro

despite my cravings of staying here and not dealing with going home, i do return on sunday. i will arrive late and drive back to my apartment. i will be on michael baker's radio show on wednesday night.

russian river has been much busier emotionally for me than i expected, partially because of this damn internet connection which it seems i have difficulty staying away from.

last night we celebrated amy's birthday with a lot of laughter and fun. talked to zulaika a lot on the phone. am grateful for my friendships here.

as for lincoln, i have many mixed feelings. it is the place that i have made home and where i've found a lot of peace. now that my marriage is over, it is a place where i could have a lot of solitude i guess. i could be in an english phd or starting law school in a year. i could keep going to yoga and learning a lot about that. i could read a lot of books in the winter and stay around to substitute teach, sort through the process with clint, etc. slowly. honestly, i am afraid of more pain. but in some respects, i may not have all the choices i desire. i don't know.

moving to the bay area sounds good in many respects. i wonder if i could find lasting peace here, away from my family. the thing is that it is not so fun being a part of my family in person as a young single person. it feels like i'm supposed to go off and discover something for myself rather than be single and in nebraska. i know there are other men in nebraska. and while i do love the peace of the place, i'm afraid of the loneliness and of feeling that i'm not building relationships that will serve me in the future. which is why moving to the bay area sooner than later sounds like a good thing. zulaika just did it. she is one of my greatest supports. and i could get combinations of jobs. this is also really where the yoga community is at. and there's the ocean. and it's beautiful. and i love these russian river friends very much. and in many respects it seems kind of easy to meet people here. we'll see. i do love speaking spanish, too, and there seem to be more opportunities to do that here. i know zulaika is not big on roommates, but i'm wondering if maybe we could live together.

solitary romantic

the solitary part of my nature is revealing itself right now listening to the cranberries in the house alone for a few minutes. could be down at the river with the lovely amy, monique, and leah. could be walking to town with nancy and darcy. instead back expressing myself to myself pretty much. being a bit romantic and longing, yet also having a very relaxing time. i probably couldn't have spent the last 4 days in more beautiful environments. i try to appreciate these moments despite the romantic questions i entertain. it's really nice to be looking at the outside world, loving some women, learning about their lives as i ponder the differing possibilities for my own. i love, though, when i'm able to engage in education talk, where my interests in psychology and social justice and loving people and loving expression and language converges. it's exciting. it's just wonderful to be around these people right now. there aren't really men here. menraj and tim, amanda's husband, were here the first night, but now it's all ladies, and i think the only man coming up is quintin, maybe with his girlfriend.

excited to see some friends i haven't seen forever who will are making their way up now from more southern california. now some bjork graces the airwaves.

i've missed wanting to write. but it came right back up as soon as i knew i had internet access. technology and the way it connects us is truly amazing. i'm feeling good. some soaring inside. this song has a really oceanic sound to me with light percussion. you haven't seen elephants, kings, or ... what about china? have you seen the great wall? all walls are great if the roof doesn't fall. this is a funny soaring song.

missing my friend at home.

russian river

i'm so relaxed and content that i don't have much to write. but things are going well. stood inside a redwood today. back to the currently nicely low-key party. some george michael playing, maybe i'll have a drink, some good food, enjoying watching the girls' gymnastics in the olympics with some women.

news flash

i think maybe i won't come home. but i have a lot of things there. hmm. i could get a job teaching something, subbing here. i could maybe find a place. cancel my apartment. let clint do what he wants with the house. confront the consequences. don't worry about employment in lincoln. don't worry about anything else ever again. if someone wants to visit me here, you know where i am.

endurance

if i'd run track, i should have been a sprinter. my one season cross country ambitions were completely out of place. granted, i did manage to kind of run for 5 miles eventually. but what was i thinking? i just took off on a bunch of sprints on the san francisco hills. like a bat. out of hell. people were looking at me like what the hell. i liked to think i was jackie joyner kersey for a minute, even though i follow nothing athletic.

honestly, i'd like to sit this one out. i'm losing interest as to how this race will turn out, and i feel like i don't even want to see it. i'd rather sit on the sidelines of my own life right now, reading a book. and that very much sounds like a victim thing of me to say.

if i had my druthers, i would not go back to lincoln. i really don't want to. i don't want to deal with anything there. yoga was my refuge. maybe nature was, too. now it all feels suffocating. everything feels suffocating. hopefully russian river won't. korea does not sound suffocating. i'd like to disappear into an asian culture and be quiet and teach english to children and maybe some adults and talk about such simple things like walking, to walk. my phone is ringing, and i have no desire to answer it, though i like/love the person very much. no more dealing.

i will ride up to rr with nancy, and i can talk to this introspective friend of mine if need be, though i'd rather listen to music. i'd rather give them all a hug and take off down the river and cry.. this is too much emotion for this blog. i ran and tried not to feel anything except velocity, but it doesn't go away.. i would like to feel nothing but movement. i would like to avoid feeling too much. i would really like to avoid it. i would like to go back to what? the ocean. virginia woolf? scc? i would like to go forward to korea, one year from now, with zulaika, when she's had enough of this city, and i've had enough of my mess. i'd like to teach english internationally and be quiet and meet people when i want to and read when i want to for the rest of my life and forget about retirement entirely. i would like never to take another step into a career maze again. i would like never to take another step into a love maze again. there's just really no reason. i can love myself all by myself. i don't need a teddy bear or a bed or a tree. a hammock and a book and my breath would be just fine. i don't need a dress or a dvd. well, a dvd would be nice. but i could watch dubbed over karate kid in a foreign country for the rest of my life. i cannot wait until february when i will to cedar falls and show up at that teacher's fair and never think the words law school and other words and lincoln again. i will call clint once in awhile, see if he met anyone on the softball team, if he finally gets to have that baby he deserves but i can't have. maybe i am actually infertile, and this is all for the reason of saving me from any more disappointment. i can just love those korean children and teach them english and watch them have fun and love them and take walks. that's all i want right now. not this beautiful city. not beautiful love. only escape and escape and escape and escape and some fast sprints requiring no more endurance because i just don't have it. a foreign language. a foreign place. foreign food. no more expectations of anything conventionally fulfilling ever again at all. maybe zulaika will come and visit. i will pay off my student loans. and i will absolutely be free from it all, and you can find me in postcards and maybe once in awhile on the internet, and that's all i need. i have enough memories. i have enough love. i have enough pain. i have years ahead of me, so many perhaps, too many perhaps, and i just want to go away.

i need to deal with paperwork and renew my passport. those are my only true needs.

me oh my

san francisco is a feast for the senses.

just spent the day walking around. walked through golden gate park to the ocean. went down to the bay. saw the golden gate bridge. walked through the beautiful presidio. went to the de young, an art museum. saw the chuley exhibit, which was almost too much of a feast for the eyes and senses and yet was so, so perfect. i took pictures all day. i bought some cheap disposal cameras in a grocery store along with some sushi and some raspberries.

after the art museum, i was really doing some deep processing. thinking and feeling about the nature of attachment. clint and i really enjoyed chahuley together. we watched a public television program on chahuley, and felt like we really connected, our inner artists, over that experience. i hoped i would have the chance to show him these pictures.

the nature of attachment is interesting and is something i'm exploring with my therapist. in addition to teaching us things, people in our lives also help us to feel certain ways, and we get attached to these feelings. we get so attached to the feelings, we get attached to the people. i don't know what the healthy response to other people should be. i know that i just had a really full day without hardly speaking more than two sentences to anyone but cindy. there are so many sights and people to see in san francisco. you really get to decide in any one minute what you will pay attention to. people are constantly sending signals to each other. you kind of have to be careful about what kind of signals you send, what you notice. mostly, i was taking pictures of nature and art and really feeling these things. it was so nice and peaceful. so nice. i really loved being by the water. but then you can only do that for so long. i think i walked for like 6 hours today. my feet are tired. but it was so good. it was odd to think i don't spend every day like this. but nice to remember that when i have the time, i could.

it's good to be at peace with the fact that i'm in some kind of transition, and that i'm headed toward some sort of wholer place. i will have learned a lot about attachment. i will have learned a lot about relationships. this whole idea of being highly interested rather than attached is interesting. it's not very western, but it seems like it really could be healthier.

also, though, it is interesting to note my shifting identity. i'm not a different person. but the fact that i'm "separated" rather than living in a world where i definitely always expect to be married to clint is interesting. it's such a shift in perception. it's also painful. with attachment, it's interesting to note where the pain is coming from. some experiences allay the pain, wherever the pain is coming from. but also the whole process of growth is illuminating. like what kind of a person do i want to be? what kind of life do i want to have? i remain the same person, and yet i try to honor other needs, while not wanting to be selfish. but then in the end you only have yourself. it's just weird because in a way it's like why would anyone ever leave a relationship? and yet most of us never think we'd stay living with a parent all our lives. i guess some people do. i just never thought i'd exactly be in this place. the kind of unpredictable nature of life is interesting. it just makes for new experiences altogether, and of course we try to surrender expectations altogether, too. and yet there are these experiences we thought we would have. and then we come to realize that everything depends on the circumstances, and we're really not in control of all the variables at all. we do what we can. we participate in change. we partipicate in growth. and we hope for as much peace as possible. serenity now... without being just a walking mantra. what fun would that be? maybe it would be great. i have no idea. that's something i have little attachment to at the moment. bye.

freedom

it's good to remember you can do whatever you want to do. every day. we make a living. other than that, we're completely free.

soother

the soothers of the day have been jack johnson, cindy, and clint.

i should give a daily shout-out to my soothers. wow.

thanks, jack, for sticking by my side. so this is what it is to be single. you feel (i do) everything a lot more. or maybe that's just where i am right now. which is i need time. time is my friend right now, as unpredictable as it is. indeed. someone hand me a horoscope. i think i'm starting to write some interesting things. maybe i will turn this into a novel, amy. for my dissertation in creative writing. oh, yeah, i forgot, i was really going to write novels for a living, whatever it took. i should still do that. i think i'm in a better position to do that than to have a baby. you're supposed to know for sure who is going to be the man in your life before you have a baby, right? you're supposed to know what the hell you're going to do before you have a baby. figuring out what you're going to do, what it's going to take, that's more important than having the baby. pass the contraception everyone. not that i actually need it myself. but really, we all should be taking our time. i mean, we're 30 (some of us), and we're still learning about our sign, just beginning to recognize the attributes of other signs, experiment with those guys and their signs a little. there are still all of these uber-compatible signs we haven't even met you. but, how are we going to meet them? are we going to stick around small towns where met we love can't make up their minds or can't, well, they can't what they can't. maybe they just can't. and maybe we just can't. but i don't think it's that. usually. i guess compatibility/possibility is complicated for us all. i mean what do we expect? do we expect that we will expect the same things, want the same things, be able to get what we need out of life from the same place, even if we do want each other. what about meeting each others' needs? if that happens, maybe we wouldn't even care about the place where we are. is it possible to meet another person's needs? obviously, not all of them. but, wow, mean, if someone can meet needs in us that we've never had them met before, doesn't that make us a new person? if these are pretty crucial needs to be met, then don't we owe it to ourselves to try to grow with this person who meets these new needs for us? i mean, especially if they are needs that we can't so easily just do for ourself. like, i can take guitar lessons. but i can't live with and love two men at the same time. if i were going to do something so huge, it would be with one man, living with him and loving him. i would want to dedicate myself, especially if this were someone i really wanted to love. if i really wanted to love someone, and i knew that i could, i don't see why i'd stop at anything for that. i mean, if i really wanted to love them. maybe i would be afraid to. it is so weird to act on fear, though, i think, rather than need. aren't we more alive and healthier if we are acting on need and love rather than fear and guilt? i think we should be able to sort such a calculus. this should definitely be within our abilities to act on behalf of ourselves and others, to achieve the greatest love, to help others achieve the greatest love, that we can during the short time that we're here on earth to share it. how do we want to share it? what do we need? what can we accomplish in a certain? who can we dream with and mean it? who can we dream with and appreciate it? accomplish it? savor it? what do we want to savor? what do we need to savor? what are our greatest needs? how long will it take us to figure this out?

man oh man

this is kind of like an ultimately really personal blog entry and ultimately something i really need to be writing right now.

i don't know what to say for myself. in some ways, i want to say i'm human. in some ways i want to say that i'm just a whole bunch of things a horoscope of me might suggest: a dreamer, prefers to stay in the spiritual realm, a wanderer, someone who loves a lot, someone who doesn't like the 9-5 all that much... they also say i can find happiness in my own backyard. and that i need a lot of love. so who would want to love such a person as me? capable of a lot of love but really doesn't know what she wants. hmmm.

a few months ago, i wanted to write a book in response to eat, pray, love, something like that she had it all wrong, that traveling is nice but there's really something to finding happiness within yourself in a stable home with a loving partner.

but then impressionable me (and i'm not being totally self-critical here, just trying to process what i can gather) talks to her friends and keeps thinking of all the things that still appeal to her: california, hawaii, costa rica, the ocean. the east/west horoscope says i'm a seahorse, this makes sense :) i look at traveling teaching ideas. they sound really nice compared to substitute teaching, though that's traveling teaching in its own right. i think about traveling and writing books, and how wonderful it would be if i had a partner for that. that seems like a really, really nice life.

but then i own a home and have a really devoted, gentle, caring husband who has tried to pursue goals together while i continue to go off into never-never land. and then i exercise independence and want to go on bike rides and want to go to yoga and want someone to go with me, and want friends, and am lonely. i find a really great friend. and then all the cards are tossed right up in the air. who knows what will be with that. who knows what will be with this.

so back to impressionable me. i went to yoga yesterday, which i'm really not into these days as i'm hardly into anything except for feeling emotionally exhausted lately. but i decide this is my work for the day. exercise and writing have been my work for the day over the summer, that and messing with my life. for better or worse. i've had to really look at things.

anyways, so at yoga liz kept saying heather, you can do this, giving me a more challenging move, and then she made a joke that i like to be tortured, and then i wondered if she was also referring to my emotional state and realized tortured is a pretty accurate word. i woke up at 6am and felt tortured about what i'm doing. i went home. clint let me be there. whether or not that will happen in the future, i don't know. i'm going to california tomorrow. i'm not scared about that. i'm kind of scared about everything else. my love life. my future. my choices. my options. my place in the world. small things, really. vamos a ver. we will see.

i will freely admit

that astrology could be complete bull altogether. but sometimes, sometimes, it really does seem true. some of it really does seem true. hmm, i'm enjoying writing write now. and yet i actually feel like i have not much to write. hmm. interesting dynamics i have going on here. not that you can see them. but, boy, howdy, they are interesting. foolish perhaps, too. what a fool one is to fool themselves and everybody else (yeah, right, are you fooled?)

i don't know. words like elated, bliss, wonderful, dream-like. well, they have their place.

readings

in this present moment, this pisces horse is enjoying re-establishing her essence in her new place comforted by the presence of kyla and some readings putting her in touch with her essence in an atmosphere of increasing positive energy. i have always adored seahorses and never knew that according to the east/west zodiac, i am a seahorse! (in oceanography in college, i made a website on seahorses). i do love the water, and if i go south, i'm considering costa rica, being near the ocean. i do love the ocean.

A horse born under the Sign of Pisces is impressionable and something of a dreamer. The Pisces Horse is a sensitive soul who is unusually reactive to the atmosphere of his or her environment. Thus, this horse objects to inconsiderate treatment, rough handling, harshness and aggressive behavior...all of which will undoubtedly have a damaging effect on this animal's inherently peaceful nature. This is a horse who enjoys tranquility and calm...one who fails to cope well with a hectic and rushed routine. If the Pisces Horse can be stabled adjacent to a large body of water, which serves to protect the animal from negative energy, then this will be of great benefit. In addition, to ensure and enhance this horse's emotional well-being, he or she must be given the opportunity for regular escape into a dozing dream world. The Pisces Horse loves to socialize...in his or her own quiet and calm way...with other kind natured horses of similar character. This horse harbors an intense desire to belong...whether that be to a herd or to an owner. Indeed, the Pisces Horse is prone to depend upon others for his or her personal security. In short, it will be necessary to establish a strong sense of self within this horse courtesy of lavish love and tenderness. In return, the owner will receive an abundance of devotion and unselfish effort. The imagination of the Pisces Horse must be engaged in order to reap the best results, since this is a soul who adores to dream. Playing soothing music while this horse is being groomed or massaged is ideal, and riding to music is often enjoyed by the Pisces Horse. Time must be taken by way of interesting activities and a plethora of tender loving care with this placid horse in order to win over his or her deep affection...and the Pisces Horse truly desires to idealise his or her owner in the mind and heart. Since the Sign of Pisces traditionally rules the feet, an owner must be vigilant to problems affecting the hooves, heels, posterns and coronets.

Pisces("I believe," Water, Jupiter/Neptune, Mutable)/
Horse("I demand," Positive Fire, Yang)

The apparent peacefulness of this combination of Fish and Horse
is but a fine shell surrounding a highly fragile and
spiritual nature.  Pisces/Horse people are both
clairvoyant and humanistic.They give of themselves without
expecting more than a pat on the head in return.  In this double
sigh, the Horse's ordinarily selfish push for autonomy is quieted. 
Pisces keeps the Horse's dander down, teaches him to be
self-effacing, and shows him the wonders of clairvoyance.

The average Pisces/Horse is far too nice.  Many of the pleasant
aspects of Pisces (creativity, compatibility and understanding)
are heightened by the Horse's peppy style.  Pisces/Horses
sometimes sacrifice too much of their own time, forgetting to take
enough for themselves.  They tend to be reserved, and prefer
popularity over self-determination.  If Pisces/Horses can be
protected by a strong and worthy person who wants to see them
achieve their goals, Pisces/Horses can really go places in the
world.  Their indubitable specialness and rare gifts need only
find a safe path that leads them out of the darkness.  Then,
these people can earn high honors in the world.

This talented Pisces person is born with the equine traits of
dexterity and brilliance.  He can be persuasive and extremely
popular.  He can even learn from his Horse side to be ruthless
and pragmatic.  But sometimes the Pisces shrugs off these
potential tools of success, preferring anonymity to fame.  The
road to notoriety or even private in his or her chosen field seems
to the thin-skinned Pisces too long and uncomfortable. 
Pisces/Horse has a singular handicap in being able to see beyond
now.  The moment he's living in fades in light of the glaring
future. Pisces/Horse can foretell rough spots and preview the
snags.  So he often gives up before he begins. Life and all of its
wild peregrinations seems almost futile to the Pisces/Horse. 
People and their intricately tangled lives make him want to giggle
and poke fun.  As he observes the degree to which some humans take
themselves seriously, this ephemeral seahorse is tickled.  He
wonders to himself, "Can't they see how silly they look? Aren't
they aware of ridicule? Why are those people so upset? It's only
life, after all."

It's natural for Horse people to be a bit rebellious.  When you add
Pisces, who meanders, and Horse, who may at any moment bolt, you
might come up with a pleasure-seeking bohemian who's looking for
nothing more than a place to sleep under the stars for the night.
Should this devil-may-care attitude dominate the Pisces/Horse's
personality, he or she can become a victim, resigned and
uncomplaining.  There is not a whole lot of combativeness in
Pisces/Horses. They may flare up for a little while when they're
young, affecting revolution and playing hotshot.  But by age twenty
these characters are mostly either engaged in practicing their
skills for eventual profit or they are off "finding themselves"
in Kathmandu.  The Pisces/Horse must find a passion early and
follow it for a lifetime.

Love

The Pisces/Horse serves love well.  He or she has the capacity
for bottomless devotion.  The Pisces/Horse knows how to
minister to others, and sincerely cares whether or not you take
that aspirin for your headache.  He or she is a bit on the shy side
and will probably not be a demonstrative lover.  If he or she has
chosen you, you can count on being admired as well as adored.
If you are a lover of this worshipful type, you must never take
advantage of his or her kindness.

The Pisces/Horse will idolize you.  He or she can be counted on
for loyalty and fair play.  Your job is to draw this timid soul
out of his or her cocoon with imaginative and generous foreplay.
The Pisces/Horse needs seduction, moonlight, flowers and candles
on the table, please.  We'll buy the food next time.

Compatibilities

You're off and running with Cancer, Libra, Scorpio and
Capricorn/Tigers.  Those are healthy and loving matches.
Taurus, Scorpio and Capricorn/Dogs love you to pieces as well.
And you'll get on swimmingly with Taurus or Capricorn/Goats.
You are not apt to enjoy the favors of Rats---especially
Gemini, Sagittarius or Virgo/Rats.  Monkeys born in Sagittarius
or Gemini will not give you a fair shake.  Stay clear of them.

oh my

i feel like lately i've had a whole lot of flow (well, with writing anyway) and very little know. but am trying to get my peace back even without my stability. i did try to cultivate so much flexibility. but flexibility without stability can feel wobbly and out of balance.

this is kind of like kyla, who is visiting me right now and has her body half in the apartment and half out the door. she exemplifies me right now! the poor girl had a hard time getting up the steps of the fire escape. all of those holes were not very good for her toes. but she made it. and she likes the fresh air. she and i are getting more comfortable here.

it was weird/good to go home and see the cats and clint. the whole you don't know what you've got until it's gone thing. i felt like an after school special where the dad who left comes home and wants his life back, and the wife still has feelings for him but has her boundaries. the dad's bachelor pad is not very comfortable. he looks in the frig to see if there's better offerings at home. at first he feels like he's snooping. then he feels like it's his frig. he doesn't know. he doesn't know what's his anymore. he's seeing for the first time that nothing is really his except for himself, and he certainly doesn't know what to do with that. he wonders if he did the right thing leaving. it starts to give him a headache, which he never gets. his wife has her boundaries. he tries to get her to go along with the word separation instead of divorce. she doesn't know. he doesn't know. no one knows. they know to move slow.

he knows he's learned something though. like when his wife tells him to leave her alone, he knows he's not supposed to try to charm her. she really wants to be left alone, even if she has some involuntary physical response to him. part of her wants him. but part of him and the way he affects her makes her sick. he gets the boundaries feeling. he wonders how many times he missed that before. he feels boundaries in himself, though. is not sure what to do with himself. he goes back to the apartment. he takes the dog. he thinks he's so glad this isn't happening with kids. it's easier not to go back home. it seems like it should be easier to go home. it seems like everything should be easier. it seems like nothing should ever be taken for granted. he remembers all the times he was happy. he remembers all the things he enjoyed. he wonders why he ever complained. he wonders why he ever took touching her for granted. nuzzling her is all he wants to do now, and for the first time, she's really shaking her head. she really means it. this really hurts her. he doesn't want to hurt her. he never wanted to hurt her. he says maybe we're not a good match. she shakes her head. he wishes they were a good match. he wishes he were simple and sweet and didn't expect anything but that. then they could be happy. they could get on with things. he could use that paternal loving part of him he knows he has. she could use her maternal part. he knows they can have tenderness together, if they could get over the pain of the conflict. he wants this back. in some part of himself. and yet he feels all the boundaries. the boundaries they tried to overcome until they were sick. until they were not serene. until they were not happy. until they had to get that all for themselves and didn't know if they'd ever have it for each other again. he goes back to his apartment. wonders what the future holds. is glad for another being with him. he is grateful for the dog.

fire escape

dear reader. you do not need to keep up with this blog. it is mostly for my own sanity.

after some good therapizing and acceptance with ann, i went out my kitchen door, down the fire escape, and to the capitol, where i went round and round running and walking, appreciating the rain drops, the grey sky, and so many people to say hi to whether the word came out my mouth or not. it's funny how with our moods and changes our relationship to the world is constantly shifting. in many ways i often find it constantly improving, when i'm listening to the momentum of my feelings. the momentum of feelings is cool.

kind of like a storm. a release. a shower. the day after a hot day, where i lied down in the capitol grass, with my cell phone and zulaika on my ear and the big blue sky above. it was nice to share with zulaika. maybe i wouldn't have done that all by myself. either way, it was good. we can choose the good, the better, and feel no guilt about the momentum of our feelings.

in praise of folly

In In Praise of Folly, the Renaissance humanist Erasmus says that is precisely in their foolishness that people can become friends and intimates:

"For that the greatest part of mankind are fools, ... and friendship, you know, is seldom made but amongst equals."

omg

someone named heather really needs to chill on the writing. time to chill. in general. for the general good of everyone in society. mostly for the general good of her self.

interesting

particularly interesting to me is the idea of being a certified married teaching team. and the fact that getting hired over 60 can be difficult. but not impossible i'm sure. very, very interesting. hmmm.

University of Northern Iowa Overseas Placement Service for Educators

UNI is one of the oldest of the organizations that hold international recruiting fairs. They held their first fair in 1976. UNI is one of the smaller organizations that recruit international teachers, but as they are university-based, they are an excellent resource for American teachers.

They have an extensive website that is filled with information including the history of overseas teaching (according to the website, it all began in 1888 with the establishment of an American school in Mexico).

In order to attend the Iowa fair you need to be a certified teacher. While their website notes that most schools want teachers with at least two years of experience, 65% of the new teachers who attended the last UNI fair received international teaching positions. One of the key traits that schools look for in new teachers is flexibility and a strong academic background. New teachers who hold teaching credentials in a high demand area such as high school math or science have a good chance of getting an overseas position.

UNI conducted a survey of recruiters about what qualities they looked for in teachers and this is what you should have if you want to succeed in the overseas teaching field:

• Flexibility
• Resilience
• Adaptability
• Sense of Humor
• Risk taker
• Creativity
• Team Player
• Love of teaching and young people
• A complete command of your subject area and teaching methodologies
• Strong organizational skills
• A commitment to professional development and communication skills

The University of Northern Iowa holds its recruitment fair each February and has served over 23,000 educators in the past thirty years. It is a non-profit, university-based organization. Each year over 120 schools attend the fair looking for teachers.

In order to attend a fair you need to register with UNI. This involves ordering a registration packet which you can do from UNI’s website. After you receive your packet, you can begin the registration process online. Once you have completed this step and received confirmation that you are registered you can access your personal portal, a list of schools registered for the fair, vacancies for the coming academic year, the UNI Overseas Placement Matters Newsletter, and additional resources.

Candidates who are single with no dependents or part of a certified married teaching team have the best chances of landing jobs at the fairs. Over 95% of UNI successful candidates met this profile. UNI also notes that due to visa restrictions, many schools cannot hire teachers over the age of 60. They request that if you are over 60, you contact them before begin the registration process.

Good luck with the job hunting.

the title of my next entry is:

more options than stock. maybe someday i'll have more stock than options. hmm. options sound better to this 30-year-old. depending on the stock. maybe even depending on the market, but whatever, it fluctuates.

monday night

well, these past couple of months, or really this past month in particular, has been an interesting journey. i've connected with a lot of friends. i've disconnected from some un-positive feelings. not that i never have those anymore. but things are different. my future remains uncertain in some respects. but if it didn't, would i be bored? i wouldn't like to think so. i feel like i've grown up a lot in the past month while also re-exhibiting some behaviors that in the past perhaps i viewed as immature, and now i view them more as positively human. it's interesting because in a long-term relationship in which i experienced a lot of dissatisfaction while also trying to become a more mature person in a relationship dealing with my slow progression into a career, at times i engaged in behaviors and thought processes which, as a newly single person with more space to be accountable for my actions, i now view as very immature. but then again, maybe that's not true at all. maybe i was just being myself all along and defending my needs. maybe that's not bad at all. maybe i should have moderated the presentation of my ideas (or more likely just given clint space instead of arguing), but eventually i moderated that. after it had all been said and done in many respects. but anyways, it did prepare me to live better in other relationships. and to end that one respectfully, too, i think, if that's what has just happened. it's funny because marriage is held up in society as the ultimate mature activity. it's an ongoing relationship that is given so much respect and authority. if you don't stick with this person, people are going to judge you. so actually we try to act very mature. we try to have a loving relationship with this person every day, try to have new conversations, keep it fresh, hope we don't change too much, or if we do, hope we still really like our partner. the sagest thing my dad has ever said (but really, he's said lots of them as do all of us) is that we make the biggest decisions in our lives when we're the least mature. it's funny because re-hearing that comment right now in a space where i'm not feeling very defensive, i do hear that as true. my argument all along, though, and many people would go along with this, is that we have to make our own decisions to learn and thus maybe the grown-ups who think they did everything right will call them mistakes. for us, those of us still growing, we look at our choices as part of our identity. and certainly our identity is not a mistake. but identity is interesting. we think it's ever-changing, that we're growing. growing is even interesting. i love the new age words and concepts. i don't want to be a slave to biology. that's about aging and only that. we would rather think growing. we'd rather think of ourselves as spirits going toward enlightenment. of course we prefer that to just decay and death. you could say it's all perception. you could also say it's about attitude. some people say you're gonna die and get old, and that's it. you better pick one person and stay with them because you DON'T want to die alone. isn't that interesting? when we could die at any moment? some people stay in situations where they're unhappy. or at least they think they're unhappy. maybe they're just unhappy about time. maybe they're just unhappy that they're "aging," definitely coming closer toward death. when we're young, we take account of the fun we're having. when people get older, maybe they take more account of the fun they're not having. or at least think they're not having. but they're still them. is it really that awful? that's how i felt about the law when i was in law school. like this definitely isn't going to make me happy. this does nothing for my emotions. this is all conflict. it was also all perception. i mean conflict is a part of life, but does it have to be so painful? really, being a lawyer, perhaps, is not as painful as actually trying to do a lot of living. interesting, huh? if you were a lawyer, you'd have a stable job where you had challenging projects, and people would respect you for these projects. some lawyers deal with the label "winner" or "loser." it can seem like a competitive world. in the world of spirit often times we think we want to get away from the competitive world. but does anyone ever get away from competition? we're always competing with ourselves for survival inside. the biggest question about survival really is am i happy? darwin didn't think of that i bet. who did? freud? no. hmm. interesting question for a dissertation. when did the actual friggin' QUESTION am i happy come up? we could find this out in literature. well, right away i think i could narrow it down to the 1900's or something when actually it just comes from spirituality. and i guess from the earliest creatures, too. they were like: am i fed? am i sheltered? am i loved? that was their answer to happy. but actually back to the am i loved question? wow, where did we get this idea of love anyway? i should read the bible's answers. anyways, that's what we've come to expect. another interesting question is whether love has always been experienced the same by all cultures. i mean, is it just because of adam and eve that we're monogomous? i know i'm not the first one to address these questions at all, but in my apartment alone, i'm having a fun time having this conversation with myself. which brings me to a new point. are we evolving to the point where we don't need love in the same way? i mean, we work most of the time. the place for love now exists in small pockets. actually it probably always did since we've always hunted to survive. i'm not pretending at this moment to try to engage you, so if this is going all over the place, sorry, but it's actually me i'm engaging in this moment. interesting. that conversation is about engaging ourselves, kind of almost like an intellectual masturbation. wow, conversation can really be like sex. maybe some people get off really quick and like to do it the same every time, go straight in for the kill (or release), like, honey, i can't wait until we retire. we all do this. i can't wait to go to puerto rico. what's puerto rico gonna be like? i can't wait until we see batman this weekend (bad choice as i hated that movie). let's say something more interesting like, oh, encounters at the end of the world playing at the ross soon. interestingly enough, the conversation and its masturbatory effects end up having to do with whether or not they're going where we want to go. wait, you don't want to do what i want to do. you didn't appreciate that? it wasn't good enough? i'm not good enough? do you think i'm fat? do you think i don't bring home enough money? do you think i'm fun? do you think i'm boring? would you like to have that for dinner? wow, couples are so masturbatory. i'm not saying it's all bad. i'm very familiar with the good feelings. but right now i'm feeling like what is attraction? obviously, i'm in my usual frame which is asking incessant questions trying to understand the world. if only i'd leave college. i think i'd keep asking questions. maybe i could have been an okay lawyer. i'm starting to conclude that. i'm starting to conclude that it wasn't all bad maybe (maybe?) going to be a lawyer. where i was going with that earlier had to do with well, is it really all bad? i mean it gave anxiety in law school having to learn all these things that i thought were really boring and unemotionally engaging. maybe if you knew that going into law school, it wouldn't be all bad. i noticed the people with kids in law school actually seemed the happiest. they had a reason to focus, like a huge reason, but they also had a way to have fun. i've just decided that a great way to do life is to it in this order: after college --1) do what you want. do anything you want. everything. use your money to travel, go to concerts, get drunk with your friends, be with who you want to be with, live in some nice cities, experience things, don't worry. be happy. just find work. maybe find work that you can somehow rationalize would relate to any future goal. or better yet. future goals can wait. have fun. have good conversations, though, when you can. you went to college. thinking (and i'd say writing) will really help you figure out what questions you want to ask. then 2) (if this were my life i was planning backward, and maybe it is), well, i would say keep having fun until you find a partner who you think these things about: 1) they're fun, 2) they're hot, 3) they're smart, 4) they're nice (not in any particular order, mind you), 5) i guess they have a good sense of humor, like you find things they say funny, 6) most of all, i just mean someone you're attracted to who you like to talk to, basic stuff. some people would also say check your sexual compatibility. maybe part of the package if you like to talk, and you find each other hot, 7) um, where was i going with this? well, if you can find someone you really like, you could stay with them as long as it was good (this is some sort of ideal world, not the one i lived in). 8) i don't know about marriage. that is just a protection for having babies. maybe it's a good protection. if you're going to get that "protection," though, make sure it's with someone you're going to keep liking. maybe this is really hard to know when you're young. i mean ultimately the idea is to become the coolest, happiest you, and then find someone who matches. the cool part is up in the air. but maybe figure out what you really like to do.

okay, 9). if you've had a ton of fun and found someone who you like and are attracted to, and you have fun in the same ways, you may be ready for step 10). my dad always said step 10 was law school (only actually he called it step 1). i would say step 10 could be law school if you'd had a lot of fun and found someone you really liked. well, i'm messing up a bit because actually if this were my life i were planning backwards, i'd go ahead and marry the guy and hope he had a good job. this is the part where a good job comes in. but, you could also both be in school. really, if you're going to law school, especially if you have scholarships, and it's kind of cheap for a law school, you could have student loans. i would have the kid now. maybe get the baby a little grown before law school. so maybe i'm getting ahead of myself instead of planning behind. hmm. this could still be my life i'm planning. several variables to that. but, well, can you plan a perfect life? i think that's been my question all along, and perhaps it was always way too much a question which meant that i never lived this at all because i wasn't social enough having fun because i was always trying to plan the perfect life. but it's a catch 22. i mean what does it mean to be social? to go to good concerts, get together with friends, go to the beach if you're on the coast, have wine, eat good food, exercise, work. we have so many activities. some people expect constant talking because that defines them as ultimately social. and i guess to be ultimately social we would be in the moment with positive, fun energy all the time. sounds like a lot kind of, huh? i mean i guess we could be this in-motion positive character who is constantly positively interacting about positive things from music to a project to a new clothing line to dinner. and this person makes enough money. hmm. anyways, in this conversation with my own head i digress a lot. i wish i were looking at a human face who would interrupt me. wow, this is how people live sometimes. it's like they talk and wait for someone to talk back. that's not masturbation. that's interaction. that's what we seek. but sometimes like me right now people want to talk out loud more than they want to interact. i mean i wouldn't mind someone sitting here right now and saying everything i say is brilliant. that would feel good. they might even interject or question me. does this make me a professor? one might worry they would run out of things to say, or maybe they would get so good at what they say (like a teacher, too) that they have a consistent list of responses or things to evaluate and explore. part of me worries sometimes that if i think too deeply i'll figure everything out and then i won't get to intellectually masturbate anymore. oh no. but then i'd read an article or the paper and see what's new. it's just weird because i'm newly single and know not my future and whether i'll have a partner to live with which is our protection against loneliness even though sometimes of course we'll feel lonely with them, too, and maybe even we'll feel out of touch with our feelings. i don't think i'll feel out of touch with my feelings. but maybe my feeling is that i'm afraid to. well, how would i feel if i quit having things to talk about? i think that's something people face. they have kids to feel and to watch and to feel that they're living on, maybe they'll even send their kids on adventures that they can't or don't think they can have because they're working, and so they work so they can try to watch someone have a better life than they had, so they can try to give someone a better life than they had. i guess that sounds really altruistic, and yet people get pleasure out of that because they're helping someone they love and helped to grow. i guess that's good. when they can be a good parent they feel ultimately like a really good human being because they really had to be a nice and sacrificing person to give this kid a good life. if they give the kid a good life anyway. but the more you try to accomplish this big human task of having a kid, the more your life becomes totally about other people. on the one hand having your life be about other people seems like a good thing. i mean that's not lonely, i guess. you get to eat meals together, watch tv, read stories, listen to music, dance, plant a garden, clean, cook. all the family things. they're not bad things. go to adventureland. go camping. go horseback-riding. of course all of this gets expensive. in a way it's like socializing. you spend money so you can do fun things with people. only now these people are like really yours, and you support them totally, and you try to teach them how to make good decisions and have fun in healthy ways. it's all so much. i almost feel like who in the world would decide to become a parent, and yet for many months i was trying to do this. in some ways, this can all get overwhelming. like, i'm making my life about other people. but what have these people done for me lately? wow. it can be so easy to get/feel selfish. what have i gotten to do for me lately? i will read articles about taking 10 minutes a day for yourself, for self-care. and i kind of feel like oh my god. i've gotten really used to doing everything i want to do, so long as i'm not really going into debt to do it. i try not to hurt people unless i have to save myself. that's an interesting paradox, too. wow, my chakras are really open now, and i'm really in touch with my voice. in some moments i'd call it divine energy, but then that's kind of a bullshit statement too because hitler knew how to write. was he channeling divine energy?

i guess we are all philosophers, and we're all sages. we all figure out our own answers. i, perhaps, like too much to verbalize this process. but it's so fun. and when i do it like this, i feel at the end, like where i'm getting now because i'm finally running out of breath if you can believe it (maybe that's the problem; yoga helps me breathe TOO much so i kind of can really keep going with my internal dialogue. yes, if only i could channel this into a novel. actually, that was supposed to be the point of this summer. i have books on writing and novel writing and things, and i finally wanted to read them and get started but then i started this blog and have gotten caught up in my internal dialogue masturbation and what it's then brought into my life, and while my writing is fragmented in terms of my thoughts/topics going all around, i do feel like i've learned some ...

wow, that was a really long conversation i had with myself. it was happily interrupted by an even longer conversation with my friend liz, liz from college, not yoga. that was great. wow. i love talking to my friends. i feel like i learn so much about myself. liz said my thinking about law school was like me thinking about getting a sex change. it shouldn't happen. it's not me. we arrived at some options: i'm going to go to the iowa international teacher career fair to see if i want to teach in a foreign country. and/or i'm going to apply for a phd in english in creative writing since it seems i'm good at that even though all i mainly do at this point is blog, but i'm sure i could channel myself into something more creatively coherent somehow. so those are my choices. keep subbing and taking classes until then. i'd also become a yoga guru like ana forrest, but i'm just never going to be that into it, i don't think. it takes a former dancer to get that serious, and that i'm not. so yeah. i know what i like. liz said i'd like costa rica. i've got to do life as people say. that's such a weird phrase for me. i guess i'm trying to keep grounded in myself while dipping all my various long, thin fingers into all the cookie jars i'm interested in, seeing which doors open, and which doors close and seeing what cookies (or fruit, if i'm trying to be healthy) i'm left eating. sounds fun.