meaninglessness

i'm thinking right now about meaning and how maybe there is no meaning at all. i hate to even say that. perhaps i'm in a bit of an existential funk and slight sadness. i feel mostly okay. but, everything is about culture. i went to my old house and felt at home. i saw my books. my bookcases. i guess the floors and walls didn't feel mine. the bed didn't feel mine. i feel kind of pathetically human. unsure. i got married. that was my life. i was she who was married. i was she who lived in that house. that was my house. i feel like i can think when i'm there. when i opened cupboards, i was delighted to see food that appetized me. i felt like i was home. i came back to my apartment. it feels okay here. everything is relative. everything is way entirely too relative.

i have no idea. i may apply for a position as acquisitions editor for the university of nebraska press. i have the right degrees. maybe not the right experience. i am scared. i am uncertain. i am coming back alive. i hope i have not made mistakes. isn't that nice to hope about? i'm not sure that anything is a good idea. they are ideas. but some feelings make me feel more alive. i imagine those are good feelings. especially when i feel like i haven't had them before. am i fooling myself about that? i start to change how i see the world, how i feel in the world. and then i wonder more about meaning, if it's there. my family doesn't represent a consistent sense of meaning to me. i like them. my friends are good. sometimes friendship is stressful, though.

liz said in yoga today that we may walk on someone else's path for a little bit, but we're on our own path. they emphasize freedom and happiness. mostly that sounds good to me. poignant. but then i wonder if i focused on that too much. can one focus on that too much? i was married. i had a home. i couldn't breathe anymore. i guess i didn't feel free. i guess i didn't feel happy. but i knew my environment. i go back there and want to stay. for awhile. and i don't. i feel like everything is arbitrary. i see clint has manwich. i decide to go to arby's. i have bananas. i don't want to blend them into a smoothie. none of this matters. the unitarian church had words that i identified with. some of them were simple words like summer and change. we can all identify with that. i fill is so many blanks for myself. i try not to draw blanks. i am supposed to be blank. i cannot be too blank. my bank ledger should not be blank. it almost is. this means i need to work. i wait to be called. i look for places to apply to. i wonder what i should do. i think of options. i think maybe i need to work 24/7. i know i need money. i know i don't have it. i know i have bills. i know i have wants. i don't know about needs. i feel them. but i don't know what to do with them. i hear people talk. i wonder why they do. i wonder if i should. words come out when i go through arby's. it is effortless. i wanted to be at arby's. maybe i should get a job there. that would be gross. grease grosses me out when i don't want it that very second.

i am typing on a computer. it feels real to me. my words and my voice feel real. i think this is maybe self-masturbatory. i don't know that i want to be human right now. it's not that i don't want to live. i don't know what to do. i like being in the country. i like rural landscapes. i want to go back to carroll, iowa. i wonder if i would need any friends. i met a dog. i met blonde children. they were cute. should i want them? no, i don't need them. it is all arbitrary. i'm not sure what to do. i put one foot in front of the other when i'm not sitting. when i'm sitting, i sit. am i actually learning something? is there anything to learn? don't do that. do this. do this. don't do that.

clint is coming by with divorce paperwork at 2:30. i hate divorce paperwork. it feels problematic. i want to say i'm sorry i'm divorcing you. i want to say i'm sorry i married you. i want to say can i come home? that feeling is less strong than others, but it is normal. normal is normal. normal is unknown. normal is abnormal. i don't know anything. i don't want knowledge. i don't believe it.