where else do i put this?

i don't feel like talking to anyone about what just happened, but i process well through writing, by putting the thoughts and feelings outside of me in a tangible form. this is crappy stuff, so you may not bother reading it. it's not the end of the world. it's just uncomfortable. filling out divorce paperwork. revisiting a dynamic that caused a divorce. i was nice to clint when he came. told him to come up the fire escape. felt like myself. clint looked like himself mostly. his eyes looked good, clear. we hugged. we said this is sad. i wondered how long we would hug, what it would mean. i hugged him until i couldn't breathe. that didn't take long.

i got a phone call with a message while we were filling out the paperwork. i tried to call the person back. it gave me courage and focus. i filled out the paperwork. i will turn it in tomorrow. the back and forth between clint and i seems so arbitrary. one minute i feel he is completely unreasonable. i try to re-focus. more gets accomplished. over and over again i felt him to be so immature. it was hard to function. we did not function well together.

one second he apologized for yelling at me saturday. the next he starts yelling again. one second he won't let me speak, rolls his eyes, interrupts me. the next he's telling to spit out what i have to say. one second he says give me a timeline, how long do you need your stuff in the house? the next he is saying i'm packing up your stuff and putting it in the garage.

emotions are one thing, temporary. feelings are another. this is something i am learning. i wondered for a few minutes if i could be with him. then the drama begins, and i realize there is no way i can be attracted to and happy with this person, even if for a moment i feel his love and attraction for me and feel my love for him. it's not enough. respectful communication is imperative for health. respect for health is imperative for health. we got the paperwork filled out. i was drained of all motivation by the time he left. but i have written about this, and i will submit the papers. the wedding date was a day we got married. a day we weren't fighting. a day we wanted to love each other forever. a day we wanted to trust that we could. we were both perhaps immature and naive. it was never a fully functional relationship. we were just emotional together. caring together. attracted enough together. from the same geographic place and not much else place in common.

maybe it's tacky to write about a divorce. i go to class tonight at 6:30. it is 4:17. i wonder if i will like this class and want to take it. i'm going to apply for jobs. i'm going to turn in the divorce paperwork. i'm going to try to sort some more things. i'm going to hope... i don't feel entirely bad. i can write. there is clarity and space inside me. i am not in an unhappy box inside. i am in a process that leads to more freedom and less conflict. i don't have to deal with clint anymore. except for my stuff. i will learn to place less value on stuff. at one point clint said i can have the flat-screen tv. that made me happy. meaning it is. :)