endurance

if i'd run track, i should have been a sprinter. my one season cross country ambitions were completely out of place. granted, i did manage to kind of run for 5 miles eventually. but what was i thinking? i just took off on a bunch of sprints on the san francisco hills. like a bat. out of hell. people were looking at me like what the hell. i liked to think i was jackie joyner kersey for a minute, even though i follow nothing athletic.

honestly, i'd like to sit this one out. i'm losing interest as to how this race will turn out, and i feel like i don't even want to see it. i'd rather sit on the sidelines of my own life right now, reading a book. and that very much sounds like a victim thing of me to say.

if i had my druthers, i would not go back to lincoln. i really don't want to. i don't want to deal with anything there. yoga was my refuge. maybe nature was, too. now it all feels suffocating. everything feels suffocating. hopefully russian river won't. korea does not sound suffocating. i'd like to disappear into an asian culture and be quiet and teach english to children and maybe some adults and talk about such simple things like walking, to walk. my phone is ringing, and i have no desire to answer it, though i like/love the person very much. no more dealing.

i will ride up to rr with nancy, and i can talk to this introspective friend of mine if need be, though i'd rather listen to music. i'd rather give them all a hug and take off down the river and cry.. this is too much emotion for this blog. i ran and tried not to feel anything except velocity, but it doesn't go away.. i would like to feel nothing but movement. i would like to avoid feeling too much. i would really like to avoid it. i would like to go back to what? the ocean. virginia woolf? scc? i would like to go forward to korea, one year from now, with zulaika, when she's had enough of this city, and i've had enough of my mess. i'd like to teach english internationally and be quiet and meet people when i want to and read when i want to for the rest of my life and forget about retirement entirely. i would like never to take another step into a career maze again. i would like never to take another step into a love maze again. there's just really no reason. i can love myself all by myself. i don't need a teddy bear or a bed or a tree. a hammock and a book and my breath would be just fine. i don't need a dress or a dvd. well, a dvd would be nice. but i could watch dubbed over karate kid in a foreign country for the rest of my life. i cannot wait until february when i will to cedar falls and show up at that teacher's fair and never think the words law school and other words and lincoln again. i will call clint once in awhile, see if he met anyone on the softball team, if he finally gets to have that baby he deserves but i can't have. maybe i am actually infertile, and this is all for the reason of saving me from any more disappointment. i can just love those korean children and teach them english and watch them have fun and love them and take walks. that's all i want right now. not this beautiful city. not beautiful love. only escape and escape and escape and escape and some fast sprints requiring no more endurance because i just don't have it. a foreign language. a foreign place. foreign food. no more expectations of anything conventionally fulfilling ever again at all. maybe zulaika will come and visit. i will pay off my student loans. and i will absolutely be free from it all, and you can find me in postcards and maybe once in awhile on the internet, and that's all i need. i have enough memories. i have enough love. i have enough pain. i have years ahead of me, so many perhaps, too many perhaps, and i just want to go away.

i need to deal with paperwork and renew my passport. those are my only true needs.