man oh man

this is kind of like an ultimately really personal blog entry and ultimately something i really need to be writing right now.

i don't know what to say for myself. in some ways, i want to say i'm human. in some ways i want to say that i'm just a whole bunch of things a horoscope of me might suggest: a dreamer, prefers to stay in the spiritual realm, a wanderer, someone who loves a lot, someone who doesn't like the 9-5 all that much... they also say i can find happiness in my own backyard. and that i need a lot of love. so who would want to love such a person as me? capable of a lot of love but really doesn't know what she wants. hmmm.

a few months ago, i wanted to write a book in response to eat, pray, love, something like that she had it all wrong, that traveling is nice but there's really something to finding happiness within yourself in a stable home with a loving partner.

but then impressionable me (and i'm not being totally self-critical here, just trying to process what i can gather) talks to her friends and keeps thinking of all the things that still appeal to her: california, hawaii, costa rica, the ocean. the east/west horoscope says i'm a seahorse, this makes sense :) i look at traveling teaching ideas. they sound really nice compared to substitute teaching, though that's traveling teaching in its own right. i think about traveling and writing books, and how wonderful it would be if i had a partner for that. that seems like a really, really nice life.

but then i own a home and have a really devoted, gentle, caring husband who has tried to pursue goals together while i continue to go off into never-never land. and then i exercise independence and want to go on bike rides and want to go to yoga and want someone to go with me, and want friends, and am lonely. i find a really great friend. and then all the cards are tossed right up in the air. who knows what will be with that. who knows what will be with this.

so back to impressionable me. i went to yoga yesterday, which i'm really not into these days as i'm hardly into anything except for feeling emotionally exhausted lately. but i decide this is my work for the day. exercise and writing have been my work for the day over the summer, that and messing with my life. for better or worse. i've had to really look at things.

anyways, so at yoga liz kept saying heather, you can do this, giving me a more challenging move, and then she made a joke that i like to be tortured, and then i wondered if she was also referring to my emotional state and realized tortured is a pretty accurate word. i woke up at 6am and felt tortured about what i'm doing. i went home. clint let me be there. whether or not that will happen in the future, i don't know. i'm going to california tomorrow. i'm not scared about that. i'm kind of scared about everything else. my love life. my future. my choices. my options. my place in the world. small things, really. vamos a ver. we will see.