me oh my

san francisco is a feast for the senses.

just spent the day walking around. walked through golden gate park to the ocean. went down to the bay. saw the golden gate bridge. walked through the beautiful presidio. went to the de young, an art museum. saw the chuley exhibit, which was almost too much of a feast for the eyes and senses and yet was so, so perfect. i took pictures all day. i bought some cheap disposal cameras in a grocery store along with some sushi and some raspberries.

after the art museum, i was really doing some deep processing. thinking and feeling about the nature of attachment. clint and i really enjoyed chahuley together. we watched a public television program on chahuley, and felt like we really connected, our inner artists, over that experience. i hoped i would have the chance to show him these pictures.

the nature of attachment is interesting and is something i'm exploring with my therapist. in addition to teaching us things, people in our lives also help us to feel certain ways, and we get attached to these feelings. we get so attached to the feelings, we get attached to the people. i don't know what the healthy response to other people should be. i know that i just had a really full day without hardly speaking more than two sentences to anyone but cindy. there are so many sights and people to see in san francisco. you really get to decide in any one minute what you will pay attention to. people are constantly sending signals to each other. you kind of have to be careful about what kind of signals you send, what you notice. mostly, i was taking pictures of nature and art and really feeling these things. it was so nice and peaceful. so nice. i really loved being by the water. but then you can only do that for so long. i think i walked for like 6 hours today. my feet are tired. but it was so good. it was odd to think i don't spend every day like this. but nice to remember that when i have the time, i could.

it's good to be at peace with the fact that i'm in some kind of transition, and that i'm headed toward some sort of wholer place. i will have learned a lot about attachment. i will have learned a lot about relationships. this whole idea of being highly interested rather than attached is interesting. it's not very western, but it seems like it really could be healthier.

also, though, it is interesting to note my shifting identity. i'm not a different person. but the fact that i'm "separated" rather than living in a world where i definitely always expect to be married to clint is interesting. it's such a shift in perception. it's also painful. with attachment, it's interesting to note where the pain is coming from. some experiences allay the pain, wherever the pain is coming from. but also the whole process of growth is illuminating. like what kind of a person do i want to be? what kind of life do i want to have? i remain the same person, and yet i try to honor other needs, while not wanting to be selfish. but then in the end you only have yourself. it's just weird because in a way it's like why would anyone ever leave a relationship? and yet most of us never think we'd stay living with a parent all our lives. i guess some people do. i just never thought i'd exactly be in this place. the kind of unpredictable nature of life is interesting. it just makes for new experiences altogether, and of course we try to surrender expectations altogether, too. and yet there are these experiences we thought we would have. and then we come to realize that everything depends on the circumstances, and we're really not in control of all the variables at all. we do what we can. we participate in change. we partipicate in growth. and we hope for as much peace as possible. serenity now... without being just a walking mantra. what fun would that be? maybe it would be great. i have no idea. that's something i have little attachment to at the moment. bye.