much better day

guess what? i trust the universe. yesterday i felt so horrible and so bored. i felt like i couldn't trust anything, but zulaika's voice kept being there on the phone all day long. as much as i needed. giving me everything i needed. i knew i needed everything she gave, and i couldn't believe she knew how to give me everything i needed. sometimes she would say she was just saying bs, but i don't think so at all. i think she knew. i think she was the universe's conduit, just like we all are. that's what i believe.

today the cable guy came. he was an interesting conduit, too (though not hot to my eyes, in case you were wondering). he had his skepticism, but that's a natural human thing. he's been married 3 times. all of his marriages ended because his wives were gold diggers. the first one left with $50,000. after that, he didn't give them access to his accounts. both marriages were annulled when the wives realized they couldn't get the money. he was a good guy. he wants to go to scotland in 6 years when he's 45. that's been his plan. to ride his motorcycle in the highlands where his family is from. he looked scottish to me. i was cutting up pictures of scotland to make a collage. i was cutting up these glass art installments that i loved in a museum. my friend commented to me with great meaning about these pieces. she could see why i took their pictures. i was so touched when she took the time to appreciate why i took pictures of these. they were the pictures i loved most of my pictures. i want to make some kind of art with them. i love glass. not like baloney ticky-tacky around the house. but colored glass is really beautiful. like chahooley. if i could be an artist, i'd be chahooley. i want to go see his stuff at the joslyn soon. i also want to take a certain friend of mine to the loft at the mill to show him the latest exhibit with the picture of liz. he doesn't have to say anything in particular about anything. i just have a great desire to show him things. i love what happens when i show him things. he says what i would say most of the time and has no idea he's doing it. he also says more than i'd think of saying. it enhances my experience a lot. he enhances my experience always. the joy and the pain. but the pain part is bearable because i understand it.

zulaika was so good this weekend. i was starting to feel like this world is meaningless. i was bored. i wanted my friend to be back in town. but he's coming back to town. and 7 days later i'm coming back to town. and we have some interesting talk going on about plans. interesting talk is wonderful. peter was saying that when we put the ideal with the practical, life is really wonderful. so now we've got to work on putting the ideal into the practical. it is such a worthy experiment. the most worthy experiment i can think of. so glad i have the internet now. even if i only live in this apartment through the end of the month, it was all worth it.