hi

dear blog,
i feel like we've fallen a bit out of touch... but i want you to know i'm still here, and my fingers still work.

i'm listening to the nip/tuck soundtrack. the song is "so damn beautiful." what a beautiful sentiment. someone is so beautiful they're damn beautiful. so damn beautiful. does this speak to the power we feel someone has over us when we find them attractive? the vulnerability that we experience? perhaps being in love is the state of being not only mutually vulnerable but hopefully equally assured of the other's vulnerability and interest?

the interesting thing the actual state of in love, however we define it. does it diminish? does it deepen? this is the question... and what circumstances lead to those states?

do we really expect love to last? in some cases, it seems to. i'm wondering if in those cases the couple experiences continual growth, probably despite what they share economically... i would think they would have to be mutually invested in something other than a bank account... maybe vacations? kids? pets? but those are outer things... is there a set of conditions/compatibility that leads to the continued positive emotions?

my therapist pete said ideally both members of the couple maintain one another at their highest level of happiness and function (while still being human)... i guess in order to do this, both parties would have to feel secure... i was looking at a friend's e-harmony site, and one of the guys of her potential suitors said he's looking for 100%... this is an interesting idea... he said he could handle 80% or 90%... how would he know, say, if she was really 75%, and would he then be out of there? he said he wanted to allow for just off-days... are those days really off, though? maybe those are the real days... this is sounding pessimistic...

pete also says that you should make decisions regarding relationships from a positive place... this is assuming one can always get to a positive place regardless of their status within the relationship... hopefully this is true... but sometimes people are in these constant states of turmoil, though... what then?

well, turmoil probably does wane in times of pleasure... does that mean we should privilege pleasure? i think i have all kinds of questions...

i cleaned an important instrument tonight. i think clarity could be a cool name for a child... this cd is quite sexy to be listening to myself... i'm liking it... i find myself a fun person to hang out with by myself... this is a cool thing to learn... witnessing my own consciousness appear on a computer screen is sort of fun.

i'm taking a fiction class, and jack kerouac has some great advice... wanna hear some?

(lyrics: you give me fever when you kiss me, fever when you hold me tight... fever in the morning... fever all through the night... everybody's got the fever (wouldn't that be nice)... that is something you oughta know (they say)... (they say) fever started long ago... (i guess so to have such a world population)....

if you could adopt a child for free, like you would never have to pay anything (all paid for by the government maybe, even toys/education) -- would you? well, it would be cool if we could take shifts with the kids... like there would be a pool of kids that we could go pick up (not that we would keep them in pools, but they could use them)... and kids would be exposed to all kinds of good people because we would be all kinds of people... but, in the long-run the idea of parents is okay... not that we stay connected to our parents like a placenta forever, but it is nice that these people who hopefully loved each other in some kind of way get a kick out of you coming from their genes together, so they give you more attention than anyone else and hope you develop well... i just think we'd get better outcomes if all of that were free... i just wish everything were free... could an economy work like that? where people volunteer to do things? i'll live in the big house, i'll live in the small one, i'll build a new one with that wood... like if we all just worked what we felt like working... why should anyone's time be more valuable than anyone else's? why should we have all of this anxiety over money? god, it's crazy. i mean we live once... now, without money, maybe we'd all be volunteering to travel all the time, and then we'd run out of gas, but some people would enjoy learning about new forms of energy... i mean, it would just be a learning/experiencing world...

what do you think about dancing? why will we do it by ourselves, or maybe in front of some people, but not others? does this go back to the idea of having one lover with whom we might have a kid, and then we're parents together, but only the lovers can see each other dance (or not, if they're embarrassed, but maybe they only have sex in the dark)

i think the world could be really different if we start thinking about it/our experiences really differently...

i like the idea of positive thoughts... i used to think it was bologna for people to try to think positive thoughts... like, hey, if you're not feeling it, don't fake it... but we do choose which positive thoughts we have, and we do want to be going in a positive direction all the time...

it's interesting how people choose between such positive thoughts as, for example, i'm gonna love this guy, i'm gonna move to california, i'm gonna apply for this job, i'm gonna live in this place... the idea of intuition, following yourself is something... to make decisions, i try to imagine how i'd feel if i did the other thing... or, i might get in my car and see if i'm ready to drive to california. if not, i think about what i'm staying here for and how powerful that is... if we didn't have money to worry about, we'd all work like this. but, i'm afraid i'd be in santa fe one week, portland the next... i'm just wondering where we'd all end up if we traveled freely... if we didn't have money, then maybe no one would have to be a nurse... but if we had good public transportation and we took good care of ourselves, maybe we wouldn't need nurses? well, some people might still enjoy "nursing"...

we would still have musicians for sure... would we have actors? would it be nearly as fun if they weren't being paid and could travel freely? i wonder if we could ever get rid of money. like what if we just said this doesn't count anymore. i guess it would come down to growing food... but again, i just like the volunteer idea. how could we get that passed?