No, Thank You, John

by Christina Rossetti

I never said I loved you, John:
Why will you teaze me day by day,
And wax a weariness to think upon
With always "do" and "pray"?

You know I never loved you, John;
no fault of mine made me your toast:
Why will you haunt me with a face as wan
As shows an hour-old ghost?

I dare say Meg or Moll would take
Pity upon you, if you'd ask:
And pray don't remain single for my sake
Who can't perform that task.

I have no heart?--Perhaps I have not;
But then you're mad to take offence
That I don't give you what I have not got:
Use your own common sense.

Let bygones be bygones:
Don't call me false, who owed not to be true:
I'd rather answer "No" to fifty Johns
Than answer "Yes" to you.

Let's mar our pleasant days no more,
Song-birds of passage, days of youth:
Catch at today, forget the days before:
I'll wink at your untruth.

Let us strike hands as hearty friends;
No more, no less; and friendship's good:
Only don't keep in view ulterior ends,
And points not understood

In open treaty. Rise above
Quibbles and shuffling off and on:
Here's friendship for you if you like; but love,--
No, thank you, John.

new boyfriend?

I tend to reflect on my life i have lived. it was a pretty average life for the past 31 years, like any other man my age has. I spent the first 5 or so years of my life studying the arts; finger painting, macaroni pictures, light bright, the usual. By age 7, I was riding elephants competitively in South Africa and engaging in full-contact chess. I was nearly a fully developed man by the age of 8.

Philosophy has always been a passion of mine - I have spent long, lonely nights wondering why world hunger exists, yet vibrating shoes don't. I finished 2nd in the South American Hand Writing contest, took 3rd in the Turkish Nude Olympics, and ironically won 1st place in the competition to be on Lost and The Biggest Loser. P. Diddy has my number on speed dial. I beat Michael Jordan in a 1 on 1.

I once single-handedly commanded an entire fleet of fully trained and dangerously equipped carrier pigeons throughout Kentucky with limited visibility and caution. Unfortunately, I now have a phobia of pigeons. Using nothing but a paper clip, 2 AAA batteries, and a stale box of Corn Flakes, I once saved a child from certain drowning and personally nursed him back to health in under a fortnight. Bill Clinton named his pet rock after me. George W. Bush named his pet rock after Bill’s. I don’t believe in pet rocks.

On my days off, I invent new yoga positions and teach classical arm wrestling techniques to the blind. I watch Saturday Night Live on Sundays, Monday Night Football on Tuesdays, and on Wednesdays I order drinks off the Thursday menu at TGI Fridays. It’s always happy hour when I order. I strategically place Christmas Lights on Jewish People's houses during Kwanzaa. My motive is chaos, my aphrodisiac suspense, and my middle name is **ADVENTURE**. When I buy one I get two free.

This self description is in no way legally documented nor realistic in any way shape or form. Well, except for the part about the light bright. For some reason you ladies seem to bring that up, so just FYI, I am pretty awesome at light bright.