new boyfriend?

I tend to reflect on my life i have lived. it was a pretty average life for the past 31 years, like any other man my age has. I spent the first 5 or so years of my life studying the arts; finger painting, macaroni pictures, light bright, the usual. By age 7, I was riding elephants competitively in South Africa and engaging in full-contact chess. I was nearly a fully developed man by the age of 8.

Philosophy has always been a passion of mine - I have spent long, lonely nights wondering why world hunger exists, yet vibrating shoes don't. I finished 2nd in the South American Hand Writing contest, took 3rd in the Turkish Nude Olympics, and ironically won 1st place in the competition to be on Lost and The Biggest Loser. P. Diddy has my number on speed dial. I beat Michael Jordan in a 1 on 1.

I once single-handedly commanded an entire fleet of fully trained and dangerously equipped carrier pigeons throughout Kentucky with limited visibility and caution. Unfortunately, I now have a phobia of pigeons. Using nothing but a paper clip, 2 AAA batteries, and a stale box of Corn Flakes, I once saved a child from certain drowning and personally nursed him back to health in under a fortnight. Bill Clinton named his pet rock after me. George W. Bush named his pet rock after Bill’s. I don’t believe in pet rocks.

On my days off, I invent new yoga positions and teach classical arm wrestling techniques to the blind. I watch Saturday Night Live on Sundays, Monday Night Football on Tuesdays, and on Wednesdays I order drinks off the Thursday menu at TGI Fridays. It’s always happy hour when I order. I strategically place Christmas Lights on Jewish People's houses during Kwanzaa. My motive is chaos, my aphrodisiac suspense, and my middle name is **ADVENTURE**. When I buy one I get two free.

This self description is in no way legally documented nor realistic in any way shape or form. Well, except for the part about the light bright. For some reason you ladies seem to bring that up, so just FYI, I am pretty awesome at light bright.