Sunday morning

Ever wake up
on a Sunday morning
at 6 or 7 am
and know who you want to talk to
know who you wish your arm could be around
that moment
and you want to talk to him?

You know he's in his own place
sick in a bed of sorts
and you want to drive over
but you finally have the sanity
to realize the best thing
is to let him sleep?

You get in your car anyway.
You look for light.
You go through Starbuck's
some kind of friendliness at this early hour
while you wait for them to turn your phone back on
now that you've made a payment
even Sunday mornings sometimes require payment

The girl on the other side of the Starbucks speaker
doesn't understand your language
you're trying to speak hers
going to the trouble of saying Grande
when you know that it's medium

you say you want hot tea
she doesn't understand
"you mean the most complicated drink ever that will cost
more than the two dollars you're holding?"
no, just tea, please
you mean... and eventually you tell her
they say they don't have it
you revise
she gets another woman on the line to make sure
she understands you
all this before 8am
and then you're proud
when a man gives you your change, and you're
not mad at anyone
you remembered yesterday that it feels better
when you let go
of all resentments.

you want to talk to that one person still
instead, you drive by the house you almost bought with him.
it's beautiful. you still wish you could live there.
you realize more clearly where he is, wherever he is
you think if you did live in this lovely house,
still for sale,
it would have Christmas lights up right now

you drive down that street to the east
the sun is still coming up, and canopied by trees
there is beauty
you see an elementary school with a sign saying
book fair and music concert
and you think is life too complicated, or am i
for me to think it would be fun to go here with my kid
for it to be that simple?

you want to call somebody
a friend on the east coast perhaps
where they're awake
but busy, even on a sunday morning, you're sure

you've finally thought of what to do, what you could do today
and you might walk in the woods later with your snowpants
and your dog
and you will definitely read/grade papers
and you will drink the tea
and you love all the music you play
and you play it again and again
so happy that you can make choices
that make you feel better

and you know that what he needs is to feel better
and you feel glad for him
that he has the freedom
of figuring out what will make him feel better

and you get a phone call
and you hope it's someone you love
you don't get it in time because your ringer is too quiet
but there's a message
from a random guy "from class"
who saw your message on facebook
that you'd lost your phone
and he did the same thing, and it's no problem
and you say thank you on the internet
and glimpse at his pictures
and see some ones where you think this guy is nice
and it's not an attraction thing
it's a human thing
and you're human
and you're glad about the humans

and you look forward to later in the day
when you do something nice for your dog
and your tea
and all the things you'd love to do

and you realize nothing is going to kill you
maybe you'll put up walls of fear
once in awhile
to get out and work through

and then you'll climb through them
to some place snow-covered or sun-strewn
and you'll be back on the beach again
and you'll see green again
and as dar williams says, you'll push on into that mystery
and it will push back
and there are worse things than that

and as for home, you're somewhere right now
you lucky dog
and there's no way this could have an end
because love doesn't
and life chooses us after all
dar says

and we choose back