sometimes what i write/think IS complete BS, but that's OK

today seemed to give some clarity. i spent half of it consumed by 3 inches of hair. i went for a trim, and she gave me layers and took the liberty of removing 3 inches of hair in places i didn't want it removed. i was attached to that hair more than it was attached to me. i'd never had long hair before. earlier today i felt that i never would again, or at least not soon enough. it's like i'd saved money for 6 months, only it was just strands of protein, some with split ends. it took me so long to get over it. i'd look in the mirror and each time have to shout when i noticed what a bad job she'd done. i slept on it and was still mad in the morning. i called the salon and told them she'd really messed up my hair. they set me up with katie to fix it. katie can't do much to give me my hair back. but she can take some off in a couple places to make it more even. i still wasn't satisfied. i wrote the manager a letter about teaching tessa better communication. about what just a trim, evening up, means. i suggested tessa have her customers write things down, and she reads what they write, and then she writes what she did. i now admit to having been obsessed but at the time felt like i couldn't help it. i called the manager, and she called me back. i learned i could get my money back. i made an appointment with someone more able.

i had an appointment with fritz, the pastor at the unitarian church. i couldn't believe how much of my day i'd spent mad and told him about this, wondering if this was indicative of my spiritual evolution. he listened. he realized this was where i was at. we talked about cornell. he went there. we talked about his twenties and mine. we both went to law school and a whole bunch of school and experiences and didn't know what we were supposed to do. he feels his life worked out. when i left, i felt mine would, too. he suggested i go to some conversation circles to have good conversations and get to know people in the church. i thought i would. i thought i would like to have his job. i thought i would like to go to divinity school. i'm learning about myself. i wouldn't always choose to be this way.

then i went to yoga, but i was late, so i had to go to pilates. at first i was disappointed until she finally challenged me and made some parts hurt. then i felt challenged by something outside of myself for the first time in the day, and my happiness raised incredibly. i went to the salon and said katie would fix it, i didn't need my money back. i felt very good and righteous about that decision. i felt like i had really saved someone's day. isn't this all odd?

then i went to teach at scc. i was very humbled and kind of funny. i shared some humor. i hoped they would still see me as a professional and not write that i'm crazy on my evaluation. i tried to make grammar fun and social. i hope they learned something. i know a lot about prepositions and grammar, and i'd like to learn how to share this. i tried to tell them that errors are not important, just a distraction to a reader. just like zits and bad haircuts are not really important but can be a distraction.

now i have so many papers to read and grade. i can do it. i will. i'll enjoy it. it will take a lot of time. but it will be a challenge. i'll get to demonstrate some expertise. tomorrow i'll sub in french. it will be a challenge. but probably what i'll need. then i'll go to yoga. then come home and hang out with clint. i am amazed by how much i need to be engaged and challenged. and i need to provide this for students in good doses.

driving to scc i heard about a study that finds that homework basically has no value. we are stressing kids out unnecessarily. i don't know if i completely agree. i think students learn from reading and writing. i wish i didn't have to require so much of my students, but i do. i try not to invent bs. but they have to write 4 essays, and they really do improve with revision.

it is so bitterly cold here. i want to say i hate it. i'm sure i'd miss the seasons if i lived in phoenix. but maybe not as much as i think. i really like to be able to go outside and not hate it. but i like being forced to stay in a bit, too. i think i might prefer a warmer climate. but here i am. there, i said it. it's the truth. i hope i have a child who appreciate snow someday, and then it will all be worth it. at least i have a dog who appreciates snow. some days that makes it worth it.

update

I'm focusing on teaching writing and learning more peace through transition. I am practicing yoga and developing presence.

I am interested in the intersections of yoga and writing.

I am teaching anything: writing, English, Spanish, French, German. I don't know a lot about some of these subjects, and yet I am teaching them as a substitute in different schools every day. I am maintaining classrooms for teachers while they're ill or away and connecting with scores of new young people a day.

It's a good life. It's cold outside, but I have snowpants. I can do anything.

i'm getting excited about obama. i really think he can change how people feel and thus hopefully how they act . . . a bit of a redistribution of perception and power.

i think edwards will be his vice. maybe richardson would make a nice secretary of state.

but poor hillary. i fear there may be no promotion for her because they need her in a boxed senate, no loose reins for her. i don't think she's evil at all. i just think everyone else has moved on. gwb made us need to moveon entirely.

i'm in the process of moving on. i'm cleaning out my desk. i'm giving my students finals tomorrow. i want to take their pictures tomorrow. but i'm their teacher. while i'm relieved not to have to teach spanish, i also wish i could keep trying.

i'm going to miss the feeling of lincoln high. we'll see. it's funny to be wanting to stay at a high school. and it's too cold to go outside. what do you think, new hampshire?

for clinton/richardson/obama/edwards

they're too good to choose from.

i choose hillary and richardson for their experience and commitments and abilities.

i choose obama for his organizing abilities and for the hope he inspires.

and i choose edwards for focusing on the interests of the middle class.

i want them all! yay, for the democrats for this super come-back!

meetings/get-togethers

Hot yoga was full of bodies this morning. It helped, though, because the room got to 110 degrees (that's Fahrenheit).

I then went, sweaty, to another meeting. Again full of bodies. We were strangers, and strangers are so friendly. Then a friend of a friend came and changed the vibe. She complained a lot about ice, her divorce, her rent, etc., when the topic was unity. But we had previously taken a group conscience (I'm new to this) and decided there was no cross-talk. So no one interrupted her. She came up to me after the meeting, and I kind of avoided connecting. There were a lot of other friendly people around and available.

Then I came home and thoroughly bathed, getting ready to go to Skateland. My nephew Gabriel turned 7 on my dad's birthday (same birthday). I have a Pac-Man game for him that plugs into the TV. I didn't see him or his dad (my brother) for Christmas, so now I have to wrap gifts for them both.

Later going to Cheesecake Factory to celebrate Alyssa's college graduation which no one could attend (except her) due to ice.

Clint and I will probably see a movie tonight. Oddly, this blog site is suggesting labels for this post: e.g. scooters, vacation, fall.

In the fall I would sometimes take a vacation to a local coffee shop called scooter's. my friend katie works there. she also teaches spanish with me. she also is getting married in july.

realizations

having relationships really takes a lot of time. as a social person for the most part, i like this. but the more depth you want, the more time the relationship takes. today i was IMing with a friend about important stuff when another friend who i hadn't talked to in forever IM'ed with big, good news when another friend who i don't talk to enough IM'ed with sad news. and then i realize sometimes we're actually too connected. this doesn't bother me much as i prefer it to loneliness for the most part, but i learned that while we want a lot of love, there really are limits.

and then while i was heating up some veggie buffalo wings (hope they taste good!) i was realizing maybe this is why we have stars. wouldn't we all like to be each others' friends? but we simply don't have time. so the stars are sort of like the friends we all escape with in common. everyone (well, mostly) likes hugh grant. not only does he bring in a lot of money for his producers, but he also acts as an archetype to connect us. but what about hugh grant himself? sometimes i think it's funny how so many people can feel connected to a star when there's no way that star can feel connected to us other than to say thanks for watching.

which led me to think about fame. a lot of us would probably like to be famous. or so we think. but that would also be a pain in the ass. at least, i started to feel pained by three people IMing me at once. i don't think i'd like to get a lot of publicity. i like to have time to read and watch movies and correspond with a few people.

creativity is good, and we don't just want to be consumers of others' creativity, but then i think that's not possible. of course we're all creators of our own lives. some lives are probably more passively constructed than others, but is that true? we all make decisions, which lead to the construction of our lives. some people may listen to britney spears and others may discover that their best friend is a great singer, but still . . . so it comes down to: do you create yourself? that can be taken a couple different ways . . . what i'm wondering about is the temptation/necessity of putting creation/art above relationship. of course they have to co-exist. and i think we all have varying levels of need for relationship. as for the art/creation, i think we benefit in creating. but there is also loss. the loss that comes with feeling rejected or not recognized enough. which is odd when meanwhile, people spurn relationship with people who love them only to get recognition for their art, but what is art if not connected to life? one person thinking too much?

thinking is good, but i'm reading the power of now, and though it was a book and written, it is about not thinking so much. off to practice that and eat veggie buffalo wings and catch up on things i really ought to do.