success

just now, washing my face, getting ready to go to bed, i looked at my face in the mirror. i guess i had to see my face to see what i'm feeling. too bad everyone else sees this shit first. i guess i'm just too used to feeling it. i saw the anxiety, and i thought "what now, heather? do you have to publish a book before you're going to feel successful? so what that anthony hawley's a year older than you and has books of poetry? is that what it's going to take? so what that other people can wave their books with their pretty covers around. you've got lots of pretty stuff inside, and you're showing that to a lot of people. still no change in the lost look on my face. god, i hate this i'm-on-acid, and i'm scared look. (good reason not to do psychedelic drugs. don't want to have a platform of recognition when the look returns.)

then the part of my brain that is clint's influence kicked in stronger: now, come on. you've felt successful before. you had your master's thesis binded. what about teaching? remember, you have to focus on learning. you aren't a perfect teacher. you're learning how to teach. you aren't a published writer giving readings of your beautiful, published words. you're learning how to write the story you're birthing. and you're doing a good job.

my face slackened. there she was. this was the girl/woman i like to see. yes, she's getting some wrinkles. but she's also getting somewhere inside. i'm learning. i'm doing what i need to do and giving myself love for learning and doing this. i don't need the agent's love right now. i don't need the readers to buy my book right now. i'm learning. i'm processing. i'm getting it down. i'm becoming more public about my intentions. and i have time.

now i also have the idea that i need to write my book before having a baby. i have good reasons for that. i may not stick with them. but i may. i'm being honest with myself and clint about that. i'm trusting that i can do this.