her post:
Like Carrie Bradshaw in "Sex in the City," I haven't given up on the search for love. Sometimes we think we have found it only to find out that we really aren't well matched after all; sometimes we find it and click but it doesn't last; and sometimes there is attraction and romance and shared interests and love and we think, "Yes, this is *the one*!" but after a while things change and it ends and we move on. That is the hardest part, I think. But like Carrie's unwavering optimism and tenacious belief in love, we get up and start again—offering our hearts and our souls bright shining
to the world and never losing faith that he or she is out there and we are just around the corner from that grand discovery.
Carrie moved to New York City to find love. Three years ago I moved from the Midwest to San Francisco for the same reason. And I found it and it was amazing and wonderful. And then it ended, and here I am, back on match.com, opening myself up again, wondering where this next adventure will lead.
Despite the cold summers, the city is one of my great loves. And so is my daughter. And so are my friends, my neighborhood, my music, and the work that I do. But as good as those things are, I long for someone with whom to share them. Someone to wake up beside every morning, to drink coffee with before we dash off to our crazy days. To go to concerts, clubs or out to dinner with, or just stay in and cook and do laundry together. Or rather, to do it *for* each other because that's what love and partnering are really all about. To love and laugh and even argue with each other at times, but to know how to fight fairly and directly, with kindness and respect, and
resolve it peacefully as we learn a little more about each other through it. To share pets and children and create a family as we build a life together. And to carve our little niche together in this big, wide world as we work to make it a better place for everyone.
A little more about me:
Though I'd much rather we'd learn most things about each other by actually meeting and getting to know one another (that's half the fun!), I can say this:
I'm sweet (just ask my friends and exes .-)), smart, and passionate about the causes I believe in (the arts, public education, the environment, politics). I'm a Mensa member, PTA President at my daughter's school and I volunteer with the SF Bike Coalition and progressive campaigns. I've lived overseas and in several states, had many careers (including jazz musician in NYC) and currently do development work for non-profits. I love kids, babies and being a mom. I thrive in relationships, though I also need time to myself. I bike and do yoga regularly. I like reading fiction and writing, traveling and learning new languages. I can't live without laughter, music,
good coffee or my bike. I adore dancing and exploring new restaurants and cafes in the city. I detest cigarette smoke, talk radio and TV. I love to kiss. Perhaps most importantly, I'm affectionate, romantic and very sensual and sexual, and promise to never let headaches or fatigue or day-to-day responsibilities get in the way of our love life. For what could possibly be more important than that? :-)
my response:
I don't know what to say about your search for love other than good luck. I guess I'm wondering what your longest relationship has been? From my experience of being in a relationship for 7 years, and still learning, I guess if I were the one looking at your profile, I'd think it sounds great and puts emphasis on the important things. I'd also, wonder, though, if you were too romantic... All studies of love show that after 2-3 years, the relationship is based more on friendship and helping each other cope with the stresses of the world, being a safe haven of friendship more than just necessarily a romantic, sex haven, which you seem to crave.
Sometimes I wonder if your desires are practical enough to be based on this world and therefore to be attainable. It's good to have an ideal, but it's even better, I think, to appreciate what qualities can last. Sure, there can also be reinvigoration, but I think to expect love to be constantly romantic is to deny that people change, and that life pulls in multiple directions... True, rich, friendship, I think, from the relationships I've seen that have endured, that is united on a spiritual path (so say the studies), or at least some consensus when it comes to spiritual principles, is the only foundation that can sustain the yearly changes of life. And even then there are challenges: careers, moves, money, responsibilities...
There are a lot of great stories recently on NYT online about relationships studies getting into the nitty gritty and comparing gay and straight relationships when it comes to the division of labor and conflict management. Those are the issues that continue to vex relationships. And of course sex fluctuates over the years. Some couples have gone on every-day sex diets, but most find they can't sustain it. So I think completely having that expectation as what's most important is going to be unrealistic and is asking for too much outer validation, if you ask me. I think needing SO MUCH validation can sabotage relationships, continually amping up the expectations which cannot be healthfully satisfied.
Relationships do require compromise, a lot of respect for difference, and an understanding and expectation of the fact that we won't be on the same page every day,and we've got to forgive ourselves and each other for that.
“If you spend your entire life searching for keys — the key to happiness, the key to success, the key to health, the key to love — you may become startled and somewhat humbled at the end of your time on this planet to realize that no keys were to be found because there never were any locks.” (unknown)
Okay, here are my thoughts: I agree with you completely about having friendship as the basis of any enduring loving relationship. Passion is cyclical and has a lot to do with the demands on our lives at any given time. Companionship lasts and will get you through a lot of hard times.
I have been in a happy relationship for 29 years and although we do not share similar spiritual beliefs, we are completely in agreement about our moral beliefs.
Respect for one another - true, deep respect for each other has been a crucial element of our relationship. Also forgiveness for each other and for ourselves since we are bound to screw up and hurt each other on a fairly regular basis.
There is absolutely no way to overstate the importance of being able to make the other person laugh, and being willing to do some fairly silly things to that end.
Regarding finding true love, I am totally unable to offer guidance. I met my husband when I'd just turned 19 and had the good luck and sense to stick with him. I do know that he made me want to be a better person, and made me believe in myself in a way I never had.
I didn't think it through, and I didn't strategize it, so I don't know what to recommend to someone looking. Maybe instead of looking at what you want, look more at what you can offer. If you must narrow it down, for me, I'd say look for a person whom you can admire and respect, who challenges you intellectually, whom you can talk to about anything, and most of all, who makes you laugh.
1 comment:
I used to be a sex and relationships writer, and here is my take.
I think searching for the one is probably the wrong paradigm--which is NOT to say you shouldn't date or sign up for Match.
The idea that we're all moving inexorably toward some pre-destined yet undiscovered destiny that only our mistakes and corrections will help us to find is nothing new. It's an idea borrowed from the philosopher Hegel, and it's called "telos."
Telos was pretty well rejected by post-modern philosophers of the 20th century. And personally, I can see why. Walter Benjamin, another philosopher, proposed a different view of things: that history is a narrative constructed at the end, only by looking backwards. Translation in to love-speak? That someone is only "the one" because they're the one left standing beside you in the end.
I think that this "search for love" is a bit artificial and commercialized. But most of all, I think it puts undue strain on relationships. If you're too busy seeing people as a possible goal, or auditioning them for the role of Mr./Mrs. Right, you sort of miss seeing them as a person.
I suspect the concept of a soul mate is not really about another person, anyway. As the psychologist Carl Jung would say, it's about finding those qualities we haven't developed in ourselves. If, at the end of our journey, we become an individuated person, I think that's the true prize. And the rest of our destiny will undoubtedly fall into place.
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