honesty

this was an interesting theme of the day when it comes to talking about families and relationships. talked to a friend who came from a "stable" family at the expense of honesty. the kids in this religious family were not welcomed to share their feelings and experiences when it comes to doubts about religion, difficulty feeling they had connection to "god," romantic/sexual experiences outside of what was approved of by their parents, and drug use... brings up a lot of interesting questions. this person's parents stayed married and provided a loving home. but they felt like they had to live a split life when it came to exploring things they felt like they had to explore. they said they wished for a loud, open, messy family of their own some day.

it's interesting because my husband comes from the first type of family. sometimes people from such families use words like "repressed" and wish for more honesty. but it's also possible to accept that parents did the best they could with what they had and to appreciate what they were able to provide. of course we have the rest of our lives to learn and implement changes

i came from a kind of overly free upbringing. my dad said some motivational stuff and then basically trusted me with EVERYTHING else. i felt like there was too much trust and not enough guidance. later, i confronted my dad about everything in an effort to have honesty, and our relationship was deepened. i have learned a lot from trying to learn from his mistakes and educate him and myself in the process. we don't have a perfect relationship (what is that, though?) in that he doesn't call and check in with me much, but i know he is ALWAYS there when i need him (in varying but pretty consistent levels of emotional availibility)... the more i tried to understand my dad, but the more he was able to increase his emotional availability probably because he felt acceptance from me and was freer to reflect himself instead of being in a defensive posture...

carl rogers, the extremely influential 20th century psychologist who wrote becoming a person, which i'm currently reading, said that acceptance is the key to growth. we have to accept ourselves where we are and other people where we are to have growth. i find that to be uncannily true the more i put it into practice. it seems to me the only way to help people, ourselves included. we have to accept that each self has only the lessons of their own existence and give them credit for the lessons they've learned in their existence. when we accept their limitations, they're then able to grow through the accepting relationship with us.