I Thought *Joe Was Shady

regardless of all the life experience i like to think i have, i am still a first year teacher. i am still finding my feet in front of all of these teenagers every day. i am still uncertain about my future job prospects. i interview for my same position on thursday and will hope selfishly that some person with lots of teaching experience is not also interviewing for my job. it is a hard job, and i don't always think i'm doing it wonderfully, but i don't want to give it up. i love my students. i wouldn't keep all of them, but the notion of keeping some of them when i have sent my heart out into their veins, whether received, recognized, or not, matters.

i thought *Joe was shady. *Joe can be kind of shady. when my book was missing, i thought maybe he took it. but when a cop was talking to him one day after school, while he was sitting in a desk in the hall, re-taking one of my quizzes, i got defensive. *Joe may be shady, but he is my shady. sometimes *Joe doesn't do his work. one day i had to make a point about it when he just sat there. i sent him into the hall. when he i went out to talk to him he gave a lot of excuses about staying with his grandma and taking care of her and leaving his book and workbook at home. i didn't really totally believe him in some part of me. i told him, "well, do i need to call home to make sure you can get your things while you're staying with your grandma?" he assured me, no, he'd make it home. maybe in some way i was being a bitch. maybe i was also reading him. i asked him, though, if everything was okay, and i told him that i care, and he said don't, and i said too late. i don't always know what he thinks of me, and he probably doesn't either. but he comes to my class (first class of the day) early every day with a lot of donuts from a convenience store and a lot of chips. i've tried to encourage him down other paths of food choice, but he says he needs to gain weight, he's too skinny.

sometimes in the hall, i see teachers kind of get some recognition from someone else, and they light up and shoot back lots of energy, and sometimes i wonder when i'll stop feeling invisible. today i was leaving the associate principal's office, walking back to my 6 x 2 office, and i got a big shout out. it was *Joe. really giving me a shout out, like i am so happy to see you right now. even if i sometimes thought he was shady, *Joe also got that i also care. i was so thankful to this shady, sweet, learning, donut-eating dreadlocked kid.

i am a student in this building and a teacher. sometimes i try to feel my feet more firmly as i make peace with the overhead, the pedagogical extension of what i'm trying to communicate. yesterday i felt my feet less firmly and seemed to reach the students more lightly. it is a tenuous experience . . . shape, step back, be in control, be vulnerable, be teacher, be human, your turn...

since i have decided to start blogging, my mind is almost racing with all of the things/stories i want to say/explore. it's kind of of neat to know someone might read this and then kind of okay too knowing that maybe no one will. just to have a forum. just to make my expression not dependent on another person but to know that partially, it is the existence of these other people that motivates and inspires me, and maybe something i will say will spark something. that's what we do. and feel more connected to something, even if only and especially to myself. which let's there be more. weird how this all works. technology, for now, is my friend. a journal is good and find, but there is something to this today.